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101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
- Lots of garlic:
- Spend lots of time in the sun.
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
3. Don't go near Catholic Churches.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
Carry Grape Juice as a decoy: De:32:14: Butter of kine, and milk of sheep, with fat of lambs, and rams of the breed of Bashan, and goats, with the fat of kidneys of wheat; and thou didst drink the pure blood of the grape.sigpic
Author of such illuminating essays as,
“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.Comment
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
Stay away from joo lawyers.Luke 5:31
And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
The Holy Light that exuberates from a True Christian™ is more than enough to fend off these foul creatures of the undead. Failing that, have a mudslime decoy nearby.BEHOLD!!!
THE BUS TO DAMNATION!
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May Jesus guide this Bus off a cliff and STRAIGHT TO HELL!
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
Tithe 30% of your gross to Landover Baptist Church! If you try and jip Jesus, He'll sic vampires on you.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
9. On Halloween night, shoot anyone who comes on your property.Comment
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
10. On any other night, shoot anyone who comes on your property.BEHOLD!!!
THE BUS TO DAMNATION!
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May Jesus guide this Bus off a cliff and STRAIGHT TO HELL!
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
I should have been clearer. I meant shoot them with an arrow. Wood through a vampire's heart kills them right away.
Also, don't forget they can't get inside your house unless you invite them. So
12. Never invite anyone inside your house.Comment
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
13. Come on down to FREEHOLD FIREARMS on the corner of Exodus and 7th for the biggest stock of silver bullets, rifles, handguns and automatics this side of Transylvania!
Got vampires? No problem! We offer pure silver hollow point slugs that will stop any old bloodsucker at any time of the night, guaranteed!
Whether it's an enormous Wiccan out of Christian blood or a spindly 'World of Warcraft' nerd, FREEHOLD FIREARMS has something to blow them all away straight to the bowels of hell! We accept all major credit cards, cash and local checks! PRAISE JESUS!sigpic
The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
- Proverbs 15:3
CHILDREN'S STORY: TIMMY ON TRIAL
CHRISTIAN ADVICE AND MESSAGES OF HOPE! GOD'S GREATEST HITS!
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Re: 101 ways to protect yourself from vampires:
Originally posted by Nobar King View PostOriginally posted by Bob4God View Post
Silver bullets are for werewovles, not vampires. Wood bullets would work I guess, as would hollowpoints filled with garlic.
14. Holy Water splashed in their faces makes them melt/smoke.
15. And hello!?! Crosses and strong faith in Jesus keeps them away too!
16. And they're not terribly fond of mirrors since they cast no reflection. So a suit like Chris Isaak wears might do some good.
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Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!Comment
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