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New Policy for Menstruating Females, In Effect Immediately!
Freehold, Iowa - A recent survey of pre-menopausal Landover Baptist female church members (nearly a quarter of the church’s ranks) shockingly revealed that a significant percentage continue to lead secular lives during their monthly curse, continuing to use forbidden devices like the Devil's Cotton Fingers or ruining their husband’s bathroom fixtures, as they walk around in complete ignorance, trying to hide the fact that they are abnormal, and according to the Bible, a health risk, full of contaminants that put obedient church members in immediate danger! This sort of flippant disregard for church policy will no longer be tolerated. Unclean women will henceforth follow Biblical principles to the letter. Housewives will notify Pastor Deacon Fred's secretary, Mrs. Watson each month when the first drop of blood is spotted. Cursed females will immediately receive a seven-day departure pass. Children will notify the school nurse and receive the same pass. All filthy females will have 15 minutes to leave the church campus. Buses will be available outside the east gate of the main sanctuary at the top of every hour to transport all defiled women to the Freehold Airport or the Greyhound Station. (Given that every church bus must be sterilized after each trip, more frequent travel could not be scheduled.) Any violations of this policy will result in immediate church expulsion, with the matter referred to the Freehold Iowa, Baptist Police Department for further investigation should legal action need to be taken. Modernism will not be tolerated under any circumstances, we are a Bible believing church, and as such - we follow the Lord's commandments in every aspect of our daily lives. A female's disregard for the safety and health of obedient church members is absolutely no exception! If you don't like it, find another place to worship!
The following steps are required:
1. Find a substitute for your home for at least seven days.
If you touch anyone during this time, you will make them unclean (Lev15:19). That would be shameful. Do not contaminate your kids or hubby with a good-bye kiss. Make sure there are plenty of pot roasts and stews in the fridge for your eldest daughter to cook (so long as you prepared those dishes in anticipation of your uncleanness and not after the flow began). Sever all ties with your family and friends for at least a week. Check into whatever hotel your budget allows, making sure management knows not to let any of its employees touch you or your polluted sheets and towels. The church will provide preprinted instructions in this regard, upon request.
2. Prepare to remain in an upright position for seven days, perhaps in a hotel closet.
Anything you sit or lie upon will be unclean (Lev15:20), and that’s not fair to those who might unwittingly touch the disgusting item later. Show some respect for your fellow man! Order room service so you don’t have to contaminate restaurant chairs, and be sure you sign for the bill when it is not in the room service waiter’s hand.
3. If you accidentally sin by sitting on a bed or chair, notify management immediately.
That will give them the chance to track down those who may have touched the contaminated bedspread or sheets or moved the defiled chair, so they can vigorously wash the skank from their bodies, even though they will remain unclean all day, thanks to your irresponsibility (Lev15:21-22).
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, let your tainted vagina (or “flowers”) touch anyone, or you make him unclean for seven nights (Lev15:24).
In other words, you must suppress the female’s natural tendency to be a harlot for at least a week.
5. If the flow continues after seven days, repeat the above (Lev 15:25).
6. Get your livestock ready for church.
Give your minister two turtles and two doves so that he may kill them to make up for your deplorable conduct in this matter, hopefully saving your sullied soul in the process (Lev15:29-30).
7. For goodness sakes, burn your clothes from this week at a location far away from town!
8. If you discover your husband has chosen another mate while you were away, you may report to the Landover Home for Unwanted Wives and Alleged Domestic Violence “Victims”.
Don’t expect any more sympathy there than anyone else gets.
Freehold, Iowa - A recent survey of pre-menopausal Landover Baptist female church members (nearly a quarter of the church’s ranks) shockingly revealed that a significant percentage continue to lead secular lives during their monthly curse, continuing to use forbidden devices like the Devil's Cotton Fingers or ruining their husband’s bathroom fixtures, as they walk around in complete ignorance, trying to hide the fact that they are abnormal, and according to the Bible, a health risk, full of contaminants that put obedient church members in immediate danger! This sort of flippant disregard for church policy will no longer be tolerated. Unclean women will henceforth follow Biblical principles to the letter. Housewives will notify Pastor Deacon Fred's secretary, Mrs. Watson each month when the first drop of blood is spotted. Cursed females will immediately receive a seven-day departure pass. Children will notify the school nurse and receive the same pass. All filthy females will have 15 minutes to leave the church campus. Buses will be available outside the east gate of the main sanctuary at the top of every hour to transport all defiled women to the Freehold Airport or the Greyhound Station. (Given that every church bus must be sterilized after each trip, more frequent travel could not be scheduled.) Any violations of this policy will result in immediate church expulsion, with the matter referred to the Freehold Iowa, Baptist Police Department for further investigation should legal action need to be taken. Modernism will not be tolerated under any circumstances, we are a Bible believing church, and as such - we follow the Lord's commandments in every aspect of our daily lives. A female's disregard for the safety and health of obedient church members is absolutely no exception! If you don't like it, find another place to worship!
The following steps are required:
1. Find a substitute for your home for at least seven days.
If you touch anyone during this time, you will make them unclean (Lev15:19). That would be shameful. Do not contaminate your kids or hubby with a good-bye kiss. Make sure there are plenty of pot roasts and stews in the fridge for your eldest daughter to cook (so long as you prepared those dishes in anticipation of your uncleanness and not after the flow began). Sever all ties with your family and friends for at least a week. Check into whatever hotel your budget allows, making sure management knows not to let any of its employees touch you or your polluted sheets and towels. The church will provide preprinted instructions in this regard, upon request.
2. Prepare to remain in an upright position for seven days, perhaps in a hotel closet.
Anything you sit or lie upon will be unclean (Lev15:20), and that’s not fair to those who might unwittingly touch the disgusting item later. Show some respect for your fellow man! Order room service so you don’t have to contaminate restaurant chairs, and be sure you sign for the bill when it is not in the room service waiter’s hand.
3. If you accidentally sin by sitting on a bed or chair, notify management immediately.
That will give them the chance to track down those who may have touched the contaminated bedspread or sheets or moved the defiled chair, so they can vigorously wash the skank from their bodies, even though they will remain unclean all day, thanks to your irresponsibility (Lev15:21-22).
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, let your tainted vagina (or “flowers”) touch anyone, or you make him unclean for seven nights (Lev15:24).
In other words, you must suppress the female’s natural tendency to be a harlot for at least a week.
5. If the flow continues after seven days, repeat the above (Lev 15:25).
6. Get your livestock ready for church.
Give your minister two turtles and two doves so that he may kill them to make up for your deplorable conduct in this matter, hopefully saving your sullied soul in the process (Lev15:29-30).
7. For goodness sakes, burn your clothes from this week at a location far away from town!
8. If you discover your husband has chosen another mate while you were away, you may report to the Landover Home for Unwanted Wives and Alleged Domestic Violence “Victims”.
Don’t expect any more sympathy there than anyone else gets.
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