[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Things are looking up! I haven't been forced to sleep outdoors, because some very nice people from a church in Redwood City/Menlo Park have taken me in!
The church is called Eckankar. Have you heard of it? I think it's Dutch or Swedish or something.

Brother Faith, "Heard of it?", my goodness yes. Only bad things. They will take you in, find you food and housing and teach you to chant. In all of this they will never mention the word "sin" or the word "punishment."

We are on guard for members of this cult moving into Freehold. Its new headquarters is right north of us on I-35 N. Being close they might try to recruit in the LBC neighborhood.

The thing is, Brother Faith, we here at your real church, LCB, have reached out offering all manner of help. Don't be embarrassed with your circumstances. Make progress on your tithe and things will work out.

[handmaiden]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

I live in a quaint little cabin on the outskirts of Freehold. Why didn’t you ask me first? I have some extra straw mats laying outside somewhere and a nice river a half a mile away for you to wash up in (provided the PFAS God laid there for us doesn’t kill you).

PFAS = Forever Chemicals


"Forever Chemicals"?! Where to begin listing the sins? Hubris, laziness, lack of faith--only The Lord and His Word and Will last forever. Manmade things may take a long, loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnng time to transform, but we are dealing with eternity here, folks.


Salvation and damnation last forever. Everything else is a molecule of steam on its way to becoming ice.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Arabian nights have a slippery reputation. Don't go there. Any straw palliasse provides as much comfort and one's beloved completes the deficiency.

Song of Solomon 2:16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Mayor Joe Hold, I have been assured I can experience Christ's love through diligent Eckankar practice. I'd love for you to meet my new friends and decide for yourself. They've put me to work! The hours are long, and they are keeping my paychecks for now, pending my ability to prove I can be trusted with money, but they say I'm showing a real aptitude for this sort of labor.

In June I might be allowed to meet the living Eck Master!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Mayor Joe Hold, I have been assured I can experience Christ's love through diligent Eckankar practice. I'd love for you to meet my new friends and decide for yourself. They've put me to work! The hours are long, and they are keeping my paychecks for now, pending my ability to prove I can be trusted with money, but they say I'm showing a real aptitude for this sort of labor.
In June I might be allowed to meet the living Eck Master!

Faith, I called a meeting of the LBC Finance Committee and expressed my concern you are paying money to Eckankar which Eckanbar will use and provide you with no benefits. That church cannot forgive sins nor speak on your behalf to guardians of Heaven's door. The entire Board now shares my concern for you.

We did make some progress on your behalf. The Board voted to loan you your entire late tithe. It will be paid in full. However, you will have to pay it back with interest. The sooner the better, of course.

We're so pleased to provide you with this benefit from LBC. Sign the loan agreement and celebrate your return to God's Favorite Church.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Although I only read a couple of lines from Eck's "Hu" dogma, one thing stood out. Co-Worker with God. I almost vomited.

Philippians 2:5-7 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men

There are two states of being described here. Co-equal with God and the wretched nothingness of humans. If we were running around being co-workers with God, why would Jesus need to be so savagely and duplicitously murdered? If, as a co-worker with God already, He became human and humans are co-workers with God too, in what sense did He make Himself of no reputation?

Clearly this "Eck" and "Hu" are manifestations of someone or something opposed to Christianity and therefore opposed to God. Something or someone with a name. Satan. He could almost be running a mail-order firm with a Money Back Guarantee called

"I TELL LIES • I ONLY TELL LIES • LIES IS ALL I WANT TO TELL AND THIS IDIOT BELIEVED ME • WHAT A PATHETIC MORON!"

and although your initial payment might show up as Starline Bagels, your refund will turn up on a giant-sized financial instrument (probably bright orange which you'll have to pay in to your bank) emblazoned with the real name of the business.

I will definitely be avoiding entreaties from this source.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Brother Faith--Just trying to help here, don't forget Publisher's Clearinghouse. I get telephone calls telling me it has lots of money and is giving it away.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

They do have a good payment system but is it true that they've faced lawsuits for nebulosity of promise? That's a legal term as is "working diligently with law enforcement officials to fight scams" but I'm not sure what that means in in normal language. However my alarm bells started ringing when I saw they'd aligned with the mormons. Perhaps I'm overly liberal in my compassion for popes (such as Bergoglio) who after all never grew up in Christian nations and knew no better than what they were taught. Interior décor is another area where taste is completely absent and I won't mention their revolting costumes

But oh, boy, these mormons? They DID grow up in a Christian nation and were run outa town had to relocate more than once due to their founder's criminal activity. And it's difficult to imagine anything more tasteless than mormon architecture. Can you spot the mormon in this photograph?

