The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Vampires have been commonplace for thousands of years. While there are many fantasy works such as Bram Stoker's Dracula, the film Dracula, Anne Rice's novels, and now the Twilight books and films, these beings are not just restricted to fantasy and overactive goth imaginations. Vampires are real and on Earth to do Satan's bidding.

The most famous real-life vampire was Vlad the Impaler, the original Count Dracula, who used to impale his victims with long poles (hence his namesake) and drink their blood. Another famous vampire was the lesbian countess Elizabeth d'Bathory of Hungary who killed hundreds of virgin girls and bathed in their blood. But, these vampires didn't just exist in the past. Even today, there are vampire cults springing up everywhere and their numbers are spreading. More people than ever are publicly self-identifying as vampires.

Vampires are people who sell their souls to the Devil in exchange for supernatural powers. They kill people and drink their blood to gain their power. They perform rituals in service to Satan. They are enemies of Christ and must be stopped.

The following is a test/checklist that any concerned True Christian™ can do on a suspected vampire. It is imperative that any concerned parent whose child is dabbling in emo/goth/occult practices to test them to make sure if they have become a vampire or plan on it. You may want to print out this page and carry it around with you for quick reference on identifying suspected vampires.


Score 1 point to all that apply:

1. The person has an interest in vampire art (Anne Rice, Twilight, etc.)
2. Has pale, light skin.
3. Stays up late at night and sleeps during the day.
4. Has an interest in the paranormal and occult.
5. Wears all black constantly.
6. Has a preoccupation with death.
7. Listens to goth/emo/heavy metal music.
8. Has an aversion to garlic and doesn't like it on their food.
9. Hates Christianity and can't stand crosses being shoved in front of their faces.
10. Is deceitful.
11. Has many sexual relations.
12. The opposite sex finds the person "charming".
13. Eats meat rather voraciously.
14. The person plays electric guitar.
15. Afraid of fire.
16. Is Bisexual or Homosexual.
17. Has liberal/democrat political viewpoints.
18. Watches horror films.
19. Cuts themselves (to drink their own blood).
20. Involves themselves in role-playing/cosplay, or other bizarre activities.
21. Has sharp teeth.
22. Doesn't like sunlight and stays indoors during the day.
23. Professes a "psychic" power of some sort.
24. Is pagan/satanic.
25. Greatly enjoys cats as pets.
26. Favorite numbers are either 666 or 13.
27. Tendency to being a social outcast.
28. Doesn't seem to age; looks youthful for their age.
29. Wears heavy makeup (both men and women).
30. Publicly self-identifies as a vampire [Worth 10 points]

How to score.
0-5. Not a vampire.
6-10. Could possibly be a vampire. Keep an eye out just in case.
11-15. Probably a vampire. Not proven, but it's safe to assume so.
16+. Definitely a vampire.

Please be safe this Helloween season since this is often the time when vampires come out more in public and also get more bold in their activities.

[Zeldafan]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

I'll take the test myself! Maybe I'm a vampire :O



Let's see...the grand total is...4 I think lol.

Sweet I'm not a vampire


Thanks for this test Rev. Jim!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

You forgot that they cannot enter your residence without first being given consent, effectively ruling out this man:

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

Rev. Jim,

I thought vampire couldn't see themselves in a mirror? Can they see themselves in the mirror?

I'd be lost if I could not see myself in one.

[JennyD]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

HEY!

1. The person has an interest in vampire art (Anne Rice, Twilight, etc.) - Of course, I must study the enemy.
2. Has pale, light skin. - The term is "alabaster". I live in Oregon, where people don't tan, they rust.
3. Stays up late at night and sleeps during the day. - So I'm a night person. That's why I sing in the evening choir at my church.
4. Has an interest in the paranormal and occult. - It is important to understand Christ's enemies.
5. The opposite sex finds the person "charming". - How could they not? I am!
6. Eats meat rather voraciously. - I've been known to get a little excited at RibFest.
7. Afraid of fire. - Only since a mob dressed just like Landover's Security Detail burned the Monthly Visitor to the ground!
8. Watches horror films. - House was an excellent Christian horror movie, showing how only True Christians(tm) can survive a bloodbath.
9. Has sharp teeth. - I chipped two of them falling down the stairs while trying to evacuate the ladies from my burning hotel.
10. Doesn't like sunlight and stays indoors during the day. - Alabaster, remember?
11. Greatly enjoys cats as pets. - Isn't that better than enjoying them as snacks?
12. Tendency to being a social outcast. - I became one when I refused to donate the insurance proceeds to Landover.
13. Doesn't seem to age; looks youthful for their age. -Why, thank you, Reverend!

That puts me at 13 points, "Probably a vampire, safe to assume so"!

I most certainly am no such thing!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

HEY!

