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Five Thousand Years Ago:
The Beginning
THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER created the universe and a bunch of planets, including Earth. No one except Himself was around to see it, but we suspect it was rather dull. The initial creation, obviously, must have been spectacular, but He then spent the next ten to one hundred years painstakingly preparing the universe to appear older then it actually is. Photons were placed individually, en route to earth, ostensibly emitted millions of years ago from stars across the galaxy. In reality, we know that each proton was divinely placed and red-shifted (The universe appears to be expanding, much like cooked pasta, as illustrated by observed light from distant galaxies shifting toward the Marinara Spectrum. Some scientists cite this as support for His preference for red sauce, but they are most likely idiots) appropriately to make the universe appear to be billions of years old. We are still finding His camouflage methods at work today; each time scientists discover apparent evidence of billions-of-years-old universe, we can be assured that this is just more elaborate preparation He put in place.
Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, He was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Know as “scientists,” these nosy people have a sick need – probably sexually motivated (As evidence of sexual motivation on the part of scientists, let’s choose an occupation at random, say genecology. These so-called professionals spend their entire lives looking at female sex organs – or poontang, as it’s known in academic circles. Look a little deeper into the fold, and you will find that nearly 99 percent of all gynaecologists have a scientific background. To illustrate just how significant that is, pick another group at random – say myself. I’m not a scientist, and I hardly ever see female sex organs. I find it hard to believe this is just a coincidence. I’m not saying all scientists are perverts, but I think it’s safe to say the nearly all of them are) – to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.
Our Noodly Creator then placed fossils, hidden under the earth’s surface, knowing that they would later be found – thus, seemingly proving that these creatures existed some time ago. Dinosaur bones, for example, were placed so well and in such numbers that it’s widely belived dinosaurs roamed the earth millions of years ago. Interestingly, dinosaurs did exist, but not millions of years ago, because, of course, how could they have existed before the earth was even here? In reality they lived with us, alongside – and occasionally on top of – humans around three thousand years ago.
You may wonder why we find no bones from dinosaurs from this era, and rightly so. But keep in mind that dinosaurs don’t actually have bones - the whole dinosaurs had bones thing is all an elaborate hoax planned for His own divine amusement. Real dinosaurs, as any enlightened palaeontologist – or bone doctor, as they prefer to be called – will tell you, were able to stand erect by engorging selected muscles with blood, making the once flaccid limb rigid. By alternating which muscles were engorged in the correct sequence, a very effective locomotion and rudimentary skeletal structure was achieved. Some readers may recognize that this mechanism is similar to what happens in the male penis. Dinosaurs were, in essence, not much more than a massive collection of penises (penii) under a thick skin. While very few accurate descriptions of these creatures have existed into present times, we can be pleased to learn that awareness of them has propagated generationally in our culture. Most men don’t even realize that when they exaggerate the size of their penis – referring to it as “monstrous” or “dinosaur-like” – they are helping to keep alive the hidden truth of the strange and horny beasts we know as dinosaurs.
Some time later, as society progressed, the attention of mankind moved away from dinosaurs – by now they had been conquered and placed under the control of men for work and play – and instead man turned to philosophical thought. The question of our origins came up, and it was decided, based on the apparent natural evidence, that all creatures had evolved from a common ancestor over time some millions of years ago.
The Beginning
THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER created the universe and a bunch of planets, including Earth. No one except Himself was around to see it, but we suspect it was rather dull. The initial creation, obviously, must have been spectacular, but He then spent the next ten to one hundred years painstakingly preparing the universe to appear older then it actually is. Photons were placed individually, en route to earth, ostensibly emitted millions of years ago from stars across the galaxy. In reality, we know that each proton was divinely placed and red-shifted (The universe appears to be expanding, much like cooked pasta, as illustrated by observed light from distant galaxies shifting toward the Marinara Spectrum. Some scientists cite this as support for His preference for red sauce, but they are most likely idiots) appropriately to make the universe appear to be billions of years old. We are still finding His camouflage methods at work today; each time scientists discover apparent evidence of billions-of-years-old universe, we can be assured that this is just more elaborate preparation He put in place.
Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, He was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Know as “scientists,” these nosy people have a sick need – probably sexually motivated (As evidence of sexual motivation on the part of scientists, let’s choose an occupation at random, say genecology. These so-called professionals spend their entire lives looking at female sex organs – or poontang, as it’s known in academic circles. Look a little deeper into the fold, and you will find that nearly 99 percent of all gynaecologists have a scientific background. To illustrate just how significant that is, pick another group at random – say myself. I’m not a scientist, and I hardly ever see female sex organs. I find it hard to believe this is just a coincidence. I’m not saying all scientists are perverts, but I think it’s safe to say the nearly all of them are) – to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.
Our Noodly Creator then placed fossils, hidden under the earth’s surface, knowing that they would later be found – thus, seemingly proving that these creatures existed some time ago. Dinosaur bones, for example, were placed so well and in such numbers that it’s widely belived dinosaurs roamed the earth millions of years ago. Interestingly, dinosaurs did exist, but not millions of years ago, because, of course, how could they have existed before the earth was even here? In reality they lived with us, alongside – and occasionally on top of – humans around three thousand years ago.
You may wonder why we find no bones from dinosaurs from this era, and rightly so. But keep in mind that dinosaurs don’t actually have bones - the whole dinosaurs had bones thing is all an elaborate hoax planned for His own divine amusement. Real dinosaurs, as any enlightened palaeontologist – or bone doctor, as they prefer to be called – will tell you, were able to stand erect by engorging selected muscles with blood, making the once flaccid limb rigid. By alternating which muscles were engorged in the correct sequence, a very effective locomotion and rudimentary skeletal structure was achieved. Some readers may recognize that this mechanism is similar to what happens in the male penis. Dinosaurs were, in essence, not much more than a massive collection of penises (penii) under a thick skin. While very few accurate descriptions of these creatures have existed into present times, we can be pleased to learn that awareness of them has propagated generationally in our culture. Most men don’t even realize that when they exaggerate the size of their penis – referring to it as “monstrous” or “dinosaur-like” – they are helping to keep alive the hidden truth of the strange and horny beasts we know as dinosaurs.
Some time later, as society progressed, the attention of mankind moved away from dinosaurs – by now they had been conquered and placed under the control of men for work and play – and instead man turned to philosophical thought. The question of our origins came up, and it was decided, based on the apparent natural evidence, that all creatures had evolved from a common ancestor over time some millions of years ago.
In a manner of speaking, yes. 
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