Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Bobby Jindal is the governor of Louisiana and an rising star in the GOP. This is an excerpt of his response to Obama's speech last night.

Amen! What the heck is "volcano monitoring" anyway? $140 million to pay for camping trips for granola munching hippies and to buy a new supercomputer that would be better used simulating nuclear explosions.

We shouldn't be "monitoring" volcanoes anyway. The government shouldn't be in the business of trying to interfere with God's wrath. If God wants to smite a bunch of wicked heathens with a volcano, then HOW DARE my government warn them about it and give them time to flee!

We should do away with hurricane monitoring too. I'm sure a governor from Louisiana can agree to that.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

Bobby Jindal knows that the only effective way to deal with volcanoes is to excorsize them. He is already an experienced excorcist: his first-hand account of meeting a demon face to face! "Though I could find no cause for my chest pains, I was very scared of what was happening to me and Susan. I began to think that the demon would only attack me if I tried to pray or fight back; thus...I gave up all attempts at prayer and admitted conditional defeat (to the demon)"

I know, some of our more testoserone-gifted members don't like the idea of defeating a volcano by summoning up it's demon and then surrendering to it....But if you talked like Mr. Rodgers, you wouldn't be much into intimidation tactics either. The important thing is that he gets the job done.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

Volcano monitoring is just another of these pork-laden spend-pits that Obama wants to dump our money in to. Now when was the last time a volcano went off in any state in the US that mattered (meaning anything other than Hawaii)? That's right -- never! These volcano monitoring programs are just a waste of money that make us look like a bunch of safety freaks. Like I always told my brother when he took up motorcycle riding: "Why wear a helmet if it makes you look like a queer?" God rest his soul, he died in a completely unrelated motorcycle accident three years later. His head exploded all over the freeway like a watermelon dropped off the roof of a building. My last words to him were "Take that God-damn helmet off it makes you look like a Nancy."

[Larry Lee]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

We shouldn't be "monitoring" volcanoes anyway. The government shouldn't be in the business of trying to interfere with God's wrath. If God wants to smite a bunch of wicked heathens with a volcano, then HOW DARE my government warn them about it and give them time to flee!

hmmmmmmm.... I guess Sarah Palin shouldn't have skipped out of the National Governors meeting this past week.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

His head exploded all over the freeway like a watermelon dropped off the roof of a building.

You mean black people ran around scooping up bits and eating them?

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Clearly God was punishing that pansy for trying to become a faithless helmet-wearer. Put your faith in God, not a sissy-hat!

[Sally Paulson]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

As an Alaskan, I have been living under the tyrannical heel of government volcano-monitoring for all my life.

Mr. Jindal clearly believes that the citizens of Oregon or Alaska should each, individually, invest in a few million dollars of ground-monitoring equipment to protect their property (just think of the economic stimulus effect of all that spending!). They should in no way coordinate their purchase in order to provide mutual protection at a reasonable cost to each. That leads to waste and ineffectiveness. And God forbid, they should not coordinate it through a democratically elected mechanism, or "government" of any kind.

Eventually, a successful private company would emerge to serve people's needs. This would have even more economic stimulus spending because its business model would involve a lot of marketing and PR money being spent, lots of chrome and extra buttons to make the equipment look better in the showroom, and of course a few hundred million dollars in bonuses for the brilliant volcano-monitoring executive thanks (this can be afforded in part by cutting unprofitable things like R&D). Then, in the unlikely case that an actual volcano erupts, the company can just declare bankruptcy (unless there's enough money to hire lobbyists to get a bailout), and the executive would be forced to "spend more time with his family" while living only the $100 million he had already made -- plus another $30 million or so in severance.

THAT is how America is supposed to work. We reward entrepreneurs!

Yes, I have the entire business model written out - email me if you are a serious investor. I even have an ingenious entrepreneur lined up to become CEO. OK, so the exec is a Harvard MBA who spent his career in investment banking, but don't worry, he's never started anything or participated in the productive economy in his life - so you can count on him to think outside the box that the "economies should produce things of value" luddites.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

I think that we need a ban on all government spending that doesn't directly benefit the military and big corporations.

Surely there is some way to make a weapon out of volcanos. Of course, like all weapon systems, it must be developed by private industry - what good are weapons if no one makes a profit from manufacturing them!

Just imagine if Halliburton or Blackwater had the volcano-monitoring contract on Tora Bora - they could have cooked bin Laden like a Popeye's fried chicken!

yours in Christ,
Buford

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

Bobby Jindal has a point here. I think the thing that bothers me most is the cost of monitoring a volcano. $140 million does seem a little high.

Volcanoes are huge and can be seen for miles and there are plenty of people living near them. All that is required is a handful of helpful residents and two buttons on each window ledge.

One button would be marked “Same as Yesterday” and the other one would be marked “Looks a bit funny.”

When enough people press the latter, a warning siren goes off and all insurance policies are cancelled. It’s then up to the residents as a whole to decide if they’re going to get out or stay and provide a future tourist attraction along the lines of Pompeii.

I reckon all of this could be done for $500 capital outlay and $10 a year up-keep costs.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

Yes, I have the entire business model written out - email me if you are a serious investor.

I received my prospectus this morning. Thanks for the quick turnaround. I should get time to look over it this afternoon.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

I think that we need a ban on all government spending that doesn't directly benefit the military and big corporations.

Brother, don't forget the War on Drugs, enforcement of immigration laws, and all of the ways in which we shall be able to re-implement True Christian™ morality once the Supreme Court comes to its senses and overrules decisions like Roe v. Wade and Lawrence v. Texas. Volcano monitoring just steals money from those worthy endeavors.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

Volcano monitoring. Come on, who is going to do this; geologists. These clowns think the world is over 6,000 years old. Now how can they possibly understand the workings of a volcanoes.

Look were volcanoes are in America

Alaska; infested with unwed mothers and shady contractors. Even Sara Palin can’t fix that place
Washington: Starbucks, grunge and liberals
Oregon; Tree humping is a state mandated pastime
California; Hollywood, Sin Francisco, Berkeley and those liberal sissies over at Free Republic.
Hawaii: Biggest brothel in Japan.
Wyoming: Sheep buggering capital of the country run by corrupt old closeted homosexuals. Godly Mr Cheney can barely endure the place.

Sin is clearly the cause of volcanoes.

[Nobar King]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

How about some new bank monitors? That might be more cost effective.

What kind of information do you get from a volcano monitor? "Warning: might explode"? Just another way to instill fear in the population.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Bobby Jindal vs. the Volcano Monitors

I know this is a little off-topic, but all this talk of Bobby Jindal got me thinking...

Since he's an Injun, why doesn't he start a chain of Injun casinos in Louisiana? That way, the state could make a pile of money and use it for worthy causes, like paying bonuses to Wall Street hedge fund CEOs and other needy folks. There might even be enough left over to ship those "Katrina victims" back to Africa.

I really think the Federal government ought to hire me as an economic advisor. The answers to all our nation's financial problems just pop into my head whenever I pray to Jesus. The thorazine helps too.

Yours in Christ,
Buford