[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, Do you know who I am?' The man replied, Yep, sure do.' Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. Don't doubt it for a minute, returned the old man, in an even tone. Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. Yep, was the calm reply. And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. Nope, said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

Why would an entire church full of believers run from satan? We have spiritual authority. Satan may cause sickness, but Christ delivered us from it. He has no power over us. So why run? Real believers would have ordered him to leave and stayed there for service. They wouldn't have run away leaving just an old man to face him.

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Not a full-on joke, but a humorous saying:
"The only gate a Mexican can't hop is a pearly one."

You can't judge whether Mexicans can get into heaven because you haven't been there yet. But they sure as hell can't jump an electric one.

To clarify, I'm not a racist and have no problems with Latinos. But I don't believe that Anyone should come to the US illegally. They(all illegals) create bias in the work, health and crime fighting systems, and the result is a devalued dollar, inflation, and desperation leading to more crime, drug use, prostitution, and a shrinking middle class. So...

Yeah... Thanks alot.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Why would an entire church full of believers run from satan? We have spiritual authority. Satan may cause sickness, but Christ delivered us from it. He has no power over us. So why run? Real believers would have ordered him to leave and stayed there for service. They wouldn't have run away leaving just an old man to face him.

Sister BTB forgot to mention that it was a Pentacostal, false Christian church.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

You can't judge whether Mexicans can get into heaven because you haven't been there yet.
Yeah... Thanks alot.

Sister, I have to issue you a stern rebuke for making such foolish, unBiblical statements.

The Holy Bible clearly states that God expects us to judge the unrighteous.

Leviticus 19:15
In righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.

1 Corinthians 2:15
But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.

1 Corinthians 5:12-13
For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.

1 Corinthians 6:2-3
Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?

Sister Thumper is clearly a True Christian™, and so she is commanded by God to judge wetbacks, queers, witches, nigras, foreigners, and those who worship false Gods.

Better go back and study your Bible. Better let a Man do your thinking from now on.

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

You twisted my statement. It wasn't BTB that posted the stupid gate joke. I said that the guy that posted the stupid joke had never been to heaven and thusly doesn't know who is there. The bible says that we know not of the dead, nor they the actions of the living. Also, I was clarifying for the trolls, that I am not a racist, and listed some of the things that illegals do to our economy and society.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

You twisted my statement. It wasn't BTB that posted the stupid gate joke. I said that the guy that posted the stupid joke had never been to heaven and thusly doesn't know who is there. The bible says that we know not of the dead, nor they the actions of the living. Also, I was clarifying for the trolls, that I am not a racist, and listed some of the things that illegals do to our economy and society.

Sister, instead of admitting your errors and repenting, you have chosen to dig your hole deeper. You're acting like some loud-mouthed feminazi false Christian, and Jesus and I are very disappointed.

First of all, it is YOUR responsibility to make clear whom you are addressing on this Godly forum. You failed to do so in this case.

It is also your Christian duty to use the KJV Holy Bible to back up any rebukes you see fit to offer. You not only failed to quote from the Good Book, but you used your own twisted false Christian logic to make your point. This is precisely why the Bible tells us that women shouldn't attempt to teach.

1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing.

I have quoted from the appropriate scripture in my post above. It is your responsibility now to accept that and issue a public apology to both Jesus and me. Any hesitation or failure to do the right thing will result in further punitive action.

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I said the guy doesn't know whether or not Mexicans are in Heaven or not because he hasn't been there. I'm sorry for any misunderstandings. But I'm innocent of what you are accusing me. I didn't feel like looking up the exact scripture. So I paraphrased. Either way, the general context of what I said was correct. 'We don't know who is or isn't in Heaven, judgment belongs to the Father, since we aren't doing the 'Heaven or Hell' judgment, he can't judge whether or not a whole group of people is going to hell based solely on their ethnicity.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I said the guy doesn't know whether or not Mexicans are in Heaven or not because he hasn't been there. I'm sorry for any misunderstandings. But I'm innocent of what you are accusing me. I didn't feel like looking up the exact scripture. So I paraphrased. Either way, the general context of what I said was correct. 'We don't know who is or isn't in Heaven, judgment belongs to the Father, since we aren't doing the 'Heaven or Hell' judgment, he can't judge whether or not a whole group of people is going to hell based solely on their ethnicity.

Your failure to offer an apology is duly noted. I'll be consulting with the other Pastors to decide your penalty.

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I said the guy doesn't know whether or not Mexicans are in Heaven or not because he hasn't been there. I'm sorry for any misunderstandings. But I'm innocent of what you are accusing me. I didn't feel like looking up the exact scripture. So I paraphrased. Either way, the general context of what I said was correct. 'We don't know who is or isn't in Heaven, judgment belongs to the Father, since we aren't doing the 'Heaven or Hell' judgment, he can't judge whether or not a whole group of people is going to hell based solely on their ethnicity.

Your failure to offer an apology is duly noted. I'll be consulting with the other Pastors to decide your penalty.

You must have missed it.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

You must have missed it.

Slip that slippery tongue back in your mouth miss serpent lover. Your attempts at sidestepping your Christian responsibility has been recorded. There is no "misunderstanding", only an "miss addle-brained blasphemous female" at work here.

You were offered an opportunity to repent and admit your wrongdoings. You have chosen to embrace feminaziism and false Christianity. No doubt next you'll ask us to call you "reverend butch" from the "divine church of self-pleasure and gaia" or some such filth.

