New merchandise available

[Roper Crossburn]

Good evening. While I am hard at work on my next record, the folks over at the label have put together some new items featuring yours truly.



First we have the official Roper Crossburn Phone Case. This is of no use to me personally as I do not possess a cell phone nor any electronic device allowing my whereabouts to be tracked. However, most of you are not High Value Targets like myself. This handsome, durable case features a handpainted design and can be ordered to fit any phone on the market. Buy one, you won't regret it.



Next is the official Roper Crossburn Tote. This bag also features a handpainted portrait of none other than me, Roper Crossburn. It comes in size Small, Medium, Large, and Extra-Large so whatever your need may be, we have a bag to fit it. To give you an idea of its capacity, the Medium has room for one human head, the Large two heads, and the Extra-Large three. The Small could probably fit two hands, or part of a head. Of course these are only examples. You know better than me what you're gonna put in the bag.



Next up is a bona fide Roper Crossburn Pillow. It comes in all shapes and sizes and you can even get it without the stuffing. Why, I do not know. Maybe you've got your own stuffing or you'd rather cut holes in it and wear it as a mask. If you did that, I'm sure some of your wives would find it easier to... well, I won't go there. I caution against lying facedown on this Pillow as it will render you unable to draw breath.



Last but not least we have a Roper Crossburn Shower Curtain. This is the largest item in stock and in fact the largest portrait of my Handsome Face you will find on sale anywhere. It excels at its intended purpose of spray containment and can also be used to wrap and dispose of objects up to seven feet in length.

Remember that all purchases will go towards the Roper Crossburn Fund, a charity that aids me in my ongoing legal battles, allowing me to continue recording fine Country Music for years to come. So head on over to the shop and fill up your cart.

God bless you.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: New merchandise available

Thank you, Brother, and please thank your record label for the high quality we have come to expect.

Last but not least we have a Roper Crossburn Shower Curtain. This is the largest item in stock and in fact the largest portrait of my Handsome Face you will find on sale anywhere. It excels at its intended purpose of spray containment and can also be used to wrap and dispose of objects up to seven feet in length.

These would be quite the talking point when conversation flags (as it so often does these days). I'm tempted to order several for the guest shower-rooms and the pool area.

Do you recommend that the item is hung with the portrait facing out, or facing in towards the interior of the shower, Brother Crossburn? Perhaps the solution would be to install two per shower, one facing in each direction and with the rings alternating on the pole.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: New merchandise available

Mr. Crossburn, huge fan. You make Johnny Rebel look like Boy George. I once had a man come to my motel with a Roper Crossburn tattoo on his bicep:


I cast him out in the street, for surely no man who would flout the Lord's commandments (Leviticus 19:28) could possibly be a True Fan of yours, and you had doubtless received no royalties for the unauthorized use of your image.

I'm considering replacing all the pillows and shower curtains in my rooms. I'll PM you to discuss prices.

[Martha Chump]

Re: New merchandise available

I would like to get the pillow. I need a new seat cushion for my favorite chair while reading Bible passages.

[Roper Crossburn]

Re: New merchandise available

Mr. Crossburn, huge fan. You make Johnny Rebel look like Boy George. I once had a man come to my motel with a Roper Crossburn tattoo on his bicep:


I cast him out in the street, for surely no man who would flout the Lord's commandments (Leviticus 19:28) could possibly be a True Fan of yours, and you had doubtless received no royalties for the unauthorized use of your image.

I'm considering replacing all the pillows and shower curtains in my rooms. I'll PM you to discuss prices.

Tattoos are a blight on humanity, but sadly they are all too common. I myself had several before I came into the Light of Christ. And it's no surprise that many folks have adorned their flesh with the Chiseled, Manly Features of a renowned musician and sex symbol such as myself.

The good news is that just as the sinner's soul can be saved, tattoos can be removed. And being quite skilled with cutting implements I do offer this service. Free of charge, in fact, if the tattoo depicts my own visage or my guitar, lyrics, or indeed any reference to Roper Crossburn. No charge but I do suggest taking some sort of pain medication beforehand.

Not aspirin. It can thin the blood causing profuse bleeding.

Once I have made the necessary cuts and removed the defiled flesh, it is washed and cured and displayed on the inner walls of my garage. Yes, I now have upwards of two hundred pieces of real Human Skin hung upon these walls and each one inked with some particular design that pleases my eye. I have consulted with Theologians and all assure me that NO TRACE OF SIN remains once the tattooed flesh is parted from its bearer.

[Isabella White]

Re: New merchandise available

Oh, these are all lovely items, dear Brother Crossburn, and it warms my heart to see such wares being made available. Goodness, it's hard to pick only one from the list, though; so why should anybody limit their purchases? I love the tote bag, and I can always use that when going to the Piggly Wiggly market to pick up my eggs and cream. And, the cushion will come in very handy for resting my tired, tender tootsies from when I return from shopping. Now, that shower curtain could also lend itself to usage as a tablecloth for my tea table when I am hosting the Wednesday Afternoon McGill Street Ladies' Bible Study, Prayer Meeting and Tea & Social.

Speaking of tea, might you consider having your handsome image placed on a nice tea caddy? I love one that my niece brought back from England (photo attached), but I would much rather have one with your patriotic photo on it for my Earl Grey leaves -- something that says "" so very clearly. May bless you richly, Dear.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: New merchandise available

Sister Isabella, you got my hopes up with that picture! I thought Queen Elizabeth had died and gone to Hell, and that her carcass was cremated and dumped in a souvenir urn.

Tea caddies may be okay for the enfeebled and enfemaled, but not for masculine men. Can we get an official Roper Crossburn spitoon? Really, there are so many marketing possibilities. Just look at the wide range of products those pedo Catholics have come up with.