1. The person has an interest in vampire art (Anne Rice, Twilight, etc.) - Of course, I must study the enemy.
2. Has pale, light skin. - The term is "alabaster". I live in Oregon, where people don't tan, they rust.
3. Stays up late at night and sleeps during the day. - So I'm a night person. That's why I sing in the evening choir at my church.
4. Has an interest in the paranormal and occult. - It is important to understand Christ's enemies.
5. The opposite sex finds the person "charming". - How could they not? I am!
6. Eats meat rather voraciously. - I've been known to get a little excited at RibFest.
7. Afraid of fire. - Only since a mob dressed just like Landover's Security Detail burned the Monthly Visitor to the ground!
8. Watches horror films. - House was an excellent Christian horror movie, showing how only True Christians™ can survive a bloodbath.
9. Has sharp teeth. - I chipped two of them falling down the stairs while trying to evacuate the ladies from my burning hotel.
10. Doesn't like sunlight and stays indoors during the day. - Alabaster, remember?
11. Greatly enjoys cats as pets. - Isn't that better than enjoying them as snacks?
12. Tendency to being a social outcast. - I became one when I refused to donate the insurance proceeds to Landover.
13. Doesn't seem to age; looks youthful for their age. -Why, thank you, Reverend!

That puts me at 13 points, "Probably a vampire, safe to assume so"!

I most certainly am no such thing!

I wondered how you survived that fire...

[JennyD]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

I wondered how you survived that fire...

The sprinklers in the rear staircase, which is the only reason ANY of the ladies made it out alive!

I knew it! You WERE behind it! Vinnie's gonna get you for this . . .

[FoundGirlJNB]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

This is frightening Rev. Jim. I was too scared to respond, until I read sister JennyD's post and with a sigh of relieve realized that I am clearly not the only one in danger here.

1. The person has an interest in vampire art (Anne Rice, Twilight, etc.) True. I find the stories of Vlad the Impaler fascinating. I enjoy most vampire literature, but it's not a morbid fascination by any means.
2. Has pale, light skin. True. But it goes best with my black hair and green eyes.
3. Stays up late at night and sleeps during the day. More often than not, but I live in New York and the nights are surprisingly noisy. If you can't beat them, join them.
4. Wears all black constantly. I always have at least one clothing item on that is black, but recently I have evolved and now wear that with green, pink, purple or red.
5. Listens to goth/emo/heavy metal music. And even worse I still have emo-hair! But I am really working on kicking this habit.
6. Has many sexual relations. Does past relations count?
7. The opposite sex finds the person "charming". Something similar at the very least.
8. Eats meat rather voraciously. Only if my fillet is still raw enough to chew on the side salad on my plate!
9. Watches horror films. Not all and only horror though. Horror films are funny!
10. Doesn't seem to age; looks youthful for their age. I am still youthful, but I do hope I will look this way forever!

6-10. Could possibly be a vampire. Keep an eye out just in case.

Should I be worried Rev. Jim? Do I need help? What should one do if you find that you are the one that score this on your test? Am I a vampire? And if I am, is there a way I can be cured from this horrible curse?

-- ConfusedGirlNY

[HTannor]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

Should I be worried Rev. Jim?
ConfusedGirlNY

Yes

Do I need help?
ConfusedGirlNY

Yes

Am I a vampire?
ConfusedGirlNY

That will have to be determined. Please see below.

And if I am, is there a way I can be cured from this horrible curse?-- ConfusedGirlNY

Yes. As a True Christian(tm) I feel it my duty to make a pilgrimage to New York and engage you in intense, personal, one-on-one counselling. During these sessions I'm confident you will find yourself shouting "Glory", "Hallelujah", and "Thank you, Lord" throughout. Your tensions will be relieved and you will find yourself at peace.

There's no need to thank me in advance. You can do that when I leave to return to Iowa.

[FoundGirlJNB]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

Yes. As a True Christian™ I feel it my duty to make a pilgrimage to New York and engage you in intense, personal, one-on-one counselling. During these sessions I'm confident you will find yourself shouting "Glory", "Hallelujah", and "Thank you, Lord" throughout. Your tensions will be relieved and you will find yourself at peace.

There's no need to thank me in advance. You can do that when I leave to return to Iowa.

I was just about to thank you in advance actually. Brother HTannor, can we please arrange this as soon as possible. I am getting desperate now in my complete salvation. Will this help me to get saved completely?

I cannot think of a better outcome than to shout "Glory" and "Hallelujah". Please do haste.

And thank you for the sacrifices you are willing to make.

[HTannor]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

This is just a joke, right?

I'm guessing you had a pretty high score.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

How is it a joke when there's so much evidence for vampires? You, being a Satanist, know all about them but you and your kin are deceitful and will try to hide you tracks. "Vampires? What vampires?" you ask with a smug grin.

You probably scored above a 16, didn't you?

Also to the ladies: I noticed both of you didn't score over 16 so there is just a possibility that you are vampiresses but it's not confirmed. Still, you may need to do some private pastoral counseling because both of those scores are too high for both of you.

If you want I'm available this Friday night at 10 pm. We can meet someplace discrete and out of the way, how about the Des Moines Hilton? Just one of you or both, it doesn't matter. PM me if you're interested.

[WickedWitch]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

I'll take the test myself! Maybe I'm a vampire :O



Let's see...the grand total is...4 I think lol.

