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  • #16
    Re: Manly Jokes

    1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry her!

    2. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    3. What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Television
    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman

    4. What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.

    5. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
    waist?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

    6. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.

    7. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, she's been told twice already.

    8. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
    have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.

    9. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    10. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
    never be able to support you.

    11. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
    closer to the kitchen sink..

    12. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

    13. How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    14. Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
    pressure.

    15. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
    the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    16. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    17. I married my 'Miss Right'.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    18. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*ex
    drive by 90% ....
    it's called a Wedding Cake.

    19. Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    20. Women will never be equal to men ...
    until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
    and still think they are sexy.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Manly Jokes

      Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
      A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.
      ACTS 5:29

      But Peter and the apostles said in reply, "We must obey God rather than men."
      There you have it-so WHAT'S STOPPING YOU COWARDS?

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Manly Jokes

        Originally posted by Father Thomas Martin View Post
        Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
        A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.
        That was in poor taste. But I expect nothing more from you papist dogs.
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Manly Jokes

          Originally posted by wrongpathtaker View Post
          Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !
          Now, THAT is funny!

          Women are definitely equal. To other women . . .
          Bible boring? Nonsense!
          Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
          You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Manly Jokes

            A pastor, a smart Atheist and a Intelligent women were walking down the street when they all saw a doller bill lying on the street, who picked it up.

            The Pastor, the other ones dont exit
            Last edited by Pastor Ezekiel; 02-19-2010, 12:39 AM. Reason: Typo corrected

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Manly Jokes

              After years of his wife's begging, Mike finally agrees to take his wife golfing with him. The third hole is a par 5 with a dogleg fairway that hooks to the left and has a small caretaker's shed off to the right, just before the bend. Mike slices the piss out of his tee shot and finds his ball lying in the rough with the shed directly between his ball and the green. His wife says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" Mike decides it's worth a shot, grabs a 1-iron, stands a little forward of the ball, but slices it again. The ball hits the door jamb inside the shed, ricochets and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

              About a month later, Mike is on the same course with his buddies and, sure enough, he slices it on the third fairway and finds himself in a familiar situation. His friend says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" As he's grabbing his 9-iron, Mike replies instantly, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I took a double bogey!"
              sigpicMIKE HUCKABEE/RAND PAUL - 2012 (or sooner if possible)

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Manly Jokes

                Since this is a men only forum just this once I'll work blue.

                How long does it take a woman to orgasm?


                Who the Hell cares!
                Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Manly Jokes

                  Originally posted by Paul Jeffery View Post
                  After years of his wife's begging, Mike finally agrees to take his wife golfing with him. The third hole is a par 5 with a dogleg fairway that hooks to the left and has a small caretaker's shed off to the right, just before the bend. Mike slices the piss out of his tee shot and finds his ball lying in the rough with the shed directly between his ball and the green. His wife says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" Mike decides it's worth a shot, grabs a 1-iron, stands a little forward of the ball, but slices it again. The ball hits the door jamb inside the shed, ricochets and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

                  About a month later, Mike is on the same course with his buddies and, sure enough, he slices it on the third fairway and finds himself in a familiar situation. His friend says, "Mike, I've got a great idea! If I hold the shed door open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green right through the shed!" As he's grabbing his 9-iron, Mike replies instantly, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I took a double bogey!"
                  Lol.

                  And in the same vein...

                  Gerald and Spencer are on the 14th hole when Gerald sees a funeral procession passing by in the distance. Gerald stops and places his hat over his heart until the procession passes by. Spencer, impressed, pats his friend on the shoulder saying he didn't know he was so sentimental.

                  "I'm not, usually," Gerald said. "but, after all, we were married for 42 years."

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Manly Jokes

                    Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                    Care to back that up with Scripture, boy?

                    And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway?
                    He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean bullshit script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

                    I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

                    P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the fake stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.

                    Suck dick! Pussy beaters! <---Power hungry christians

                    Think about it.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Manly Jokes

                      Originally posted by Hi Shane View Post
                      He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean bullshit script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

                      I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

                      P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the genuine stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.

                      Suck dick! Pussy beaters! <---Power hungry christians

                      Think about it.
                      DO NOT CHANGE MY POST! I DID NOT SAY "SOME OF THE GENUINE STUFF YOU PEOPLE SAY" I DID NOT ADD THE GENUINE PART!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Manly Jokes

                        Originally posted by Hi Shane View Post
                        He does not have to back that up with script. It is the rightful truth. Do YOU care to back up the fact that they arn't equal with script? And I don't mean *edited* script that could mean what you want if you really thought about it in a different way... script that you dirty, racist, sexist, abusive, power hungry christians use to change peoples minds so that you can be in "power".

                        I WANT EVERY HARCORE CRISTIAN TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING MOVIE "The Invention Of Lying". It shows what very well may have happened many many years ago. You have NO evidence that everything or anything in the bible is true. I wont lie... I am not religeous but I do agree with SOME of the stuff in the bible (That people should not lie etc.). Be reasonable here... I refuse to follow a religion because there is no evidence that any of it is real. If one of the many religions are real (for sure). Then by all means I would be that religion. But for now there is no evidence that there is a god and there is no evidence that any religion is real.

                        P.S. If you ban my account or I.P adress it just goes to show that you are scared that people might stop beleaving some of the genuine stuff you people say... Scared that you may lose some of you power.


                        That's hilarious! Sometimes you unsaved trash crack me up with your humorous stories!
                        Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.


                        sigpic

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Manly Jokes

                          what's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?


                          A fist

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Manly Jokes

                            A middle aged couple are approaching their wedding anniversary, the wife has just finished putting him to rights over a cup of tea with her friends, about how he never remembers their anniversary and has never bought her a gift in his life, when he comes walking through the front door carrying a big, gift wrapped box with a big ribbon and bow.

                            "Wow" the wife says shocked... "Whats up with you?"

                            "Its our anniversary darling" the husband jovially states "Aren't you going to open it?"

                            The wife, hesitantly, pulls the ribbon and lifts the lid off the box, has a look in and her face turns to thunder... "What the hell is that?" she demands.

                            "Clearly, it is a frog" the husband remarks sarcastically, "In fact, it is a very rare Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog"

                            "What the hell am i going to do with a Venezuelan cock-sucking tree frog?" the wife enquires.


                            "Teach it to cook and fuck off" came the reply!



                            A whip for the horse, lube for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back. Proverbs 26:3

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Manly Jokes

                              Originally posted by True Sinner View Post
                              ... some fantasy about sex with a frog ...
                              Did anyone ever tell you that you are not funny? Did you think they where joking? They were not!
                              5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                              To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                              James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: Manly Jokes

                                Leave it to Godless Venezuelans to come up with sexual relations with amphibians.
                                Bible boring? Nonsense!
                                Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                                You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                                Comment

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