[Faith_Machine]

Friends, I am in a bit of a quandary. You know I always like to send "thank you" gifts to those elected officials whom I feel have been doing a good job of serving their country.

Naturally, when I heard Dick Cheney's beautiful daughter Liz had thrown her hat into the Wyoming senate race, I just had to break out my credit card and order her a little token of my esteem.



I figured a good, sturdy vibrating massage device to help her with her "women's troubles" during her unclean time would be a thoughtful gift.

Unfortunately, I now realize I may have inadvertently made a terrible faux pas. The following very disturbing article makes it clear that it's no longer safe for a man to just go on Amazon.com and assume that any vibrating massage device is family-friendly, and devoid of lewd connotations:

Conservative Christian group mailed vibrator to Michele Bachmann

A conservative Christian political consulting firm nearly gifted Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann ® with a vibrator, according to court documents obtained by BuzzFeed.

The CEO of Strategy Group for Media, Rex Elsass, reportedly sent “female pleasure machines” to Bachmann by accident.

In hopes of helping with her migraines, Elsass intended to purchase an electronic head massager for the conservative congresswoman. He sent an employee off to buy the device, but the employee purchased something a bit different and mailed it to Bachmann.

The electronic device did vibrate, but it apparently was not designed to be used on the head.

Sources familiar with the incident told BuzzFeed that the Christian group intercepted the gift before Bachmann was able to open it.

Strategy Group for Media was lucky. Bachmann would have likely been baffled and insulted by the gift.

Though some conservative political advisers might believe Bachmann’s sex appeal makes her a strong candidate, the congresswoman isn’t exactly known for her liberal views on sex.

Bachmann advocates abstinence-only sexual education in public schools and pledged in 2011 to ban pornography if elected president.

Now I'm afraid to even post a link to the massage device I sent to Liz Cheney, because I'm worried it might be inappropriate for this site's readers.

Does anybody have any guidelines or tips for knowing how to recognize which massage devices have legitimate uses and which ones are just designed for filth?

More importantly, why aren't these products labeled properly? In a world where record albums come with parental advisory stickers to warn buyers about explicit lyrics, don't you think it would make sense to pass some type of legislation forcing sick sex toys to be labeled as such so that naive consumers such as myself don't inadvertently foist them upon good and chaste women?

[James Hutchins]

I use these devices. It cuts down on time wasting responses. I have it set up to CC my internal company servers to permit reviewing of all messages to ensure scripture is being used properly. (My wife, Mrs. Hutchins comfirms the vibration feature works very well)
Amos 3:7
Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Does anybody have any guidelines or tips for knowing how to recognize which massage devices have legitimate uses and which ones are just designed for filth?

This is a little out of my area of expertise, but I'd stay away from the large black ones, for sure.

[Elected & Directed]

I believe that Dick Cheney's daughter is a godless lezbean is she not? Isn't this why Dick is pro queer? I doubt you've offended her. She'll just add it to her collection, if that's the case.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Elected & Directed

I believe that Dick Cheney's daughter is a godless lezbean is she not? Isn't this why Dick is pro queer? I doubt you've offended her. She'll just add it to her collection, if that's the case.

I'm confused. I thought lesbeans didn't like things in... their womanly places. That's why they don't like men, right? Because men have... things, that get put in, er, places. So aren't women fags essentially asexual? Aren't they gay because they're frigid?

[Faith_Machine]

Sister Mary, please don't trouble yourself thinking about these things. I could explain it, but I feel you would be better off not knowing.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Sister Mary, please don't trouble yourself thinking about these things. I could explain it, but I feel you would be better off not knowing.

Thank you, dear! I confess I have quite the headache now, and just thinking about how women have chosen to defy the Love of the LORD brings me to tears!

[MitzaLizalor]

You are in good company.

John 11:35

[Faith_Machine]

I just got off the phone with Mr. Etheldreda, and he agreed with me that it would not be appropriate for a man who is not your husband to talk to you about the explicit details of what-all those women do.

I apologize if my speaking to him has embarrassed you, but I wanted to make sure he didn't think there was any hint of impropriety.

You know how rumors can get started.

Anyway, he said he'll be happy to explain the particulars to you if you really want to know, and he assured me he'd have a bucket nearby in case your lunch comes up.