2014 Summer Stoning Festival

[Mother Of Seven]

I fear that this may have gone unnoticed in another thread, so I'm re-posting it here. (I hope you don't mind Mr Mayor)

NOTICE TO CITIZENS OF FREEHOLD:

As part of the effort to welcome our visiting Muslim dignitary, your City is holding it's annual FREEHOLD SUMMER STONING FESTIVAL on

Saturday, May 17.

Committees are already working on events. Scheduled for far are these:

1. A Pentagon demonstration of modern stone warfare using the catapult.

2. A benefit concert for the Freehold Sanctity of Marriage Committee starring anti homer recording artist, Anita Bryant.

3. Following a sermon from Pastor Zeke, an short warning about sin message from Franklin Graham (Billy's favorite son).

Suggestions are welcome for other events.

As this date is almost upon us, we urgently need all plans to be submitted asap.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Currently I'm looking at a number of options to keep the children amused. My husband Mike, is organising a workshop for pre-school boys on making their own slingshots. They will be able to test them out on some of the feral cats hanging around Freehold, that we plan to capture before the event. More children's events to be announced.

[James Ashton]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

My father speaks most happily of his time at stoning festivals. He reminisces fondly of seeing people grateful to be dead as they know they will be in Heaven and tells stories of how he used to protest against that slant stronghold, Vietnam...too often do I forget to protest against the mere existence of other countries.


I can almost see him, sat with his beard (per Leviticus 19:27) talking about the doors (of the house of the Lord, I assume - 2 Chronicles 29:3- but I guess he could mean Jesus himself - John 10:9).


Actually I don't understand a lot of his scriptural references and, while I of course honour him, he smells somewhat of urine and is quite boring so I haven't really delved into his stories too deeply. I can confirm he is a top notch stoner though.

[Morton Weinstein]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Have you considered having Paula Deen as a speaker, also? She seems to embody the general Landover spirit when it comes to inclusive exclusive diversity. Perhaps a special contest where those that stone the most people get a meal cooked by Paula?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Have you considered having Paula Deen as a speaker, also? She seems to embody the general Landover spirit when it comes to inclusive exclusive diversity. Perhaps a special contest where those that stone the most people get a meal cooked by Paula?

Paula Deen would be a good addition. I would want to remind her this is Iowa and hope she would select a pork dish.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Have you considered having Paula Deen as a speaker, also? She seems to embody the general Landover spirit when it comes to inclusive exclusive diversity. Perhaps a special contest where those that stone the most people get a meal cooked by Paula?

Oooo, I see you are also a fan of Sister Paula. She's so sweet - bless her precious heart.

Have you considered joining her fan club? http://www.landoverbaptist.net/group.php?groupid=36

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Oooo, I see you are also a fan of Sister Paula. She's so sweet - bless her precious heart.

Have you considered joining her fan club? http://www.landoverbaptist.net/group.php?groupid=36

While I admire Paula's racial views a lot, I also admire her cooking. I watched her a lot when she was on television.

She must have cooked hundreds of dishes and tasted everyone on TV. Amazingly, every single time she found them delicious, "wonderful".

Is that unusual for TV chefs? She is the only one I've watched.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

While I admire Paula's racial views a lot, I also admire her cooking. I watched her a lot when she was on television.

She must have cooked hundreds of dishes and tasted everyone on TV. Amazingly, every single time she found them delicious, "wonderful".

Is that unusual for TV chefs? She is the only one I've watched.

I think most of the cooks on TV makes sex faces when they taste their food. That is why the Food Network is porn for fat people.

Paula Deen is the only one who didn't look and sound like a wanton hussy.



Oh, btw. I, for one, am ready for the Stonin' Festival.

[Basilissa]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Currently I'm looking at a number of options to keep the children amused. My husband Mike, is organising a workshop for pre-school boys on making their own slingshots. They will be able to test them out on some of the feral cats hanging around Freehold, that we plan to capture before the event. More children's events to be announced.

Has it been considered what stones to use for stoning? I mean, regular field stones are fine for the common folk, but the Pastors and Platinum tithers, and of course our distinguished guests, should have access to something better. Here are some options:

Rubies

Emeralds

Sapphires








And, of course, diamonds.

Gold tithers could use amethysts,

and also garnets.

Silver tithers could stone with agate,

























and like I sad at the beginning, everybody else could use just common field stones (this one is commonly found on beaches of my state).

[Morton Weinstein]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Paula Deen would be a good addition. I would want to remind her this is Iowa and hope she would select a pork dish.

Your Honor Mister Mayor,

Uh, are you planning for your Muslim dignitary to also partake of Paula's meal? If so - well - someone should look into that a little further if indeed she is to choose pork.

No offense to your Godly city or anything.

Morton

[Morton Weinstein]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Oooo, I see you are also a fan of Sister Paula. She's so sweet - bless her precious heart.

Have you considered joining her fan club? http://www.landoverbaptist.net/group.php?groupid=36

Thank you for the information, lovely lady! I will join at once.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

I'm wishing for a Ladies Stoning Bucket competition, to be judged by Daisy Mae if possible. We already know she has won it, so if we would be honoured if she would agree to judge second and third places.


Now the children.
Under 6 boys: Learn how to make a slingshot
Under 6 girls: Learn how to throw a stone so that it doesn't hit your friend standing next to you or land 2 feet in front of you (we all know that girls are lousy at stone throwing)
Boys 6-12: Make a mock stoning set, suitable for a movie set. Complete with a clay or paper mache woman buried to her neck and blood dripping from her face.
Girls 6-12: Make a piñata stocked full of candy. I think one that resembles Barack Obama's head may be suitable.
At the conclusion of the festival, the children may smash the piñata.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Girls 6-12: Make a piñata stocked full of candy. I think one that resembles Barack Obama's head may be suitable.
At the conclusion of the festival, the children may smash the piñata.

Can I suggest 2 piñatas, one as above - for the boys - and another, filled with stones, for the girls? This would reinforce the valuable lesson that they are less important than their brothers.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Wonderful idea, Sister Hun. Maybe we could throw in a couple of scrubbing brushes in with the stones so that a couple of lucky girls could get something more than just stones.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: 2014 Summer Stoning Festival

Yes - useful stuff like that, dusters, dishcloths, needle & thread kits, wooden spoons for baking - there are all sorts of possibilities. I volunteer to get the necessary bits & pieces at the local Poundshop. Someone other than the girls will have to make it, though, so as not to spoil the surprise. It will be so exciting for them, especially as they will think only the boys are getting a piñata.

Hillary Clinton for the face, do you think?