Sweet I'm not a vampire


Thanks for this test Rev. Jim!

Hey, cool idea! Let's all compare scores!

Score 1 point to all that apply:

1. The person has an interest in vampire art (Anne Rice, Twilight, etc.) Anne Rice, yes; Twilight, abso-f*cking-lutely not! 1 point.
2. Has pale, light skin. Yep. Pale as snow. 1 point
3. Stays up late at night and sleeps during the day. Check - 1 point.
4. Has an interest in the paranormal and occult. Hehe, kinda obvious. 1 point.
5. Wears all black constantly. Check. 1 point.
6. Has a preoccupation with death. Hey now,I can't help that I'm a necrophiliac! 1 point.
7. Listens to goth/emo/heavy metal music. Check. 1 point.
8. Has an aversion to garlic and doesn't like it on their food. I ADORE garlic, I have it on almost everything. No point.
9. Hates Christianity and can't stand crosses being shoved in front of their faces. I don't like Christianity and I get a little bit miffed when I'm accosted by total strangers trying to convert me, telling me I'm going to hell and what have you. 1 point.
10. Is deceitful. Not true. No point.
11. Has many sexual relations. Not true. No point.
12. The opposite sex finds the person "charming". True! 1 point.
13. Eats meat rather voraciously. Nope, I'm a vegetarian. No point.
14. The person plays electric guitar. Nope, although I was teaching myself accoustic guitar, but I kinda left that behind. Anyway! No point.
15. Afraid of fire. Seriously untrue, I'm a total pyromaniac! No point.
16. Is Bisexual or Homosexual. Not true. No point.
17. Has liberal/democrat political viewpoints. Check! 1 point.
18. Watches horror films. Double check. 1 point.
19. Cuts themselves (to drink their own blood). Well, I do engage in blood-letting, yes, but it's mostly other people who bleed for me - rarely do I have to resort to drinking my own blood. So I guess that's 1 point.
20. Involves themselves in role-playing/cosplay, or other bizarre activities. True! 1 point.
21. Has sharp teeth. Sorta, yeah. 1 point.
22. Doesn't like sunlight and stays indoors during the day. Extremely true, I hate the sun. 1 point.
23. Professes a "psychic" power of some sort. I have a pretty well tuned intuition, sure. 1 point.
24. Is pagan/satanic. Duh. 1 point.
25. Greatly enjoys cats as pets. You betcha! I actually had 13 cats at one point, lol. A little kitty coven, hehehe! Anyway, 1 point.
26. Favorite numbers are either 666 or 13. 13 is actually one of my favourite numbers - how did you know that? 1 point.
27. Tendency to being a social outcast. I don't socialise an often lot, if that's what you mean. 1 point.
28. Doesn't seem to age; looks youthful for their age. True. Kinda drives me crazy, actually. Sucks being 21 and looking 16. 1 point.
29. Wears heavy makeup (both men and women). Ya caught me! 1 point.
30. Publicly self-identifies as a vampire [Worth 10 points] No, actually, I kinda get accused of being a vampire every now and then and always refute it. No point.

How to score.
0-5. Not a vampire.
6-10. Could possibly be a vampire. Keep an eye out just in case.
11-15. Probably a vampire. Not proven, but it's safe to assume so.
16+. Definitely a vampire.

Please be safe this Helloween season since this is often the time when vampires come out more in public and also get more bold in their activities.

My score: 22 - Definitely a vampire. No I'm not, dammit! Can't a girl be pretty, pale, Goth, Pagan, and drink blood without being accused of being a vampire?!

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

Hey, cool idea! Let's all compare scores!



My score: 22 - Definitely a vampire. No I'm not, dammit! Can't a girl be pretty, pale, Goth, Pagan, and drink blood without being accused of being a vampire?!

You're not fooling anybody, Alllie. I'm personally surprised you scored so low for what I thought you would get.

And what kind of inane question is that? That's like saying: "Can't a person worship Allah, pray to Mecca 5 times a day, and blow up airplanes for Muhammad without being accused of being a Muslim?"

[JennyD]

Re: The VAMPIRE TEST: How to Identify These Evil Satanic Monsters

Also to the ladies: I noticed both of you didn't score over 16 so there is just a possibility that you are vampiresses but it's not confirmed. Still, you may need to do some private pastoral counseling because both of those scores are too high for both of you.

If you want I'm available this Friday night at 10 pm. We can meet someplace discrete and out of the way, how about the Des Moines Hilton? Just one of you or both, it doesn't matter. PM me if you're interested.

Hmm, well, as long as it's at night . . .

LostGirl, would you like to join? I know it's been a long while for me since I've received nourishment from a Man of God, and I'm getting very hungry for that life-giving communion that ladies such as we so desperately need.

We should join together and feed on his Godliness, don't you agree? I'm sure we can come up with several other ladies in similar need! I can think of ten, maybe eleven more, in fact.

Rev. Jim, maybe we should make other arrangements. I wouldn't want this very special evening to be interrupted. Perhaps LostGirl and I can set something up with those other ladies?