Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

[Elmer G. White]

Ever since their cult was invented, Mormons have not passed any opportunity to add to their illogical burden of ridiculous claims. This is no surprise, as the cult was founded upon total disregard for the Commandments of Jesus.

Deuteronomy 4:2
Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

Yet the Mormons added. The result was the Book of Mormon (1), probably the most outrageous collection of psychedelic fantasies ever since the Qur'an. The Mormons still claim that they also revere the Bible but that is impossible as they decided that the Word of Jesus had to be supplemented with the drug-induced hallucinations of Mr. Smith. It remains an enigma why the Mormons would believe a collections of inconsistent and self-contradictory texts while a perfectly coherent and structured publication, the King James Version, would also be available.

It is hard to imagine that the Mormons could come up with anything even more ridiculous but now they have. The well-known sub-human creature, the Bigfoot, is supposedly none other than Cain (Genesis 4:1) himself, the son of Adam, the first murderer (Genesis 4:8).

Cain, after killing his brother Abel, was cursed by God and consigned to be a fugitive and vagabond and a mark or curse was placed upon him that would reveal his identity. In this variation of the story, that curse was the shape and form of a giant hairy beast that couldn’t die.

Now let us examine this moronic claim. First we shall look at the Biblical evidence:

Genesis 4:15
And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.

Now, the Mormons claim that the mark looks like this!


Does this really look like a "mark" that would tell a spectator that this Creature should be slain? Obviously, it is ugly and repulsive but so is my wife also, and I've yet to meet a passer-by who would take her as Cain. The claim is ridiculous. This is what the Cain and Abel incident actually looked like!



I can see no hirsutism. A Caucasian and quite a good-looking fellow slaying his brother in rage.

My conclusion: Biblically, the Mormon claim fails miserably, as expected.

Now let us see, if this Mormon hypothesis is feasible regarding other available data on Bigfeet. It is not. We can presume that the Bigfoot is a real Creature, as it has been sighted thousands of times all across the Earth's Disk although mostly in North America. This a map of the known confirmed Bigfoot observations:



Now, if Cain had become an immortal sub-human roaming the Earth until the End of Times, this would be certainly possible. During the 6000 years of his existence, he would well have covered all the marked regions. BUT there is more. We have also data on the schedule of Bigfoot movements. It shows us that the latest sighting of the Bigfoot in Palin's Alaska was in January 2014. However, there was a simultaneous Bigfoot report in South Carolina. If Bigfoot was Cain, he would have had to be in two locations at the same moment. This is impossible. The Mormon theory collapses.

If not Cain, then WHO is the Bigfoot?

We have the answer (2). A previous True Christian™ report has actually investigated this issue. As always, we win and the moronic Mormon ideas lose.

The only question scientists should be asking about Bigfoot is which Biblical figure is he descended from.

Genesis 25:25 And the first came out red, all ouer like an hairy garment: and they called his name, Esau.

See also Genesis 27 which deals more with Esau's hirsute nature.

Or does Bigfoot come from the line of Ishmael?

Genesis 16:12 And he will be a wilde man; his hand will be against euery man, and euery mans hand against him: & he shal dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

Genesis 21:20 And God was with the lad, and he grew, and dwelt in the wildernesse, and became an archer.

As you can see, either one would be a likely candidate as an ancestor of Bigfoot. It is even possible that the children of Esau met and mated with the children of Ishmael, so both could be Patriarchs in the Bigfoot line.

Both these True Christian™ hypotheses fit extremely well the theory of Genetic Entropy. The Bigfoot is sub-human but not Cain. It is a result of microevolution (which, unlike macroevolution is possible). It belongs to the human Created Kind but it has degenerated. Its closest relatives are probably the Catholics and Muslims who also descend from Ishmael. It is also feasible that this Mormon theory is an attempt to hide the Truth™ that Mormons themselves are descendants of Ishmael or Esau and hence very hairy. The Mormon underwear also gets an explanation. It is designed to cover the excess body hair of sub-humans.



Instead of proving anything, the Mormon claim gives us precious new insight into the corrupt nature of this false religion.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer


FOOTNOTES

1) The Book or Mormon or "The Outrageous Forgery of Alleged Gold Plates that Were translated into Anachronistic English and Never Seen before or After".
2) Des (a True Christian™ man) 2014: Bigfoot: Descendant of Ishmael or Esau? The Landover Baptist Forum.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

That is true revelation. I was brought up on Hopfenhauer’s Theory in which he argued that Bigfoot was a descendant of the Nephilim:

Ge:6:1: And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
Ge:6:2: That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Ge:6:3: And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
Ge:6:4: There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Ge:6:5: And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

whose kind had continued, by virtue of their Godly inheritance, to exist in reduced numbers even after the Flood.

