Tweet
"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."
I already created guides for making children and for raising children. At some point however, the children are raised and it is time to get rid of them. Also some children turn out to be complete failures, because your wife did something wrong, in which case you need to get rid of them even sooner. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.
Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!
The easy ones
In many cases children leave their home by themselves. For some reason most of my children left the house as soon as it was legally allowed. You will have to make sure they marry a proper True Christian™ partner and it might take some extra tithing to the Church to get a Pastor to help you with that. The more you tithe, the better their partner will be. But other than that, these are the easy cases. In the rest of this guide I will explain how you can handle the tougher cases like young children and ugly girls.
Getting rid of unborn children
This is an extreme measure that only should only be taken in extreme cases. An example would be your wife getting pregnant while you didn't have sex with her. In general abortion is not allowed because of Exodus 20:13. However if you strictly follow Exodus 21:22-25, it is just a matter of killing the doctor who did the procedure and your soul will still be fine. Since 1st Peter 2:13-17 states we have to follow secular law you will have to do all this on one of these Dutch abortion ships while being on international waters. So it is a complicated procedure, but it is possible. Don't forget to divorce your wife and get a new one after all this. God will take care of further punishing your wife as explained in Hebrews 13:4.
Getting rid of babies and young children (age 0-12)
If your wife failed you and your child turns out to be a failure as a result of that, the best way to get rid of them is to send them on a sleepover at your wife's parents. After sending them on the sleepover just never pick them up again. After all, they are the cause of the problem as they raised your wife. Depending on how your wife's parents respond to this you might have to move without sending them your new address.
Getting rid of older children (age 12-18)
As explained in Matthew 18:25, the Bible clearly allows you to sell your children. Depending on their limited skills there are various ways to acomplish this. In this modern day and age websites like eBay and craigslist are a great way to sell your failed children. You can find an example of how to sell your child on craigslist here.
Getting rid of ugly girls (age 18-)
Provided you didn't solve the problem sooner, perhaps the girl didn't seem that ugly when she was younger or you just never paid any attention to her, there is an easy strategy to get rid of an ugly girl. Get her raped! Just let her watch 5 minutes of Disney television so she figures our how to dress like a whore. Then when she is dressed like a whore, just drop her at the nearest bar when it is very late and everyone is drunk and then wait until she gets raped. Depending on how ugly she is this might take several tries. After that, as explained in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, she will have to marry her rapist after which she will be her husband's problem. You will even get a nice sum of money for this. If she refuses to marry her rapist, just read Brother Percy's What can you do if your daughter refuses to marry her rapist. If the rapists refuses to marry her once he sobers up, just getting him drunk again and a trip to Las Vegas should be an easy fix.
Getting rid of stupid sons (age 18-)
If your son turns out to have your wife's brains instead of yours you have a serious problem. Getting rid of stupid sons is one of the toughest cases. Unfortunately they tend to never leave the home on their own and they also fail at finding a proper wife. The only way to solve this is to find a True Christian™ father having problems getting rid of a stupid or ugly daughter and make a deal to help each other solve this problem. Unfortunately even after the kids get married, they can still cause you some trouble as explained here by Brother James: Where are our Grandchildren?
Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about making children, raising children and getting rid of children. If you actually achieved all these things the only thing left is to wait for death so you can go to Heaven. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
I already created guides for making children and for raising children. At some point however, the children are raised and it is time to get rid of them. Also some children turn out to be complete failures, because your wife did something wrong, in which case you need to get rid of them even sooner. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.
Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!
The easy ones
In many cases children leave their home by themselves. For some reason most of my children left the house as soon as it was legally allowed. You will have to make sure they marry a proper True Christian™ partner and it might take some extra tithing to the Church to get a Pastor to help you with that. The more you tithe, the better their partner will be. But other than that, these are the easy cases. In the rest of this guide I will explain how you can handle the tougher cases like young children and ugly girls.
Getting rid of unborn children
This is an extreme measure that only should only be taken in extreme cases. An example would be your wife getting pregnant while you didn't have sex with her. In general abortion is not allowed because of Exodus 20:13. However if you strictly follow Exodus 21:22-25, it is just a matter of killing the doctor who did the procedure and your soul will still be fine. Since 1st Peter 2:13-17 states we have to follow secular law you will have to do all this on one of these Dutch abortion ships while being on international waters. So it is a complicated procedure, but it is possible. Don't forget to divorce your wife and get a new one after all this. God will take care of further punishing your wife as explained in Hebrews 13:4.
Getting rid of babies and young children (age 0-12)
If your wife failed you and your child turns out to be a failure as a result of that, the best way to get rid of them is to send them on a sleepover at your wife's parents. After sending them on the sleepover just never pick them up again. After all, they are the cause of the problem as they raised your wife. Depending on how your wife's parents respond to this you might have to move without sending them your new address.
Getting rid of older children (age 12-18)
As explained in Matthew 18:25, the Bible clearly allows you to sell your children. Depending on their limited skills there are various ways to acomplish this. In this modern day and age websites like eBay and craigslist are a great way to sell your failed children. You can find an example of how to sell your child on craigslist here.
Getting rid of ugly girls (age 18-)
Provided you didn't solve the problem sooner, perhaps the girl didn't seem that ugly when she was younger or you just never paid any attention to her, there is an easy strategy to get rid of an ugly girl. Get her raped! Just let her watch 5 minutes of Disney television so she figures our how to dress like a whore. Then when she is dressed like a whore, just drop her at the nearest bar when it is very late and everyone is drunk and then wait until she gets raped. Depending on how ugly she is this might take several tries. After that, as explained in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, she will have to marry her rapist after which she will be her husband's problem. You will even get a nice sum of money for this. If she refuses to marry her rapist, just read Brother Percy's What can you do if your daughter refuses to marry her rapist. If the rapists refuses to marry her once he sobers up, just getting him drunk again and a trip to Las Vegas should be an easy fix.
Getting rid of stupid sons (age 18-)
If your son turns out to have your wife's brains instead of yours you have a serious problem. Getting rid of stupid sons is one of the toughest cases. Unfortunately they tend to never leave the home on their own and they also fail at finding a proper wife. The only way to solve this is to find a True Christian™ father having problems getting rid of a stupid or ugly daughter and make a deal to help each other solve this problem. Unfortunately even after the kids get married, they can still cause you some trouble as explained here by Brother James: Where are our Grandchildren?
Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about making children, raising children and getting rid of children. If you actually achieved all these things the only thing left is to wait for death so you can go to Heaven. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
.
please excuse and ignore my answer 
Comment