You have decided to spit in Christ's loving face. Good luck with that path.

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I have no idea what you're talking about....

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Sister tLakota, simply swallow any response and repeat after me
"Pastor Ezekiel, I deeply regret my backsliding. I will get on my knees before you and REPENT with all due haste. I will never again question a man's (TC of course) (especially a PASTOR's) authority. I will not argue with any TC man, nor will I ever again try to wriggle and squirm my way out of any punishment forthcoming to me. I will paypal immediately as part of my reparations to the Church for committing such erroneous crimes against a TC Pastor."

[tLakota]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Sister tLakota, simply swallow any response and repeat after me
"Pastor Ezekiel, I deeply regret my backsliding. I will get on my knees before you and REPENT with all due haste. I will never again question a man's (TC of course) (especially a PASTOR's) authority. I will not argue with any TC man, nor will I ever again try to wriggle and squirm my way out of any punishment forthcoming to me. I will paypal immediately as part of my reparations to the Church for committing such erroneous crimes against a TC Pastor."

Yeah... There's a problem with that.

1) I'm not a backslider.

2) I don't see why pointing out that everyone is human, and therefore, prone to misunderstanding, can possibly be seen as a transgression in any way.

3) Given the above statement, I'm in no way am I deserving of punishment.

4) I don't tithe to this church. I tithe to my own church when I can.

5) Erroneous? In what way? The only error I see is on the other end of the stick. I'm really thinking that people are ganging up on me because he made a mistake, and you people don't believe that women are capable of common sense, decent judgment, or the ability to see a mistake and make the call. If that is the case, please ban me. Living in a country that embraces equality means that I refuse to be considered a 'lower rate' citizen due to my race and gender, and I don't have to deal with it. The only people I have to be submissive to is MY pastor, my dad, my mom, and my brother(to a certain degree).

I think that being sorry(I did apologize after all), and being a submissive sadist through the internet are 2 different things that shouldn't be expected from people you KNOW you don't know.
'On my knees?'
'Wriggle and squirm my way out of any punishment forthcoming to me?'
Not interested. I'm done. I've been nice. It's been fun. I've been living sin free. I've been making great strides in my faith and dealing with my personal problems. I don't need nor want, any of this bull.

To Ms. Justina, thanks so much for helping me in an indirect way. Yours is truly a Godly lifestyle. The way you patiently deal with the trolls, and still manage your household while being submissive to your husband is so honorable. Keep up the good work.

Jenny D, you're fun to debate with, and though we're usually both right, I love seeing that the women on this forum are more than just eye candy, but have brains too. I'll continue to pray for all the LOLs.

To OEJ, you're funny and your knowledge of the scripture is inspiring. Thanks!

To Bathfire E, I'll continue to study. Thank you for bring new sides of the scripture to light. I learned alot more deep things and hidden meaning in the scripture than I did before, and I think this has made me a better person. Thank you.

To BTB and Zeke, I know you mean well. But I can't deal with the drama, I don't do well with the drama and I never have. In any case, I hope that when you finally get married, it'll be a strong, happy, long-lasting one, filled with all the babies and joy you can handle. BTB, you're really pretty. Don't mess up too much or that won't last long, k? Continue whatever it is you're doing. You sound like quite a catch. I hope Zeke appreciates the long hours of study it takes to make perfect, golden biscuits, tender pot roast, and the ability to maintain your figure. Good luck!

Sister VOS, your story was inspiring as well. I'll do my best to live the life God wants for me. Thanks for sharing.

Dances, I'm sorry. If you ever want to talk, feel free to IM me.

Hikari, I told you this would happen at some point. Try not to hate them. The bible says hate is equated to Murder, and that holding grudges isn't good and leads to sin(hate=murder, duh)

Anyway, to the trolls. Don't be hatin'. HA! Just kidding! But really, don't hate people with different values and opinions than you. That makes you a hypocrite, looking to make fun of people while touting your beliefs and wanting them accepted. Get a life, grow some balls, or be sincere. But don't be a friggin' hypocrite, you don't look nearly as smart as you think you do.

Well, I think that's it. It's been fun! Bye!

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

anyone know any jokes?

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

They say under his beard, Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin. There is only another fist.

I knew a fellow once, back in my unsaved days, who had a cl*t*r*s under his beard. England truly is a strange and scary place sometimes.

They(all illegals) create bias in the work, health and crime fighting systems, and the result is a devalued dollar, inflation, and desperation leading to more crime, drug use, prostitution, and a shrinking middle class.

You're saying that wetbacks are turning white-collar workers into midgets? How? Is it some kind of Mary-worship voodoo or something?

I said that the guy that posted the stupid joke had never been to heaven and thusly doesn't know who is there.

It says very clearly in the Bible that idol-worshippers won't get to Heaven. Mexican'ts pray to statutes of Mary (as well as statues of Emiliano Zapata, Jennifer Lopez, Cesar Chavez, and the Taco Bell chihuahua), therefore they will not get into Heaven. Simple as that.

Dances, I'm sorry. If you ever want to talk, feel free to IM me.

Hikari, I told you this would happen at some point. Try not to hate them. The bible says hate is equated to Murder, and that holding grudges isn't good and leads to sin(hate=murder, duh)

Why would you end your farewell speech by inviting Lumpy to contact you and then trying to teach Hitoshi some garbled nonsense about the Bible? Seriously, what's wrong with you?

anyone know any jokes?

Addle-headed negresses trying to make a dignified exit are pretty funny.