BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

[John Creeser]

Brothers!! I am at my wits end with Abigail. The past few months she has exhibited behavior unbecoming of a True Christian™ woman. I am ashamed to bring this before you, I thought I would be able to correct her, but I am out of options.

Where do I start....

In the middle of Pastor Ezekiels sermon, Abigail spoke. She asked permission to use the washroom....I could not believe what I was hearing. Scripture tells us women are to keep their yaps shut during service.

1st Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.

1st Corinthians 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

The shame was on me after noticing Pastor Ezekiels cold stare and nod to remove her. This was not the first time this has happened.

Abigail is becoming more and more resistant to staying in her hut out back during her unclean time. She questions the validity of the Old Testament and begs me to just stay in the basement. She adds that because it's winter and she only has a coleman stove (to keep her warm), the temperatures get so cold she's afraid she's going to get hypothermia.

"Nonesense Abigail, through prayer the Love of the Lord will keep you warm."

I then explain for the 100th time she can't be around me and the boys, the scriptures are clear. (I had to forcefully remove her from the house and lock her in the hut last time).

Leviticus 15:19-30

19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

After that, things got worse. Seeing as she questioned the Will of God, Jesus smited her with pneumonia. Like any caring husband, I consoled her:

"Abigail, this is what happens when you question God's Will, you only have yourself to blame. I really hope you learn from this. Now, please prepare supper, we're getting hungry".

She looked up at me and replied:

"*COUGH* John I am too sick to walk, let alone cook *COUGH*"

NOW SHE'S USURPING MY AUTHORITY OVER HER!!!! NOT IN MY HOUSE!!

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

After I flipped the mattress and sent her crashing into the wall she finally got the message I meant business. I won't have my wife talking back to me!!

The latest is I found her drunk in the prayer closet in just her underwear. She whined about being depressed and lonely and I quoted the appropriate before "correcting" her.

1st Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
Titus 2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
Titus 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

See what I have to deal with? I'd divorce her but God says I can't Matthew 19:9

I am open to suggestions my Brothers!!

[BelieverInGod]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

I double checked to make sure this wasn't in Promise Enforcers.

Brother, as a woman who went through the "BITCH WIFE" period (remember when I went away?) I can tell you...

Your wife is possessed.

It's an unfortunate problem that happens to us weaker vessels. My possession came from letting Satan's minions on this board get under my skin.

She needs to be cut off from anyone who is not a True Christian(tm) this includes phone and internet.

She needs to go through the prayer sessions with the Pastors

If you have any help (maids etc) they need to be fired

And unfortunately it's going to take a lot of over seeing from you.

It took me 6 months of intensive treatments in order to come back as a stronger Christian. Even now, I feel the demons reach through the computer system (this is the only board I'm allowed on) and I need to walk away.

I'll pray for your wife, but have hope! I'm sure if the Pastors could cure me, that they can cure your wife

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Your wife is possessed.

This would explain IT!!! I never even thought about possession! There was something else that happened when I found her half naked. She pleaded with me to fornicate with her, pull out and spill my seed because she doesn't want any more kids.

Genesis 38:9-10

9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

This demon is lustful!!

Galatians 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

And yes, we have a negro maid, I think she is from the Africa - I should have known better than to hire her. They all practice voodoo over there. I'll have to let her go immediately!!

Thanks for chiming in sister!! Bless you!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Brother,

I need to warn you that Pastor Zeke will not be interrupted again. Pastor Zeke was right in the middle of explaining how homosexuality leads to child abduction and animal sex and such powerful teaching is not to be disrupted.

If you can't control your wife Landover Baptists will be forced to implement the the "King Ahab" provision of your church pew license.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Brother,

I need to warn you that Pastor Zeke will not be interrupted again. Pastor Zeke was right in the middle of explaining how homosexuality leads to child abduction and animal sex and such powerful teaching is not to be disrupted.

If you can't control your wife Landover Baptists will be forced to implement the the "King Ahab" provision of your church pew license.

I completely understand Brother, I know how important every sermon is, especially about how homosexuality is literally the cause of all the worlds problems.

Pastor Zeke didn't even say hi to me when we passed each other at the Landover Olympic indoor pool. Not even a towel whip

[BelieverInGod]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Brother, I urge you to contact the Pastors IMMEDIATELY. The treatment is very effective because nobody will want to go through it twice.

As for cutting her off from the outside world, it is so important.


