[James Dewitt]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2010

Did you ever have one of those days where you were just at the right place at the right time to bust a crook? Today was one of those days for me.

A long afternoon of patrolling can sure take its toll on your appetite so I stopped by Casey's for donuts. I had a fine selection picked out. Luck would have it (or rather, Jesus would have it) that I just got in line behind a rather unsavory looking golder woman.

Her face was leathery beyond her years and her hair was all frizzly. (As surprising as it may seem to those of you reading this, she was indeed white.)

She had placed a carton of cigarettes on the counter and was paying the clerk for them. Well, the only women who smoke are harlots and lesbians.

The clerk gave the woman her change, and the customer picked up her carton of cigarettes and headed for the door.

I felt the Holy Ghost moving me to witness to her about her wicked ways. I set my box of one dozen fresh-made donuts on the counter, cleared my throat and said "As an Officer of the Law, I cannot pollute my body with cigarette smoke or take a chance on catching a lesbian disease by being a lesbian."

The woman stopped and looked at me, at first unsure if I was talking to her or not. I looked back sternly.

She said with ice in her voice, "Honey, I've been straight as an arrow since I was born and a smoker since I was 12."

It makes my job a lot easier when a criminal confesses right to my face. My ticket book was out of my pocket faster than you can say "underage smoker."

I issued her a fine. She thought it was a joke. So I added some more to the fine to show her how serious I was. $210. That's how serious I was.

She said that my fining her for something she did over 30 years ago was "absurd" and "outrageous." Yet had she not just ADMITTED in front of me AND a witness (the clerk) that she was an underage smoker at one time?

If she was a murderer, I explained, who killed somebody 30 years ago and I just now found out, I'd be well within my rights to arrest her.

She says she is going to go to court over this ticket, and I told her she was more than welcome to try. When we get to court, she's going to find out that not only do underage smokers get smacked with a hefty fine, but also get assigned to community service. What a fun court date THAT is going to be.

I wonder how many other crimes she has committed? One has to wonder if she has a juvenile record.

Any how I am glad you brought up the subject of cigarettes. Every day at 3:00 PM I go to the Men's club,and every day I see the same two Messicans sitting on the curb waiting for the buss. And every day I see them tossing their cigarette butts into the street. To day I watched as they got on the buss they dropped and empty bottle of cheap whine on the curb, breaking into many pieces, Someone could get hurt from the glass and the hot butts that they leave behind.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, you just amaze me with your ability to root out criminals that nobody else can even see. That's why I think you'd be a perfect fit with Prosecutor Ed Jagels whom I've already mentioned.

Unfortunately, even a great police officer and great prosecutor working together are still not enough to make Freehold, Iowa the kind of safe, clean and morally pure Christian police state that we all want. Another link in the long chain to creating a blessed gulag would have to include judges. Sadly, the USA is afflicted with all sorts of liberal judges, many of whom have no qualms about legalized abortion, birth control, free speech and other dangerous anti-Christian ideologies that threaten the very fabric of our great nation.

Fortunately, conservatives have been working hard on this issue. Every right-thinking Christian American needs to become familiar with the Federalist Society. This fine organization has been working hard for years, recruiting home-schooled Christian kids to attend law school and later become judges (and politicians). Thanks to former Republican presidents Reagan plus Bush I & II, four of our 9 Supreme Court justices are Federalist Society members: Clarence Thomas, William H. Rehnquist, Antonin Scalia and Anthony M. Kennedy. Personally, I think that we need a Constitutional amendment to require such membership for any judge in the USA.

Unfortunately, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, so even with stacked courts, our gulag is not complete. I'm sure that the rest of you are just as sick as I am with those liberal bleeding heart "human rights activists" who want to turn our prisons into country clubs. Of course, I have no objection to sending rich criminals to country clubs, but for the masses, I see no reason why prisoners should be guaranteed "rights" like food, water, shelter and so on. After all, if they weren't committing crimes like underage smoking and masturbating, they wouldn't be in prison in the first place, so they've no one to blame but themselves.


Remember kids, masturbating is a crime.

Of course, I don't want anybody to think that I wouldn't give a misguided juvenile a second chance. That's why my company hires criminals in our profitable privatized prisons to learn "reform through labor."


Reform through labor at our toy factory in China.

