Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

[Larry Lee]

This occurred to me out of the blue this morning while I was in quiet time with the Lord. Clearly, He was speaking to me.

Dwarves are an abomination before the Lord. He hates them. He really, really does.

17. ...Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
18. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
19. Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
20. Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken [oops, StarFinder, looks like the Lord's got you on His list hate list, too];
21. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God (Leviticus 21).

Let's ignore StarFinder for a moment and just focus on dwarves.

To my knowledge, we've never had a dwarf wedding at Landover Baptist. However, Brother Hatchet still maintains his longstanding ministry to the dwarves, and he remains committed to helping them find staring roles in small-budget films. How he does enjoy watching them perform! Of course, it's only a matter of time before one of Hatchet's protégés wants to hitch up with another one of its kind. And then where will we be? IN VIOLATION OF GOD'S WORD! That's where.

I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's over time to put a stop to the hypothetical possibility of a dwarf wedding in Landover.

Ban dwarf weddings! NOW. That's what I say.

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

Dwarves are an abomination before the Lord. He hates them. He really, really does... Ban dwarf weddings! NOW. That's what I say.

A dwarf is, like any of us, a precious child in the eyes of our Heavenly Father regardless of personal shortcomings... to suggest otherwise is the height of ignorance.



Bless you, my Randy Newman fan,
Father Mo


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[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

A dwarf is, like any of us, a precious child in the eyes of our Heavenly Father regardless of personal shortcomings... to suggest otherwise is the height of ignorance.



Bless you, my Randy Newman fan,
Father Mo


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And you have scripture to back up that claim? Or is that another shortage of evidence so prevalent in your catlick business conglomerate?

[Larry Lee]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

And you have scripture to back up that claim? Or is that another shortage of evidence so prevalent in your catlick business conglomerate?

You've got something there, Brother. A dwarf is an abomination before the Lord, plain and simple. Just the thought of two dwarves "marrying" makes my skin crawl.

God instituted Holy matrimony for one tall person and another tall person, not for two freaks of nature who willfully flaunt their shortness and ignore God's prohibitions. It's unbelievable.

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's over time to put a stop to the hypothetical possibility of a dwarf wedding in Landover.

You know, at first, I thought, well, we let the nigras marry, so why not let the dwarves marry, too? Then I realized that, of course, we need a fresh supply of pickanninies every generation to provide servants, since it's much easier to keep them in the place that God appointed for them if we train then from birth than if we bring our servants in as adults from the outside. Except for the dwarf bowling on Saturday evenings at the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Lanes, we really don't have much call in Freehold for dwarves.

Unfortunately, as a matter of secular law, there are some stupid equal protection laws on the books that would cause a lot of unwanted attention were we to ban dwarf marriage outright. So my suggestion is that our pastors perform marriage ceremonies only on the Vengance of the Lord roller coaster in the Landover Bible Theme Park and Red Sea World. If we get a pastor to say it's required by our religion, then it's protected by the First Amendment, so the courts can't touch us. Besides, don't you think a roller coaster is a pretty good metaphor for marriage?*

* Just a little humor to add some levity, since dwarf marriage is, when you think about it, a pretty hilarious business. We are, of course, 100% pro-family here at Landover, and there is no such thing as marital problems when wives obey their husbands in all things as the Bible requires.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

You know, at first, I thought, well, we let the nigras marry, so why not let the dwarves marry, too? Then I realized that, of course, we need a fresh supply of pickanninies every generation to provide servants, since it's much easier to keep them in the place that God appointed for them if we train then from birth than if we bring our servants in as adults from the outside. Except for the dwarf bowling on Saturday evenings at the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Lanes, we really don't have much call in Freehold for dwarves.

Unfortunately, as a matter of secular law, there are some stupid equal protection laws on the books that would cause a lot of unwanted attention were we to ban dwarf marriage outright. So my suggestion is that our pastors perform marriage ceremonies only on the Vengance of the Lord roller coaster in the Landover Bible Theme Park and Red Sea World. If we get a pastor to say it's required by our religion, then it's protected by the First Amendment, so the courts can't touch us. Besides, don't you think a roller coaster is a pretty good metaphor for marriage?*

* Just a little humor to add some levity, since dwarf marriage is, when you think about it, a pretty hilarious business. We are, of course, 100% pro-family here at Landover, and there is no such thing as marital problems when wives obey their husbands in all things as the Bible requires.

Brilliant Brother Smith!! All we need to do is paint a line on the wall with the legal disclaimer "You must be THIS tall to use the roller coaster" and we'll keep those liberal government lawyers off our back.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?


It occurs to me that dwarves arose in prominence owing to our shortsighted child labor laws. Unless these are repealed we may have to suffer further procreation among dwarves.

I would certainly not like to see dwarves start thinking they are some kind of minority; Lord know we have enough problems with homers and lezbeans wanting to get married.

[Wide-Open]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

21. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come

Why does this remind me of the Clintons?

Bless you, my Randy Newman fan,

Short people got no reason to live.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

I think this is much ado about nothing. We should allow Dwarf and midget marriages during the annual Renaissance Festival after the halfling proves himself worthy by being garbed in full armour and venturing out on a pony or pot-bellied pig to win the heat of his fair maiden by completing a quest.

In order to be fair, we'd have to include midgets and just plain short people.

Or we can search the Bible for the minimum height of a Christian. I'm guessing that it's at least five feet tall because Prince, Tom Cruise and all those squatties cant qualify so they have to go off and become Sintologists and laughable day saints.

We can't make snap decisions about these things. We have to compute the ratio of people who can crawl in the furnace and repair it to the amount of food they can grow. My wine celler is only 3 feet high to make it easier to maintain the temperature and humidity, and my underground mushroom plantation, where the best Belgian truffles in the world grow can only be tended by little people.

The other side of my farm, where the million candlepower underground Gro-lites run 24/7 gets very hot and they seem to be able to handle it pretty well. We only lose a few a month in there.

I say we send this matter to committee and ask for a report. No offense to anyone, I just don't want to rush into something just because not all of you are getting a er....commission.

[Meek and Humble]

Re: Why are dwarves allowed to marry in Freehold?

Haven't these dwarf freaks read 1 Corinthians 13? "When I was a child, etc.." These people cannot be true Christians, and God in His infinite wisdom has taken to making this obvious by not allowing them to outgrow children in height.