Leviticus 10:10 And that ye may put difference between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean;

Even non Christian family needs to be barred.
Matthew 12:47-50 Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


2nd John 1:9-11 Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son. If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed: For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Brother, I urge you to contact the Pastors IMMEDIATELY. The treatment is very effective because nobody will want to go through it twice.

As for cutting her off from the outside world, it is so important.


Leviticus 10:10 And that ye may put difference between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean;

Even non Christian family needs to be barred.
Matthew 12:47-50 Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


2nd John 1:9-11 Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son. If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed: For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds.

I don't think Pastor Zeke is taking my calls.

I fired the voodoo negro and Abigail is now isolated in the basement. I hope it isn't anal demons

CAN A PASTOR PLEASE PLEASE COME BY MY HOME AND HELP!!!!

[Deaner]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

That is some rough going Brother Creeser. I'd just kick her teeth in.

[WalkingInTheLight]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Surely it can't be anal demons? I would have thought that could only happen if one had engaged in anal sex? What a terrible trial to you, Mr Creeser I will pray that your wife can be salvaged and restored to Christian subservience!

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

That is some rough going Brother Creeser. I'd just kick her teeth in.

If I find out she isn't possessed, that is PRECISELY what is going to happen She's read the Bible MULTIPLE times, she should know better.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Surely it can't be anal demons? I would have thought that could only happen if one had engaged in anal sex? What a terrible trial to you, Mr Creeser I will pray that your wife can be salvaged and restored to Christian subservience!

Keep in mind, if Mr. Creeser unwittingly let in African Anal Demons when allowing his Tribal maid into the home, they would infect any willing receptacle, even a woman.



Mr. Creeser, I will keep you and Abigail in my prayers as well, for we all know there is no action as powerful as prayer to effect a change.

[WalkingInTheLight]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Keep in mind, if Mr. Creeser unwittingly let in African Anal Demons when allowing his Tribal maid into the home, they would infect any willing receptacle, even a woman.



Mr. Creeser, I will keep you and Abigail in my prayers as well, for we all know there is no action as powerful as prayer to effect a change.

Oh dear, it is a sad thing when even hiring help carries such terrible risk

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Waterboarding can be useful as a form of discipline, causing her to forget whatever sinful abomination she has been craving anally, and think about more important things like oxygen and the afterlife.

Remember that according to Ephesians 5:23, you have all the authority of God Himself when it comes to your own wife. That means you can do anything up to and including burning her for all eternity. I would recommend taking it easy on her, since the Lord has established Hell as a safety net to trap those who conflate invisibility with non-existence (clever of the Lord).

The merciful thing to do would be to tie her up by one thumb, so that she is balanced with one foot on a railroad spike. When the spike starts to bore into her foot, she will pull up with her thumb. Then when the ligaments in her thumb begin to give way, she will bear down on the hurt foot. She will go back and forth like this indefinitely, and this should help to clear her mind of sinful thoughts.

If that doesn't work, put some rats in a bowl, and place the bowl against her abdomen. Then, heat the bowl with a blowtorch until the rats start to eat her. Don't let the rats go free until you are certain her salvation has been secured.

[Paragon of virtue]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

I was just going to suggest regular maintenance spankings, but the rat thing is pretty cool.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Waterboarding can be useful as a form of discipline, causing her to forget whatever sinful abomination she has been craving anally, and think about more important things like oxygen and the afterlife.

Remember that according to Ephesians 5:23, you have all the authority of God Himself when it comes to your own wife. That means you can do anything up to and including burning her for all eternity. I would recommend taking it easy on her, since the Lord has established Hell as a safety net to trap those who conflate invisibility with non-existence (clever of the Lord).

The merciful thing to do would be to tie her up by one thumb, so that she is balanced with one foot on a railroad spike. When the spike starts to bore into her foot, she will pull up with her thumb. Then when the ligaments in her thumb begin to give way, she will bear down on the hurt foot. She will go back and forth like this indefinitely, and this should help to clear her mind of sinful thoughts.

If that doesn't work, put some rats in a bowl, and place the bowl against her abdomen. Then, heat the bowl with a blowtorch until the rats start to eat her. Don't let the rats go free until you are certain her salvation has been secured.

Brother Jenkins - I should have sought you out first as your domestic discipline methods are legendary (even by Landover standards). I cannot begin to express my gratitude for your recommendations. Ha...here I thought slamming her into the wall or a smack across the face would put her back in good True Christian(tm) form.

And yes, according to the Bible she HAS to obey me. Time for me to pull up my pants and be the husband!! With that said, I am off to the pet store.