Upon the untimely death of Hopfenhauer* Pastor Lamentations Flint announced the revealed Truth that Bigfoot was that, in fact, the creatures were members of a hairy race of Nigras rejected as slaves and forced to exist on roots and berries without the benefit of welfare.

This theory continued up until Lamentations Flint’s untimely demise at the hands of an out-of-control combined harvester driven by our present leader**, Ezekiel Flint, who received a further revelation and it became clear that Bigfoot was a member of the tribe of Philistines related to Goliath of Gath, and so the matter would have rested, had not Jesus seen fit to bless you with yet a further revelation, this time accompanied by the Divine Finger pointing at Genesis 25:25


Despite Genesis 16:12 , which has some merit, I think we may dismiss Ishmael because of Genesis 21:20: there is no record of Bigfoot using a bow and arrow - Ishmael has been associated with injuns.

I will present your finding to The Council Of Elders of Landover to have it tested against The Bible KJV1611. I wish you well.


*(You will recall that Hopfenhauer was brought before The Council Of Elders of Landover on charges of blasphemy (for implying that all life did not drown in The Flood)but before sentence could be pronounced, Hopfenhauer suffered a tragic accident near the Old Bridge when he was found burned to death. (The inquest showed that he had become entangled with a large stake whilst climbing on a pile of branches and, for reasons known only to God, the wood had ignited.)

** deemed another Act of God.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

I must say, Brother Bathfire, that the many theories by eminent True Christians™ have led me to a new hypothesis.

Is it not possible that ALL these theories are correct? We should not be blinded by the concept of the evolutionary heresy called 'common descent' when it comes to microevolution. Instead, this could be explained by 'common outcome', convergence of phenotype due to sin. Nephilim, Hamites, Philistines, Ishmaelites and Esauites could all have degenerated to these sub-humans that all display the hairy bestiality!

This new theory seems so simple yet so attractive that it only needs Biblical support to confirm that many lines of sinners could have produced outwardly similar Bigfeet! Obviously, the proof is there. These are all special Creations. Creation is a miracle and God has been shown to give some of His apostles the capability to produce special miracles!

Acts 19:11
And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul:

I also think that we have too few of these brainstorming sessions that yield unprecedented breakthroughs in Creation Science. I'm hoping that my application to a tenure track position in Landover University is finally accepted before Rapture. We could have many more illuminating discussions that way.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[I Man Rastafari]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

That sasquatch on the motorcycle is actually a Black man who apparently has one parent or grandparent who is Lebanese. That is why his naps are not kinky and that is why he has so much hair.

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

Thank you for an informative and thought provoking post Mr White.

Your latest hypothesis has great explanatory power. If bigfeet are descendants of Cain or the Nephilim, how did they survive until the present day? Wouldn't they have been wiped out in the flood? The Bible tells us only eight people survived: Noah and his family (First Peter 3:20).

But if bigfeet are subhuman, Noah would have taken two on board the ark with all the other animals. They may have been kept in the same section as the unicorns and dragons and such like. They may have had stall next to a pair of cockatrices.

Now as we know, soon after the flood many species like the dinosaurs died out. It seems that God, in His infinite wisdom, after going to all the trouble of ensuring the survival of all the animals in the ark, made the post-flood climate unsuitable for many of them by destroying the water canopy above the earth. It's possible bigfeet died out around the same time.

But then Ishmael and Esau and Goliath came along and those of their descendants that survive roam the earth as bigfeet.

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

But if bigfeet are subhuman, Noah would have taken two on board the ark with all the other animals. They may have been kept in the same section as the unicorns and dragons and such like. They may have had stall next to a pair of cockatrices.

Whoa! I'd just like to make a correction. God sent Noah a pair of each kind of bird but then told him to take seven extra.

Genesis 6:20 Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

Genesis 7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
Genesis 7:3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

There would have been nine cockatrices aboard the ark.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

Thank you for an informative and thought provoking post Mr White.

Your latest hypothesis has great explanatory power. If bigfeet are descendants of Cain or the Nephilim, how did they survive until the present day? Wouldn't they have been wiped out in the flood? The Bible tells us only eight people survived: Noah and his family (First Peter 3:20).