Over in China, my company has gained lots of experience in this area. For over 10 years now, we've been reforming young adults and children who were clearly on the wrong path by visiting dangerous web sites and criticizing the government. I am confident that we can adapt this system to the USA, rooting out homoism, Satan worship, democracy and other evil behavior that threatens Christianity, public safety and CEO bonuses.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2010

Towards the end of my shift this this evening, an old colored woman in the southern part of town called the police to report a prowler. She had been to Wal-Mart and came home only to find a window open that had not been open when she left. It was then she went to a neighbor's house to call us.

Ever since I apprehended a prowler who broke into women's homes to put on their panties (we called him the Skid Mark Kid of 31st Street), I've taken every single breaking and entering call that comes over the radio. I can't get enough of this stuff.

I wasn't too sure about this one. These old ladies, sometimes they can't even remember they have their turn signal on, let alone whether or not they closed a window.

She was on her neighbor's porch when I arrived and she simply pointed at her house.

Readying my gun, I cautiously approached the house. A window was indeed up, and the front door was locked.

I realized this was a time for action. I attempted to kick the door down, and after the fourth attempt, I decided to crawl through the window.

I became stuck momentarily around my stomach. It was likely that my flash light, tazer, nightstick, KJV 1611, or one of the many other items an Officer of the Law must carry got in the way.

As I came to a premature stop midway through the window, I dropped my gun and somehow it discharged a round into the fish tank.

The water began to stream out of the impressively uniform hole in the side.

I struggled free of the window (putting a nice kink in my back in the process) and picked up my gun. I quickly grabbed a nearby potted plant and positioned it to catch the stream of water.

Upon realizing I couldn't stop the leak in the quickly draining tank, I improvised. I opened the cabinet under the tank, grabbed the net, scooped the fish out and quickly flushed it down the toilet.

On my way back from the bathroom I spied a roll of electrical tape. It all came together now.

I patched the hole in the tank with the tape (it was near the bottom), and then piled a bunch of the dark blue gravel up against it from the other side. Her feeble eyes would never notice it.

I returned the plant to where I found it. I checked the entire house out, and found nothing suspicious, not even in the fridge.

I exited the home and told the crazy old bat that a burglar had broken into her house, stole her fish and watered her plants.

The burglar got away but I heard on the radio they just caught him two blocks away.

She was happy, I was happy, and we both went home.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 2010

Today was supposed to be a day off for ol' Officer Don, but criminals never take a day off.

I got a call from Wash O'Hanley, which was quite a pleasant surprise because I haven't talked to Wash in a long time. Not since I called in to his show to agree with him on a very important and serious issue he was talking about. (I've forgotten what it was now.)

It seems his neighbors bought a black lab puppy not too long ago, and have made its new home out in the backyard.

Wash tells me the puppy is largely ignored except for morning and evening feedings. As a result it's been barking nonstop all day and has become a terrible nuisance to the neighbors.

I used to be allowed to take my uniform home with me, and I used to be able to duck around a corner and change into it like Superman whenever trouble arose, but a liberal somewhere in the upper echelons of the FPD decided that was "unethical."

Now I only get to take home my badge and gun.

Well, this puppy situation clearly wasn't going to go away, and Iowa's top rated conservative radio pundit (of 2004) deserves a Saturday of peace and quiet.

I called in to the FPD to see if I could pick up part of a shift this morning. I (and Wash) were in luck.

I got to the station at 11:00 AM and promptly changed into my uniform. (I skipped the showers as I usually do, because that's just a little too homosexual. I may have a sweat problem but it's nothing my cruiser's air freshener won't mask.)

I retired to the bathroom to call Wash on my cellphone and have him call dispatch to issue the complaint. What luck that I was available to take the call!

I got to tell you, we don't get called in to gated communities very often. It was really nice. Lawns in perfect order, quiet streets, and Godly Caucasian skin as far as the eye can see! And I love the feeling of not being asked any questions when I roll up to the gate in my cruiser.

Upon passing through the gate into the quiet neighborhood, I made my way towards Wash's house.

Wash was just coming out in his bathrobe to pick up one of the many papers on his front lawn. He showed me the house in question, but it was already obvious from the incessant barking.

I pulled my cruiser quietly into the driveway. Then I turned on my lights and sirens, and turned on my spotlight and aimed at right at their bay window.

I exited my cruiser and started ringing the door bell over and over and over until somebody answered the door.

The man who answered had the expression of a deer just moments away from being plowed over by an 18-wheeler.

"What's going on?!" he shouted with his ears covered.

"It's kind of annoying isn't it!' I replied.

