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  • #1

    Praise God I have Swine Flu!

    I shall see you soon Jesus!
    Thank you God! I can't wait to get to Heaven!
    You keep making me ill, and i just know sooner or later it will be on target!
    Matthew:
    5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
    5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
    10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
    10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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  • #2
    Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

    Oh GLORY TO GOD!

    Hopefully, you will lose all of your property and family too! You will be GOD's own modern day Job!
    sigpic
    The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
    - Proverbs 15:3

    CHILDREN'S STORY: TIMMY ON TRIAL


    CHRISTIAN ADVICE AND MESSAGES OF HOPE! GOD'S GREATEST HITS!


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    • #3
      Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

      Can you say hi to my dad for me? And if you can say things to those in hell, can you please tell Michael Jackson we are glad he is dead?
      5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
      To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
      James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

        Don't forget to send in all your money and sign over all your assets to God's favorite church.

        And say "hi" to Jesus for me.
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

          Brother, will you please have a butterfly land on my patio set when you get to HEAVEN so I know you've made it. Or (GOD forbid) If you go to HELL, please make me burn one of Pastor Zeke's steaks so I can tell you went there instead.

          p/s. Please ask JESUS when he is going to kill that whore Elizabeth Taylor and then let me know so I can win some money on it at the Celebrity Death poll.com.

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          Tweet me Here
          My GODLY Bio Here

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          • #6
            Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

            Don't try and contact me for a day or so, I spoke to Brother Eliot on the 'phone earlier - I have now set fire to it to purify it. I'll get a new one tomorrow.

            Is Brother Eliot still at the same address? I want to send him the bill.
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            “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

            Author of such illuminating essays as,
            Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

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            • #7
              Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

              Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
              Don't try and contact me for a day or so, I spoke to Brother Eliot on the 'phone earlier - I have now set fire to it to purify it. I'll get a new one tomorrow.

              Is Brother Eliot still at the same address? I want to send him the bill.

              You better pour some peroxide or rubbing alcohol in the ear you held the telephone to Brother! You can never be too safe!
              sigpic

              Tweet me Here
              My GODLY Bio Here

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              • #8
                Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                Save me a spot in line for Heaven's own Biscuits and Gravy Buffet®, Brother! I'll see you on March 4th.

                By the way, did you kill the pig that bit you? It's not still wandering around Freehold, is it?
                Matthew 7:15
                Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                  don't worry, swine flu won't 100% kill you. Drink some tea, rest up and keep yourself dressed warm and you will be fit again in no time.

                  You have a higher chance to die from normal flu than from swine flu so don't worry.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                    I hope this young Christian woman is simply reading a script her husband has prepared for her! We must not have women preaching. I have only posted it here, Brother Eliot, as it she mentions the cure for Swine 'Flu (right at the end)

                    sigpic


                    “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

                    Author of such illuminating essays as,
                    Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                      Let's see, butterfly, biscuits, my will has always left it all to Landover, and something else?
                      Jesus! I'm ready.
                      Is taking cough medicine a sin? I feel strange and my keyboard seems to be moving around. I think that means God is ready for me. I can't wait to meet Jesus and tell him about the work I've done for him.
                      Praise Jesus!
                      Hey sinners! Are you ready to meet Jesus and can you say you'll be proud to do it?

                      I'm singing as I type! Jesus loves Eliot, this I know, because the Bible tells me so! Jesus loves all the little Eliots!!!!!

                      Fever just fires up my faith! I'm a hunk of burning love for my savior!
                      Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, into the furnace we go!
                      Jesus, Oh Jesus, I'm coming!
                      Matthew:
                      5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
                      5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
                      10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
                      10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


                      sigpic

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                        Preach it Brother! Let Jesus know that you want Him to put you at the front of the line!
                        Who Will Jesus Damn?

                        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                          Praise Jesus that someone has caught it at last.
                          With all that money going out to Joo Pharmaceutical companies I was beginning to think it was all a hoax.

                          Safe journey to Heaven Brother Eliot.
                          I'm sure The Lord has a seat warmed and ready for you right at His side.

                          Sister Talitha

                          Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


                          HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
                          being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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                          • #14
                            Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                            One of my friends at university had it but she didnt die.

                            arent you scared of dying? i am. maybe its because i feel i still have so much to live for

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                            • #15
                              Re: Praise God I have Swine Flu!

                              We look forward top dying. That is when our short time on earth ends and we get to spend an eternity with God in heaven!
                              Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
                              Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
                              Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
                              Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
                              Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
                              Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

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