[Old Man Hatchet]

My 16 month old grandson has developed a habit of shamefully playing with his choo-choo. He tugs on it and kneads it with his grubby little fingers, often giggling with pleasure and beaming with pride that he is serving his master, Satan. The child's mother, my daughter, finds this behavior "cute" and claims all little boys indulge themselves in this manner. "Why," she said, "even the baby Jesus probably did a bit of exploring." I thrashed her without hesitation for this glib remark.

Friends, I never touched myself in this fashion, and the result is the pillar of virtue that writes this post today. Young boys that fondle their genitals grow up to be perverts.



If you permit your infant son to gratify himself, you might as well take him to a Chinkie massage parlor. It's no different in the eyes of the Lord.

I am seeking True Christian™ recommendations on how to deal with this unsavoriness.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Brother, I have several gallons of highly refined capsaicin oil which you can smear on your grandson's hands. If he touches his choo-choo with that he will NEVER touch it again.

[SUV]

I keep hearing all this talk of choo-choos around here. I was going to ask Jesus for one for Christmas because I wanted one really bad - like the one I played with as a young girl - but apparently they have now gone out of style and are considered a Bad thing. Humbugs.

All Right - How about a great big old stuffed thing then? Maybe Barney?

SUV

[Ixi]

What will you do about it then?

[MoonFlower]

Originally Posted by Ixi

What will you do about it then?

Who are you talking to and do about what??

Moon

[Ixi]

What will he do about his grandson playing with himself?

[MoonFlower]

Originally Posted by Ixi

What will he do about his grandson playing with himself?

Ah, well I don't think he's gotten enough advise on the matter to make a dicision. Got any ideas? I sure as hell don't.

Moon

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Originally Posted by MoonFlower

Ah, well I don't think he's gotten enough advise on the matter to make a dicision. Got any ideas? I sure as hell don't.

Moon

We usually recommend that you take a small ruler and ~WHAP~ his choo-choo every time he touches it. Aversion therapy it's called.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle

Brother, I have several gallons of highly refined capsaicin oil which you can smear on your grandson's hands. Of he touches his choo-choo with that he will NEVER touch it again.

Really, Pastor? I'm surprised you didn't suggest tiger balm or chili oil.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing

Really, Pastor? I'm surprised you didn't suggest tiger balm or chili oil.

Chili oil is a weak sister of this stuff. It's only a couple percent capsaicin.

[Elmer Christianson]

I am a bit put off that nobody has suggested a good Godly spankning! My daddy would have given me the buggy whip if he had caught me playing with my wedding tackle. You'd best tell that toddler that if he touches it again Jesus is gonna turn him into a Barbie Doll!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle

Chili oil is a weak sister of this stuff. It's only a couple percent capsaicin.

If you put anything like that on his hands, it's unlikely he would touch ANYTHING again.

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Ixi

What will he do about his grandson playing with himself?

Why of course he'll enroll him in a Children's Playgroup immediately! How horrible for a Christian Child to be looked upon as some sort of Dreaded Loner!

SUV

[Mrs. Rogers]

Originally Posted by Elmer Christianson

I am a bit put off that nobody has suggested a good Godly spankning! My daddy would have given me the buggy whip if he had caught me playing with my wedding tackle. You'd best tell that toddler that if he touches it again Jesus is gonna turn him into a Barbie Doll!

I pray the boy should be so lucky. However, Brother Hatchet could place a tightly-wound rubber band around the offending choo-choo (and those other bobbly bits); the infant would soon associate his groin with terrible pain, which only abates with the blackening and the dropping-off of his unmentionables ... behold, a new Eunuch for Christ©.

[eliot mayfield]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

My 16 month old grandson has developed a habit of shamefully playing with his choo-choo. He tugs on it and kneads it with his grubby little fingers, often giggling with pleasure and beaming with pride that he is serving his master, Satan. The child's mother, my daughter, finds this behavior "cute" and claims all little boys indulge themselves in this manner. "Why," she said, "even the baby Jesus probably did a bit of exploring." I thrashed her without hesitation for this glib remark.

Friends, I never touched myself in this fashion, and the result is the pillar of virtue that writes this post today. Young boys that fondle their genitals grow up to be perverts.


If you permit your infant son to gratify himself, you might as well take him to a Chinkie massage parlor. It's no different in the eyes of the Lord.

I am seeking True Christian™ recommendations on how to deal with this unsavoriness.

Swaddling is the answer.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

This is what I give Tater.

I know your Grandson is much younger, but it's worth a try. Duct tape works well too.

Helpful, Sister Thumper

[SalvationSeeker]

I suggest that you make him a Godly eunuch for the sake of heaven.


For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men:
and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
Matthew 19:12


I am sure that Jesus will guide you in this decision.
Praise!

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers

I pray the boy should be so lucky. However, Brother Hatchet could place a tightly-wound rubber band around the offending choo-choo (and those other bobbly bits); the infant would soon associate his groin with terrible pain, which only abates with the blackening and the dropping-off of his unmentionables ... behold, a new Eunuch for Christ©.

Thank you to all for the creative suggestions. After a great deal of deliberation, I am opting for Mrs. Rogers' compassionate advice. The boy will be able to sing like an angel and will surely be the star of the church choir. It would be cruel not to let his naughty bits fall off like rotten fruit. Besides, I have plenty of other grandsons to carry on the Hatchet name.

[Ixi]

Don't hurt him. If you want him to stop, just use the oil pastor suggested.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Ixi

Don't hurt him. If you want him to stop, just use the oil pastor suggested.

Sorry, young lady. When I first caught him making his hand the conductor of his choo-choo, I boxed his ears. To my dismay, the revolting child appeared to derive pleasure from it. I'm afraid he is a bit of a masochist, and therefore no amount of punishment will stop him from his "train rides." It's better to get rid of the problem completely. And believe me, if you could hear the church choir as of late, you would agree with my decision.