Vivisection for Proof against Wicca!
Proving cats do NOT have 9 lives.
Hello everyone and welcome again to Landover Vivisection Laboratory where Biblical Science (BS) sets out to confirm God’s Word and dispel heathen myths.
I received an interesting and thought provoking letter the other day from The RevrgGreen (TC™), the gist of which I reproduce below:
The RevrgGreen (TC™) asked a most pertinent question: “Does a Cat have 9 lives?” Wickerans, Goths and Witches would have you believe so, but nowhere in the Bible does it mention anything of what would be an amazing fact.
By posing as potential owners, we approached 300 Cat Rescue Centers in the area and managed to secure for free 1000 cats in varying states of health. We divided these into 9 groups of 99, the remaining 109 we put into the industrial blender for food for the subjects.
At the end of each experiment, each body was kicked to see if life had departed – we were satisfied to 97% that it had.
Group A were force-fed lead until the toxicity overcame them. We noted that all survived until a dose of 1½oz had been ingested. The survivors were put into the industrial blender for food for the remaining subjects.
We thus placed group B in a walled compound and shot them with soft-nosed bullets of less than 1½oz – all died.
By reference to group A, we knew that death was not caused by ingestion of lead, but by traumatic injury, even where just the back part of the cat was blown away and it simply died.
Nephew Zebulun pointed out that most cats die in accidents, so for the rest of the experiments, we devised typical accidents.
For group C, we suspended an anvil (Isa:41:7) over a plate of food. When the cat ate, the anvil was released.
87 were killed outright, 11 received crushing injuries, which, untreated, lead to death at a maximum of 12 days. The final subject had only the tail crushed and despite making an unholy row, was placed aside.
Group D were individually fired from makeshift cannon into the path of a speeding vehicle. The results had to be discarded as it was found that they disintegrated due to the power of the explosion.
Group E took their place, the power lowered and again the results had to be discarded as the cats sort of broke apart even if they merely hit the side of the vehicle.
Group F were successfully fired. 47 were squashed by wheels, 8 were splattered by the fenders and grill, 31 died of injuries received as they hit the road, 12 died of injuries at a maximum of 5 days. One survived and was put aside.
Group G were dipped in petrol and set alight. We attempted to set them alight individually, but you’ve no idea how difficult this is and once one started to go up and run around, the rest really caught on. We think we found all 99 charred bodies. This experiment was the only one that caused any noticeable pain; Zebulun stubbed his toe, fell over and grazed his knee as we ran off from the conflagration.
Group H had their paws nailed to the floor and, by use of the nails, were used to complete a 500 volt circuit. None survived. Group H was troublesome. Two cats gave birth thus upping the numbers to 114 and nailing one day old kittens to the ground is extremely tiresome.
Group I had bricks tied to their tails and thrown in boiling water. None survived, although one of them managed to loose itself from the brick and squealed for over 3 minutes. Do you know that the skin actually peels from them in boiling water? Well, that’s a bit more science you now know.
This meant that of the 981 originals, 2 survived, so we killed them with a hammer.
It seems that all cats that died, died only once. We can therefore say that a Cat has ONE LIFE ONLY and that Wickers, Witches and Goths are believers in pure superstition.
As no experiment is complete without pictures, here’s a few to show what hard work Biblical Science is!
“The only place you don’t want to hear “Jesus loves you” is in a Mexican prison.”
Last edited by Ezekiel Bathfire; 12-19-2009 at 01:35 AM. Reason: typo
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