But if bigfeet are subhuman, Noah would have taken two on board the ark with all the other animals. They may have been kept in the same section as the unicorns and dragons and such like. They may have had stall next to a pair of cockatrices.

Now as we know, soon after the flood many species like the dinosaurs died out. It seems that God, in His infinite wisdom, after going to all the trouble of ensuring the survival of all the animals in the ark, made the post-flood climate unsuitable for many of them by destroying the water canopy above the earth. It's possible bigfeet died out around the same time.

But then Ishmael and Esau and Goliath came along and those of their descendants that survive roam the earth as bigfeet.

Have you considered a career in Creation Science, Mr. Swallows? The money is not very good but a position in Heaven is worth some sacrifices, isn't it? I think that your addition of several subsequent episodes of genetic entropy, both pre- and post-Flood is quite revolutionary. If God designed our genomes with the potential of punishment by decay into sub-humans, why would this phenomenon take place only once?

Hebrews 8:13
In that he saith, A new covenant, he hath made the first old. Now that which decayeth and waxeth old is ready to vanish away.

I think that the Journal of Creation might be interested in a full paper.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

Have you considered a career in Creation Science, Mr. Swallows? The money is not very good but a position in Heaven is worth some sacrifices, isn't it?

Well I'm flattered, Mr White. I'd never actually considered it before, but who knows? Maybe God is calling me in a new direction. I will prayerfully consider it.

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

What an historic event! I can see the headlines!

Dr. White comes before Swallows and is pleased, pushing the man into a position of more service!

OH LORD YES! PRAISE SWEET JESUS!

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

What an historic event! I can see the headlines!

Dr. White comes before Swallows and is pleased, pushing the man into a position of more service!

OH LORD YES! PRAISE SWEET JESUS!

Dr White is very open-minded, and I'm willing to try different positions. I will go wherever the Lord calls and do as He commands.

Creation scientists are often (unfairly) portrayed as closed-minded. In this thread we have seen how Dr White was willing to modify his hypothesis in collaboration with other creationists. I think a creationist should be open to considering anything, no matter how far-fetched or seemingly improbable, as long as it isn't evolution and it doesn't conflict with the Bible.

Dr White has certainly given me some food for thought. I'm chewing it over.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

Dr White is very open-minded, and I'm willing to try different positions. I will go wherever the Lord calls and do as He commands.

Creation scientists are often (unfairly) portrayed as closed-minded. In this thread we have seen how Dr White was willing to modify his hypothesis in collaboration with other creationists. I think a creationist should be open to considering anything, no matter how far-fetched or seemingly improbable, as long as it isn't evolution and it doesn't conflict with the Bible.

Dr White has certainly given me some food for thought. I'm chewing it over.

Mr. Swallows,

I find it a source of enormous hope that a newcomer to our Forum understands so perfectly the nature of Creation Science: We are totally unbiased to new data as long as it is compatible with the Good Book, as long as it glorifies Jesus. In contrast, the promoters of the evil lotion heresy have by definition refused to consider supernatural explanations, they just call it 'methodological naturalism'. By its very nature, it is biased. Of course, God knew this would happen and He has explained all this to us through His prophets.



Isaiah 29:10
For the LORD hath poured out upon you the spirit of deep sleep, and hath closed your eyes: the prophets and your rulers, the seers hath he covered.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Hilarious Mormon Idiocy: "Bigfoot Is Cain"

Is it not possible that ALL these theories are correct? We should not be blinded by the concept of the evolutionary heresy called 'common descent' when it comes to microevolution. Instead, this could be explained by 'common outcome', convergence of phenotype due to sin. Nephilim, Hamites, Philistines, Ishmaelites and Esauites could all have degenerated to these sub-humans that all display the hairy bestiality!

I agree. We know of the common phrase, "As ugly as sin", and your hypothesis certainly incorporates that.

However, I am conscious that there is no need to constrain ourselves by mere human experience: there are many things that we do not understand, and "The Ways of God" is but one of them.

We can never know if God might provide yet another revelation at some time in the future and to that extent, I suggest we also add, "and the Ways of God." - That should cover it.

Will you be writing the paper? I ask as I am going to pray for a dream in which a hint might be given - if it works, I'll pass it on to you.

This new theory seems so simple yet so attractive that it only needs Biblical support

You might like to look at Malachi:2:1 - 3 and consider if there might not have been some tall priests from whom the Bigfoot could have descended via corruption.

PS, That man Swallows is keen and sharp, isn't he? I'd take him up on his offer if I were you - round hole - round peg.