[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

I can't even finish the opening of this thread without two things coming to mind. 1. I really hope that Cranky Old Man is a [satanic link deleted]

A what???

2. What is this man thinking?!

Eh, you could consider actually reading the posting !?

I never needed two of these smileys for one posting. Does everyone around you run away once you start talking?

[Kierkegaard]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

You're talking about sex like it's a bad thing. That's just stupid. In addition, hitting your unborn child is NOT a good idea if you want a healthy child. You could actually end up killing your unborn child if you, like "Cranky Old Man" says, hit hard with a rod. This is nonesense.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

You're talking about sex like it's a bad thing.

Sex in itself is not a bad thing. It's something we unfortunately have to do to make children. Sex only becomes bad when people try to enjoy having it.

You could actually end up killing your unborn child if you, like "Cranky Old Man" says, hit hard with a rod.

Of course not! The goal when hitting children should always be to teach them, never to damage them.

[BaronOB]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Generally you are right, but I have some doubts about heating with the road, is it really necessary?

[hannpann]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

Being a 73 year old True Christian™, having 9 sons, even some daughters and over 100 grandchildren, I know a lot about making children. Since I get a lot of questions about how children are made, I decided to write this guide so everyone can read the very important things I have to say about this. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.

Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!

Step #1: Become a True Christian™!
In case you are not a True Christian™ yet, your first priority should be to become one. The Landover Baptist Church forum is filled with wisdom on how to achieve this, so I am not going to spend much words on this. In short what you have to do, as explained in 2nd Timothy 3:16, is to memorize the entire KJV1611 Holy Bible and do everything it says. Getting on your knees and praying to Jesus being an important part of that.

Step #2: Get a True Christian™ wife!
You have to marry a virgin True Christian™ wife. Those are not easy to find. If your father does not select one for you your Pastor can be of great help. Tithing a lot of money to your Pastor will usually increase the quality of the wife he will help you find. So be sure to tithe a lot of money! Marry a wife as young as is legally allowed where you live. Make sure she has great looks and can bake an excellent pie. Taste her pie before you marry her! Ignore retarded people babbling on about love and caring, they do not know what they are talking about!

Once you are married, all details on how you have to treat your new wife can be found in the KJV1611 Holy Bible, specifically 1st Timothy 2:11-12, Genesis 3:16, Matthew 18:25, Ephesians 5:28-29, 1st Corinthians 7:4 and 1st Corinthians 7:2. To summarize, your wife should be silent and do everything you command her to do.

Step #3: Have SEX!
This is the tricky part. Sex is an awful activity that has to be practiced exactly once for every child you want to make. It's a horrible despicable act that unfortunately has to be done to make the child. Details on sex can be found in Genesis 29:30 (about going into the women) and Leviticus 15:32 (about the seed you have to plant). Make sure you have sex at the proper moment during her "cycle". Don't even bother figuring out how that works, just ask your wife as she will know about this. Unfortunately, she is probably going to tell you about it even if you don't ask about it.

Step #4: Pray for a son!
Getting sons is easy. As explained in Matthew 6:6 just pray to God and as mentioned in Luke 18:27 you will get what you pray for. Your first child will of course always have to be a son. With the next children it becomes more tricky though. First of all your wife will start pressuring you for daughters. And daughters do indeed have some small practical applications as they can help your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with. But there is a more complicated issue to consider. Even though daughters are essentially worthless, your own sons will need True Christian™ wives as will the sons of other True Christians™. Unfortunately the only way to make this all work is to also have some daughters. And even worse, you will need extra sex to make those. Life isn't always easy.

Step #5: Wait 5 months.
Essentially all you have to do the next 5 months is to ignore some whining from your wife, just be firm with her, ignore all her unreasonable wishes and make sure she keeps up with all her duties.

Step #6: In the next 4 months start hitting your wife's belly with a rod, HARD!
As I explained in my insightful article on "Start hitting your child with a rod 16 weeks before birth!", after 5 months you can start hitting your unborn child with a rod. This way you prevent the child from going to hell, as explained in Proverbs 23:13-14 and at the same time you can discipline your wife for whatever she did wrong today. Unfortunately you will notice your wife getting fatter and uglier during this period. That is just the way God designed it. Don't forget to mention to your wife often that she is getting fatter and uglier to prevent her from overdoing it!

Step #7: Get out of town, FAST!
About 9 months after you had sex, make sure you are out of town! You never want to be around when the child is actually born! As explained in Genesis 3:16 God designed childbirth to be extremely painful to punish your wife for Eve's sins and all that clearly has nothing to do with you. Also in the first few days after birth the child tends to make a lot of noise, also something to avoid. Finally women tend to neglect their duties the first few days after childbirth. My personal recommendation for these events is to go on a nice long hunting trip with some good friends!

Step #8: Go home and check if the child is yours!
Wait at least a week after the child is born before you go home. Check thoroughly if the child is indeed yours. A True Christian™ DNA test is the least you should do here. If you suspect the child is not yours, e.g. the child is ugly, divorce your wife on the spot and start again at step #2. If you made very sure the child is indeed yours, congratulate yourself on a job well done! Make sure you do not allow your wife to forsake her duties. Some extra discipline might be needed to keep your household in proper order. It's also time to start raising your child now, as explained in Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to RAISING CHILDREN!

Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know to make your own children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Genesis 1:28 "... Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth ..."

what the **** ???
this is just stupid !! this forum is nothing but a big fat joke !!!

[hannpann]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

You obviously didn't bother to read the scripture I provided.

Since you are too lazy to click on a link, I will do it for you. Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

Childbirth being extremely painful is a punishment from God for all women because Eve sinned. This only involves women, so men should not be bothered with this.

Maybe Eve sinned first, but Adam sinned too you know....

[Sophia Chipman]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

If you're not both ENJOYING sex, you're not doing it right. TRust me, you're doing it ALL wrong.

Are you some Godless greek? Read the introduction: all greeks are dirty mother p*flers

[Barry]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Well said Sophia Chipman and might I just say, if we were ever to have sex together, I can promise you now, you would never enjoy it.

[Johanne]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Please explain me why you have to hit the unborn child with a rot?
I guess it will cause damange?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Please explain me why you have to hit the unborn child with a rot?

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

I guess it will cause damange?

So?

[Ivan1352]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

What A dummy He is clearly a handicap or a troll what ever happened to compassion and love, You know you make me laugh so hard cranky, don't be such a sexist heartless monster

[Marko Loimaan-Aho]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

What A dummy He is clearly a handicap or a troll what ever happened to compassion and love, You know you make me laugh so hard cranky, don't be such a sexist heartless monster

Some respect to a wise, old True Christian, please!!!

Btw. - why are you here if you don't read bible at all? Read first some

[eriktuz]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

thank you

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Is it absolutely necessary that my bride be a virgin? What about widows? I know one who seems to be kind of sweet on me.

[Marko Loimaan-Aho]

Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN!

Is it absolutely necessary that my bride be a virgin? What about widows? I know one who seems to be kind of sweet on me.

I think only pastors are ordered to take virgins only Leviticus 21:7

Is she a proper widow, praying days and nights, like Anna? Luke 2:36-38
If she is very willing to...khrm...marry you, there is these promises
1 Corinthians 7:8-9
I think you save her from if you marry her - otherwise she will burn.

And there is also these HOLY WORDS: 1 Corinthians 7:39