[Brother_hippo]

The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree

[Mary-Yves Lapierre]

Oh, you know how to cut and paste sarcastic nonsense, how nice for you!

Are you in possession of any original thoughts?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Jesus is NOT a Zombie!!!

Zombies and vampires rise from the dead to drink people's blood and turn them into blood-drinking slaves of darkness that never die.

Jesus rose from the dead to feed us his blood and turn us into blood-drinking slaves of Christ that never die.

That's a world of difference.

P.S. You promised turtle recipies, give us turtle recipies.

[alli the hatemonger]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

Jesus is NOT a Zombie!!!

Zombies and vampires rise from the dead to drink people's blood and turn them into blood-drinking slaves of darkness that never die.

Jesus rose from the dead to feed us his blood and turn us into blood-drinking slaves of Christ that never die.

That's a world of difference.

P.S. You promised turtle recipies, give us turtle recipies.

Sort of like an opposite zombie. Instead of him eating us, we eat him!

[The Hand]

The 80's called. They want their meme back.

[Flat Lander]

Dang, what a let down. I came to this thread looking for turtle recipes because one of my son's turtles died, and the other one is looking kinda sick, thought that would save me going out hunting for road kill today.

But since this is the false religions forum, I just wanted to pop back in and say hello to all my friends here at Landover. I've been away for quite a while in my new false religion, and been very happy with it.

I'll light a candle for you.

[Nobar King]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

thought that would save me going out hunting for road kill today.

You don't hunt roadkill. It's already dead.

[Flat Lander]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

You don't hunt roadkill. It's already dead.

Thank you for your kindness in correcting my misstatement. I mean scavenging for road kill.

This is why I like coming here, everyone is so helpful and friendly, and loving, and filled with the spirit of happiness. Bless you.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Brother_hippo

The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree

Since you did not provide the promised turtle recipes I will do it for you.

Barbecued Turtle

~ 1 turtle, cut into serving pieces
~ 1 stalk celery, chopped
~ 1 bell pepper, chopped
~ 1 medium onion, chopped
~ 1/2 tsp vinegar
~ salt and pepper
~ 1 bottle of your favorite bbq sauce
Soak the turtle meat in salt water overnight or at least 1 hour.

In a large pot, place the turtle meat, celery, pepper, onion and vinegar. Salt and pepper to taste. Cover with water and bring to a boil.

Cover and simmer until meat is tender and ready to fall off the bone.

Remove meat and place into a baking dish. Pour the bbq sauce over the top. Bake at 375 degrees until sauce starts to bubble.

Reduce heat to 200 degrees and cook for 40 minutes. Baste often.
---------------------------

Southern Twice Fried Turtle

~ 1 medium sized soft shell turtle, cut into serving size pieces
~ 2 cups flour
~ 1 tbsp black pepper
~ 1 tsp salt
~ 1 tsp garlic salt
~ 1 tsp onion powder
~ 1 tsp paprika
~ oil

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry ingredients

Fill a large cast iron skillet half full of oil. Heat to 325 degrees.

Coat the turtle pieces in the flour mixture and place in the hot oil.

Once turtle is browned, reduce heat to medium. After the oil has cooled to a slow fry, remove skillet from heat and add 1 cup of water. BE CAREFUL!!! Remember to remove the skillet from the stove in case of boil over. Remember oil and water don't like to mix. USE CAUTION!

Return the skillet to the stove. Cover and cook until all of the water has cooked out.

Uncover and fry turtle until it starts to get crispy. Remove and drain.

Serve with your favorite side dishes such as gravy, grits and biscuits.

--------------------

Whitey's Turtle - Not for Negroes

~ turtle meat
~ your favorite seasonings, seasoning salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc
~ flour
~ chopped onion, optional
~ minced garlic, optional
~ oil
Season the meat to taste with your favorite seasonings and then roll in flour.

Heat a little oil in a large skillet. Add the onion and garlic if desired.

Add the meat and brown on all sides. Remove.

Place the meat in a baking dish. Add about a 1/4" of water.

Cover and cook at 300 degrees for 3 hours. Add water as needed.

Serve with your favorite side dishes.

[Sister Kitty]

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer

Since you did not provide the promised turtle recipes I will do it for you.

Barbecued Turtle

~ 1 turtle, cut into serving pieces
~ 1 stalk celery, chopped
~ 1 bell pepper, chopped
~ 1 medium onion, chopped
~ 1/2 tsp vinegar
~ salt and pepper
~ 1 bottle of your favorite bbq sauce
Soak the turtle meat in salt water overnight or at least 1 hour.

In a large pot, place the turtle meat, celery, pepper, onion and vinegar. Salt and pepper to taste. Cover with water and bring to a boil.

Cover and simmer until meat is tender and ready to fall off the bone.

Remove meat and place into a baking dish. Pour the bbq sauce over the top. Bake at 375 degrees until sauce starts to bubble.

Reduce heat to 200 degrees and cook for 40 minutes. Baste often.
---------------------------

Southern Twice Fried Turtle

~ 1 medium sized soft shell turtle, cut into serving size pieces
~ 2 cups flour
~ 1 tbsp black pepper
~ 1 tsp salt
~ 1 tsp garlic salt
~ 1 tsp onion powder
~ 1 tsp paprika
~ oil

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry ingredients

Fill a large cast iron skillet half full of oil. Heat to 325 degrees.

Coat the turtle pieces in the flour mixture and place in the hot oil.

Once turtle is browned, reduce heat to medium. After the oil has cooled to a slow fry, remove skillet from heat and add 1 cup of water. BE CAREFUL!!! Remember to remove the skillet from the stove in case of boil over. Remember oil and water don't like to mix. USE CAUTION!

Return the skillet to the stove. Cover and cook until all of the water has cooked out.

Uncover and fry turtle until it starts to get crispy. Remove and drain.

Serve with your favorite side dishes such as gravy, grits and biscuits.

--------------------

Whitey's Turtle - Not for Negroes

~ turtle meat
~ your favorite seasonings, seasoning salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc
~ flour
~ chopped onion, optional
~ minced garlic, optional
~ oil
Season the meat to taste with your favorite seasonings and then roll in flour.

Heat a little oil in a large skillet. Add the onion and garlic if desired.

Add the meat and brown on all sides. Remove.

Place the meat in a baking dish. Add about a 1/4" of water.

Cover and cook at 300 degrees for 3 hours. Add water as needed.

Serve with your favorite side dishes.

It seems turtles are complicated to prepare. I prefer my great-grandmother's recipe for baby seals, passed down to her through a hundred generations.

Ingredients:

1 baby seal
1 club

Directions:

Apply club to baby seal head
Eat baby seal

I am not a traditionalist, however. I occasionally add salt.

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

You don't hunt roadkill. It's already dead.

Well I guess if you hit the backroads with the old pickup you could classify it as "hunting". Don't think you even need a permit for that.

[Cranky Old Man]

Turtles are too slow for a fun hunt, I prefer to kill and eat animals that are more challenging to kill.

[Nobar King]

But the turtles taste so good! If you handicap yourself properly you can make it a challenging hunt. (like Arnold Palmer, not Stephen Hawking).

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

But the turtles taste so good! If you handicap yourself properly you can make it a challenging hunt. (like Arnold Palmer, not Stephen Hawking).

Ok, I will give that a try.