"What would it be like if I just stayed parked here all day with my lights and sirens ringing in your ears? Some people might get kind of annoyed, but personally, it doesn't bother me, I like it."

The man was obviously confused so I told him the reason for my visit.

"One of your neighbors, the esteemed and celebrated conservative author and radio host, Washburn Rutherford O'Hanley III, called us to complain about the puppy barking in your backyard all day long." I shouted over the sirens.

It was starting to make sense to him I could tell, so I decided to turn off the siren. (But I left the lights on for effect.)

"The puppy is back there all day, and we're really busy, you understand." He told me.

"No I don't understand." I replied.

We took a stroll to the back of the house. There was the dog, going crazy as usual.

He stopped his barking long enough to look at me and come over wagging his tail.

I bent down to scratch him behind his ears. He was so happy to see somebody he quit his barking altogether.

"Heya boy, how ya doin?" I said as I drew my .45 caliber service weapon.

"It'd be a shame if something happened to this little fella, wouldn't it?" I asked to nobody in particular as I put the barrel to his temple.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Screamed the man.

I pulled the hammer back. What a satisfying click it makes.

"Yep, one moment he's out here begging for attention from his owners, the next he's lying in a heap surrounded by red grass and circled by buzzards."

"PLEASE STOP!" pleaded the man, whose wife was now also in the backyard screaming.

"Gee, you two really seem to care about this little fella all of a sudden." I observed.

"WE'RE JUST BUSY AND DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO PAY ATTENTION TO HIM!" They shrieked as I rubbed the barrel of my gun along his spinal column.

"I hope you two never have any kids then. Is that what you'd say if I was shoving my gun down your shrieking brat's throat, you don't have time to pay attention to it?"

I could see that they were now defeated by my argument from authority, so I pulled the trigger. They both flinched and closed their eyes, and I smiled at the satisfying click the hammer makes on an unloaded gun.

The puppy was as happy as ever when I released him from my tightening choke hold and he returned to bouncing around the yard.

"Next time it's going to be loaded. I suggest you keep him quiet from now on. Have a nice day."

On my way back to the station I radioed in to say that I was feeling sick and would need to end my shift early. I also got to wear my uniform home.

I love being a cop.

[Forest Spirit]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands. My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong. She's like my alarm system and I could care less what the neighbor's think about the barking.

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog. That's pretty low for a cop, don't you guys ahve animal control officers up there? I hope the dog owner was videoing you with your gun at the dog and if you really do go back there and kill the dog I hope they video that and show it on the news and get your fat ass fired. The only reaswn you even have that job is because your uncle cletus is the Sherriff and he won't fire you no matter how much you fuck up.

[Forest Spirit]

Re: Policing Freehold

I meant [censored] up. Why do you guys keep editing my posts?

[Viggo B. Kristoffersen]

Re: Policing Freehold

If only we had policemen like officer Richards in Denmark. Maybe this dreadful place would be just a tiny bit better.

The police here are all sissies, who are more interested in helping ducks than arresting criminals.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Policing Freehold

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog.

Apparently you don't know what it's like to be woken up at 7am on a Saturday by a stupid dog barking when you have a serious hangover from all those White Russians you drank the previous night. You complain about me not letting my neighbors live their lives but they are the ones not letting me live mine! We live in a society that has rules and when they let their dog sit in the back yard all day barking they are taking a metaphorical dump on my chest.

If it happens again I'm not going to call the police; I'm going to hop the fence, slash the dog's throat with a hunting knife, hang it over their front door and leave a note that says "if you buy another dog I'm going to do this to your kids."

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Bless you, Ofc-Bro Don!

My only suggestion would be that in these situations the Gun barrel be put to the owners' heads first. Hallelujah!

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands.

Threatening violence against a law enforcement officer is a very serious matter.

My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong.

You gave birth to a dog? What on earth have you been fornicating with? I imagine the constant barking must get a bit annoying, since there are clearly a lot of things that are always obviously wrong in your degenerate life.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

You gave birth to a dog? What on earth have you been fornicating with?

These are the End Times indeed, Brother Temperance. The Armageddon is upon us and will be here soon -
no doubt ushered in by a phalanx of barking, Storm-Trooping rats

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are a terrible cop and I don't know how you are able to keep your job after posting that terrible story if you ever came to my house and threatened my dog you would have a big problem on your hands. My baby can sense when there is danger and when she starts barking that means that something is obviously wrong. She's like my alarm system and I could care less what the neighbor's think about the barking.

