As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

[Youth Pastor Marty]

As we all know, there was a huge explosion at the Barton Solvents plant near Des Moines. This is too close to home my friends. An emergency meeting was arranged between Pastors and Deacons, and we have agreed that Landover's alert level needs to be raised. Extra security guards will be posted on the perimeter of Church Campus until further notice. They are instructed to look for anything suspicious or terror related.

Any Church members who own area gas stations (you know who you are) are advised to collect any suspicious job applications and immediately report them to Church security. Another member who is a corporate employee of Iowa's Capitol Cab has arrangements to do the same. This message has been sent via email to all Church members who do not read this internet forum, and Pastor Deacon Fred will address the issue publicly on Sunday as well.

For all of our foreign affiliates, we appreciate your diligence in the war on terror worldwide. Praise God!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Just to reinforce was Youth Pastor Marty said this appears to be a potentially serious situation. Church security has for sometime been tracking the presence of foreign nationals for a while in Freehold county. With last year’s election of a Democratic governor here in Iowa the possibility that Al Quida has learned of the location of Freehold and a full scale attack can not be ruled out. Church members are strongly urged to be vigilant for the next five days.

[Marshall]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

I'll be praying for you.
I'll also have the Youth Ministry here at the WCBC make and send out terrorism survival packages for everyone at Gold level and up. Hopefully Freehold is safe but it is always wise to bank on the worst and expect miracles.

[Youth Pastor Marty]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

We have yet to devise a way to make concertina wire and tank barriers look lavish here at Landover's main gates. Despite their usefulness, it just takes away from the perfect display of God's blessings upon us. All the better to just leave those for stopping the Wiccans out in the forests I guess.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

We have yet to devise a way to make concertina wire and tank barriers look lavish here at Landover's main gates. Despite their usefulness, it just takes away from the perfect display of God's blessings upon us. All the better to just leave those for stopping the Wiccans out in the forests I guess.

Gold-plated concertina wire? Tank barriers with little diamante crosses on them? Think creatively here, people!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Fortunately we have Brother Marshall's enhanced security plant that was set up for Secretary Rice's canceled visit to Freehold. Still we may have to bite the bullet and reinforce the main gate with a dump truck, or something equally heavy as a stop gap measure. Which is really a pit since it will block the view threw the main gate of the forty foot gold statue of Jesus with the American flag trampling a donkey and some hippies underfoot.

[Youth Pastor Marty]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

How many Wiccans have been arrested tonight, Brother Bobby?

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

...Still we may have to bite the bullet and reinforce the main gate with a dump truck, or something equally heavy as a stop gap measure.

Any one of the local Landover women ought to do the trick nicely. Start with Dr. Laurie or her gay sister Peter.





Bless you, my watchman to the circumferentially challenged,
Father Mo

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

How many Wiccans have been arrested tonight, Brother Bobby?

At last count about nine, but the night is young yet. Traditionally midnight is the worst. They get threw with what ever disgusting ceremony they do in the woods and then we get them just running at the wall all "sky clad", screaming for Christian souls to eat and projectile vomiting blood. Praise Jesus most of them are so out of shape they're hyperventilating before they get a hundred yards.

Anyone heard anything about that rumor that Dennis Kucinich is in Iowa this year? I think it could really be bad tonight if this is so.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

How many Wiccans have been arrested tonight, Brother Bobby?

Oh....Were we supposed to arrest them?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Well obvious enough things went well enough last night. We bagged about twenty wickers total (arrested, recovered, confirmed kills) and found blood trails for about thirty more. Until the Mexicans get the south fence cleaned up I recommend the more sensitive brethren stay indoors.

Sister Mary Maria, you should have seen you husband last night. Oh boy was he on fire for Jesus with that baseball bat of his.

Other news was we only had twenty three cases of spontaneous demonic possession last night along with only seven cases of demon driven rape, fourteen cases of demon driven assault, and eighteen cases of demon driven arson here in Freehold last night. All numbers were half what they were last year. So it looks like the Pastor Surge worked which is good news for all True Christians™.

[Brother Lindh]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Well obvious enough things went well enough last night. We bagged about twenty wickers total (arrested, recovered, confirmed kills) and found blood trails for about thirty more. Until the Mexicans get the south fence cleaned up I recommend the more sensitive brethren stay indoors.

Sister Mary Maria, you should have seen you husband last night. Oh boy was he on fire for Jesus with that baseball bat of his.

Other news was we only had twenty three cases of spontaneous demonic possession last night along with only seven cases of demon driven rape, fourteen cases of demon driven assault, and eighteen cases of demon driven arson here in Freehold last night. All numbers were half what they were last year. So it looks like the Pastor Surge worked which is good news for all True Christians™.

Uh, well, Bobby-Joe and Godly pastors, it's a good thing to blame the wiccans as they deserve it anyway, but, uh, as you know, my camel riding days are, uh, behind me (Praise Jesus I'm saved) but, uh, I still sometimes get
the urge to, you know, uh, it's a semtex kind of thing, and it's possible, that in the spirit (Praise the Lord) I may have set off that, uh, inadvertently, well.. Praise Jesus! As I say, it's a good thing the wiccans got what they deserved anyway.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Uh, well, Bobby-Joe and Godly pastors, it's a good thing to blame the wiccans as they deserve it anyway, but, uh, as you know, my camel riding days are, uh, behind me (Praise Jesus I'm saved) but, uh, I still sometimes get
the urge to, you know, uh, it's a semtex kind of thing, and it's possible, that in the spirit (Praise the Lord) I may have set off that, uh, inadvertently, well.. Praise Jesus! As I say, it's a good thing the wiccans got what they deserved anyway.

Buddy, you about as Saved as my cocker spaniel. While it is commendable that you have renounced your support of Osama Barrack bin Laden, you still have a loooooong way to go before you can even dream about being Saved©.

This first step is to start studying the Holy Bible. Also we are still awaiting your generous Love Offering. That shiny Paypal button awaits your touch.

[Brother Lindh]

Re: As Per Yesterday's Terrorist Attack

Buddy, you about as Saved as my cocker spaniel. While it is commendable that you have renounced your support of Osama Barrack bin Laden, you still have a loooooong way to go before you can even dream about being Saved©.

This first step is to start studying the Holy Bible. Also we are still awaiting your generous Love Offering. That shiny Paypal button awaits your touch.

Well for Christ's sake, Godly Pastor Ezekiel, just how many Landover bumper stickers and Jesus thongs do I have to order on the Godly Paypal button to get officially saved? Also, I now only watch GodTube instead of Utube, which is full of porn. I admit that I occasionally explode something up, but never down.
Praise the Holy Ghost!