Animal Crackers

[Old Man Hatchet]

Animal crackers are a gateway food to bestiality and other forms of sexual deviance. Animal crackers depict entire animals; therefore, animal genitals are implicit. When children consume these salacious snacks, they are essentially munching on donkey ding-dongs and buffalo bottoms. Additionally, many children orchestrate coitus between the animals.



If you allow your child to eat animal crackers, soon he or she will not be satiated by cookies and move on to licking the no-no areas of pets and even wild animals. He or she will also get off on making animals do it.

Perhaps you're thinking: "But we eat animals, and that doesn't cause abnormal sexual behavior. Why are animal crackers any different?" The obvious answer to your stupid question is that generally when we consume animals, they look nothing like they do in their original state.


BEFORE


AFTER

Animal crackers look very much like the animals they represent. When a child licks and nibbles these delectable but devilish treats, a very unhealthy association between pleasure and animals is created.

So keep animal crackers out of your pantries. Also, avoid cookies that are phallic-shaped, like Vienna Fingers.



Instead, buy cookies with shapes that are fun AND safe, like round and roundish. You've been warned, parents.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: Animal Crackers

While Ritz crackers are the correct shape, I think the name has a homo connotation, so I might advise folks to not buy those either.

They are also experimenting with low sodium and veggie varieties, so as to underscore the homo thing.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Animal Crackers

Also beware of Teddy Grahams.



You can see the lust swelling within this little girl as she claws at the package to get her fix of licking and sucking bears.



Of course, lusting after bears is not only sick, but very dangerous. I predict that one day the above girl will be mauled to death after attempting to fellate a grizzly.

[Nobar King]

Re: Animal Crackers

I have to admit that I loved animal crackers as a kid, especially the camels, and I liked to eat their legs first, then the head, then the body. I don't know why they call them crackers, and not cookies. No doubt they originated in England.

I've since outgrown my animal tendencies and prefer my meat they way god intended it- grilled and on a bun.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Animal Crackers

You should also avoid graham crackers.



They have sharp edges. If you give your child a graham cracker, you're pretty much giving him or her a switchblade. Most children who eat graham crackers join gangs. If you've already fed your child graham crackers, be vigilant for gang signs.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Animal Crackers

I didn't even know they made animal crackers anymore.

As for the gang signs, has that child sprouted extra fingers?

Personally I believe that all cookies should be home made, that way you know whats in them. Proper lard and butter, not these chemical compositions they're trying to force on us these days.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Animal Crackers

Brother Hatchet, do have a call on "shredded wheat"? I have heard mixed reviews on this one. People have claimed it was originally meant as an anti-self pollution aid, but I would think an SOS pad to the nethers would do the same thing.

[Sidoain]

Re: Animal Crackers

the 1st picture and the box of Rits crackers, all kids use to eat these. They are popular and still are in our days. Its also what i used to eat. Today, i still eat these Rits. I dont see the problem seriously.

Anyway, bestiality is the rarest thing ever. Ppl either do it on purpose to impersonate and make money like in the Jackass show, but other then that, its the rarest thing we hear about. Last time, i heard a kid doing it with a cat.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Animal Crackers

the 1st picture and the box of Rits crackers, all kids use to eat these. They are popular and still are in our days. Its also what i used to eat. Today, i still eat these Rits. I dont see the problem seriously.

Anyway, bestiality is the rarest thing ever. Ppl either do it on purpose to impersonate and make money like in the Jackass show, but other then that, its the rarest thing we hear about. Last time, i heard a kid doing it with a cat.

Slowdrain where ya been? Still looking for a man at the truck stop? Could you do me a small favor? Don't tell us about you sick sex life with animals.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Animal Crackers

I didn't even know they made animal crackers anymore.

They still do, but the perverts have ruined them for all decent Christians, just like they have with so many other things. I remember one of my father's (Pastor Lamentations Flint) negro servants used to sing this song while she gave me my bath as a boy. Those were the days.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Animal Crackers

Good Gracious!

Here in Australia we have a large problem too! It doesn't stop at cookies and crackers here. It extends to chocolate treats as well!!



^--- Notice one is a devil!



Frogs!! Some of them even have creamy centers!




Koala!!



^.... No doubt to promote lesbian activity!

I warn you of these Brothers and Sisters as there are satan worshipers, as we speak, attempting to get them into the US.

YIC,

WS

[Nobar King]

Re: Animal Crackers

^.... No doubt to promote lesbian activity!

You are certainly right about that one! Only girls buy Hell-o Kitty for each other. When have you ever heard of a boy buying Hello Kitty?

[Sidoain]

Re: Animal Crackers

You are certainly right about that one! Only girls buy Hell-o Kitty for each other. When have you ever heard of a boy buying Hello Kitty?

Well, i know something that will shock you. There is a game name Hello kitty online. A kind of World of Warcraft, but made for kids only. Even little boys play that game.

Just look at the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkGv2uk2xo

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Animal Crackers

Well, i know something that will shock you. There is a game name Hello kitty online. A kind of World of Warcraft, but made for kids only. Even little boys play that game.

Just look at the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkGv2uk2xo

So not only are you gay, but you go looking on boards that are full of 6-12 year old sissy boys?

And the liebrals say homers aren't constantly recruiting.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Animal Crackers

Well, i know something that will shock you. There is a game name Hello kitty online. A kind of World of Warcraft, but made for kids only. Even little boys play that game.

Just look at the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkGv2uk2xo

How do you know of this so readily, Sidoain?

AND, how do you know little boys play this game?! Do YOU lure them over there?

Good Christian Boys and Girls should be playing THIS:

Left Behind: Eternal Forces.

In the single-player campaign, the player controls the Tribulation Force, a Christian group in a post-Rapture New York City, who are combating the influence of the Global Community, the world government led by the Antichrist Nicolae Carpathia. The player directs the actions of the main characters (Rayford Steele, Cameron "Buck" Williams, Chloe Steele, and Bruce Barnes) and the Tribulation Force's units in an effort to defeat the Global Community by converting neutral and Global Community-allied civilians to their side, or by using lethal force when necessary.

PRAISE JESUS!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left_Behind:_Eternal_Forces

That certainly sounds a lot better that and is far more inspiring than Hell-o Kitty, turning strapping future Soldiers of Christ, into homer nancy boys!