As a result I'm reluctant to recommend PCH as a source of Salvation and although the odds may be slightly less remote, I couldn't say there was any better a chance in catholicism. But at least there you could read a Bible without any "later revelations" tacked on, unless you listened to the priest but I don't think any of them do that. Sometimes people say that Jesus was a criminal and was executed as such. That is not true however, as Pastor's Easter sermon brought out: Pilate made it clear that Jesus had not committed any crime.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

They do have a good payment system but is it true that they've faced lawsuits for nebulosity of promise? That's a legal term as is "working diligently with law enforcement officials to fight scams" but I'm not sure what that means in in normal language. However my alarm bells started ringing when I saw they'd aligned with the mormons. ... Can you spot the mormon in this photograph?

That is, of course, the (net worth) $24 million Marie Osmond. Her big hit "Paper Roses" started her on the road to BIG
MONEY MORMANI$M. I didn't know she is pitching Publishers Clearing House. Most of my calls telling me how much money I've won from PCH come from the Caman Islands. I turn it down because they are going to collect income taxes before the pay me.
It might be a good deal for Brother Faith, however.

Why would all that PCH money be located in a $hithole place like the Caman Islands?

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

I didn't know she is pitching Publishers Clearing House. Most of my calls telling me how much money I've won from PCH come from the Caman Islands.

It's funny you should say that. I also have several packages awaiting collection (or delivery) from Pitcairn. But you spotted the 90millisecond clue in her attachment. I thought the Pitcairn Islanders were all 7th day adventists but have never been there. There could be a mormon outreach going on – don't they have to witness to everyone so they can have baptism for their ancestors?

The thing is with heretics, the more sincere they are the more ridiculous they become. There was something on the other day about one or two groups of maniacs I'd never heard of before including that Raël cult or sect or whatever it is. I had actually heard of them before but my point here is the freak running the show (a racing car test driver and creative writer [retired]) claims to have been inside a volcano (he's French) when a chrome-plated flying saucer nobody had seen landing opened its door ho-hum yeah yeah heard it all before >> except then you turn over the page (they'd left some tracts out at campsites during an art festival) and what the aliens want you to do, because we've invented nukes, is to build an alien embassy. It needs to be located in Israel and contain their special air. This racing car French guy was be entrusted with the architects' plans. It will be a swastika-shaped embassy.

The point being that 99.999% of anyone hearing that will just burst out laughing. "Are you serious?" sort of thing. And he is. Because the ones who swallow that will swallow just about anything. It's a weeding-out process. Joseph Smith had his, Hubbard had one developed a bit more, then Raël and now this. Can we expect notification of prizes to be arriving from Kolob?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

I've made progress in my journey to financial solvency! The Eck Master assigned me to work with a sales crew in San Francisco's Tenderloin district, and I'm told I could be a top earner next month!

Say, do any of you need anything to help you relax? Or, alternately, help waking up and staying alert?

[Uncle Rutherford]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

I've made progress in my journey to financial solvency! The Eck Master assigned me to work with a sales crew in San Francisco's Tenderloin district, and I'm told I could be a top earner next month!

Say, do any of you need anything to help you relax? Or, alternately, help waking up and staying alert?

Oh lord….has this person gotten you to selling drugs? Is this Eck Master some Nigra drug dealer? Does Eck Master go by the name Smoothy, Shifty, or D-Money? If so, I’m afraid you may have fallen to the Nigra’s sin of selling marijuanas. So many in Freehold have given you options for how to manage your tithing, even taking out a loan to bring your tithe balance current. Don’t become a nigra my dearest Brother Faith Machine.

[Roland]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Say, do any of you need anything to help you relax? Or, alternately, help waking up and staying alert?

Ah. Ditched the candy truck and started a tea and coffee business? Great choice.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

Hello I have not slept since my last post forgive me if I ramble at all I just want to say I love you guys it's all about positivity that's the key you have to stay positive and radiate love vibes please don't worry about me I am doing really well I made over $100 just in the last 24 hours say does anybody here have a

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: URGENT: How do I change my tithe amount?

I just want to say I love you guys

Thank you, I appreciate that. You certainly ought to, considering all we've put up with listening to your troubles.


Best of luck and God bless, buddy.