Sure some dogs bark only as a warning. I know a couple of Rottweilers that never bark. On the other side are dogs that bark for no other reason than they love the sound of their own voices. If someone's calling in a complaint, guess which kind of dog the one being complained about is.

Officer Don, if you would like to pass on my phone number to these people, I will straighten them out. If they truly have their heart into changing that dogs behaviour, then I'm willing to work with them. However if they balk at my, what ever it takes to train your dog attitude, I will report that back to you and you can deal with it as you will.

I don't know why you can't just leave people alone and let them live their lives without worrying about thier dog.

Because the dog is annoying the crap out of the neighbors? Why is this so hard for you to understand? Anyone who will stuff a dog (a puppy no less) out in the back yard to bark it's fool head off and annoy people for blocks does not have the responsibility it takes to own a dog. I am sick and tired of lazy dog owners. Owning a dog is 15-20 years of responsibility. My dogs don't annoy the neighbors, neither do they run free or bark their heads off. Sure the spaniel did when we first got him but a bark collar put an end to that pretty quick.

That's pretty low for a cop, don't you guys ahve animal control officers up there? I hope the dog owner was videoing you with your gun at the dog and if you really do go back there and kill the dog I hope they video that and show it on the news and get your fat ass fired. The only reaswn you even have that job is because your uncle cletus is the Sherriff and he won't fire you no matter how much you piffle up.

Tell me exactly what he did wrong. He taught these people a valuable lesson on the responsibilities of dog ownership. Would you rather if one of the neighbors that was being annoyed just tossed a rat-poison hamburger over the fence? Or shot the dog? It's the dog owners that don't bother to train their dogs that make it miserable for everyone.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

I thought that this would be an appropriate thread to let my fellow True Christians (and especially Officer Don) know about my company's latest software product, "Cell Snitch."

This application, which so far only works on 3G phones, does all kinds of great things. The idea is that you install it on someone's phone without him or her knowing. The program then automatically sends reports to your home computer, letting you know the precise location of the person who is carrying the phone. It also activates the phone's built-in camera, providing a visual, and records what that person is saying even when he/she is NOT making a call. That's right, you've got continuous audio, visual and physical location info on the target!

And we're even working on brain scan software, which can detect when the phone user is thinking about sex. Thanks to a little-known clause we slipped into a congressional resolution declaring National Broccoli Week, thinking about sex when talking to a minor is also illegal. For far too long, thought criminals have been committing atrocities undetected - now that is going to change thanks to our sophisticated modern technology.


This phone can even scan your brain for impure thoughts

But there's more. In version 2.0, we've added artificial intelligence software which does more than simply recording what is going on. If the AI software discovers that the target talking to a child, it immediately flags this as a pedophile incident and sends a video directly to local law enforcement and the FBI. Since everything is being recorded, this can be presented as evidence in a court of law.

And it gets better. If you haven't got enough evidence, you can configure the program to plant some on the target. For example, you can download kiddie porn to the target's phone, and add children's phone numbers to his/her address book. Ditto for homo, bestiality and excrement porn. I think that this is a very useful feature - imagine using this technique to get rid of a pesky liberal news reporter, a "privacy-rights" activist, a business competitor, or a Democrat politician! That whole scandal we set up against Eliot Spitzer (by hacking his credit card account and sending money to prostitutes) is nothing compared to this!

The only little problem we've got right now is a possible patent dispute with Apple. Apparently, Steve Jobs wants to add spyware to the iPhone and doesn't appreciate our competition. But I'm sure we'll work it out - Steve may be rich, but we OWN the courts. And besides, we can always install Cell Snitch on HIS phone.

In short, I think that Cell Snitch is a product that every family-values Republican politician needs to have in his little bag of tricks. After all, with ACORN stealing elections, I'd say that it's high time that we conservatives take the gloves off.

[landoverlover]

Re: Policing Freehold

To a brother officer - remember, don't put that speed gun between your legs to rest your arms, or Big Jim and the Twins will shrivel up to an irradiated cocktail frank and a pair of raisins.

[handmaiden]

Re: Policing Freehold

To a brother officer - remember, don't put that speed gun between your legs to rest your arms, or Big Jim and the Twins will shrivel up to an irradiated cocktail frank and a pair of raisins.

Sage advice, as always, Brother Land.


Sincerely Yours,

Handmaiden