[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I think I heard this one from Sister M&M;

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

How many Darwinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They figure the old bulb wasn't fit enough to survive and will wait for a new one to evolve.

How many nigras does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to shoot out the old bulb, one to steal a new one, and one to keep having babies until welfare will come and put the bulb in for them.

How many priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hundreds. One to screw in the new, younger bulb and the rest to keep moving him from parish to parish.
(Sorry for the salty language on that one!)

How many wicceds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to sacrifice the cat, one to "cast the spell", one to insist that their lightbulbs were invented first, before Jesus was born, and one to call Daddy to come down to the basement to change the bulb.

How many homers does it take to change a lightbulb?
70. One to remove the old bulb, and the rest to search for whose Satan hole the new one is hidden in.

How many catlicks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows yet because they're still waiting for the Pope to tell them it's okay to change it.

How many popes does it take to change a lightbulb.
Trick question. They don't use bulbs, they get their illumination from the fiery depths of Hell.

How many Asian children does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and she'll do it for 3 cents per hour or else.

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ha! They're too stoned to know it's dark!

Seriously, how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to tell us that lightbulbs destroy the environment and they're only doing this to demonstrate our folly.

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't believe electricity exists and would rather mock those of us who like living in the light.

How many Demoncrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer to this is long and complicated, but all you need to know is that in the end, your taxes will have increased.

How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?
Are you kidding? They'll see the darkness as a blessing from Mary to start yet another lezbean orgy!

How many lieberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
If they ever stop blaming President Bush for the darkness, maybe we'll get an answer.

How many mexican'ts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't be silly. They'd rather sit in the darkness than do any work. Silly!

How many joos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but give him a couple days first to decide if the cost is worth it.

And finally, just to show that we can be self-deprecating here...

How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, who will pray to God, Who will reply, "Let there be light!"

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What happens when you attempt to fornicate prior to marriage:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What happens when you SUCCEED at fornication prior to marriage:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Something having nothing to do with fornication OR marriage!

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. The three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know much about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting and clearly unSaved woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The unSaved woman stops screaming long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike? Are you f**kin' blind?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice."

[Chezund Rice]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
frankly, God was tired of hearing all the
bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards
and typed away.
They mouse.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed
every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity
came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically,
screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE!
"I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed
this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have
any?"

God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Hindu Mystery Solved

FINALLY, THIS MYSTERY HAS BEEN CLEARED UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story:

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If the new husband has won none of these, he must take a job in India answering telephones, giving technical advice.

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

The 7 reasons not to mess with kids...

Reason 1

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Reason 2

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Reason 3

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Reason 4

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, God turns one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Reason 5

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Reason 6

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

And finally reason 7

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a pedophile Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

The most famous man

One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most
Famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick
Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."
The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here And
I'll give you the $10."

As the ! Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, Since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but Business is business".

[M.D. (Quarantined)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I hope this one hasn't been taken yet. Anyhow, here it goes....

An architecht is running through a forest while being chased by a tribe of vicious cannibals. He suddenly finds himself trapped between a steep waterfall and the tribe of vicious cannibals. He says to himself, "Lord, I'm so screwed." The Lord replies, "You're not screwed yet! Pick up that rock and bash the chiefs head in with it." The architect does, thinking the tribe would let him go or be too afraid to fight. Instead they raise their spears and charge. The Lord then says, "Now you're screwed."

[MapesInmate (On Moderation)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

One day the Mother Superior had a meeting with the nuns.
"I hear that one of you went on a date last night!" she says angrily. One nun giggles while the rest gasp.
"I hear that you made love!" the Mother Superior says. The nuns gasp except for the one, who giggles harder.
"I hear that you used a condom!" says the Mother Superior. The nuns gasp louder, but the one nun giggles harder.
"I also hear that the condom had a hole in it!"
The nuns giggle, but the previously giggling nun gasps.

[BadAssButterfly (On Moderation)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

George W Bush dies and goes to hell. Satan tells him that because he was the president, he can have his choice of rooms in which to spend eternity, but once he chooses, he can't change his mind. First, he shows him a room full of imps with glowing hot pokers. W asks to see another room.
The next room is filled with mosqitoes, fleas, horseflies, and other biting insects. W asks to see the next room.
In the next room is Bill Clinton, naked, being f****ed by a beautiful young woman and moaning in ecstasy. W says this is the room he wants. Satan turns to the young woman and says "OK - you're free to go."

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

These jokes are neither clean nor Christian!!

And I believe, BABs, that Al Gore would be more appropriate than Godly GW Bush. He'll be going straight to Heaven!

[BadAssButterfly (On Moderation)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

These jokes are neither clean nor Christian!!

And I believe, BABs, that Al Gore would be more appropriate than Godly GW Bush. He'll be going straight to Heaven!

It's as clean as any of your jokes about Catholic priests and altar boys, and it's as Christian as any of your other jokes invoolvong heanven and hell. And if George Bush is godly, then God must be seriously warped.