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  • Pastor Ezekiel
    Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
     
    • Sep 2006
    • 78552

    #1

    Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

    Brothers and sisters I'm going to throw you all a curveball here, but we've got to move fast if we're going to get in on THIS action! How often do we get a chance to be the first Christians to meet a tribe of filthy, untouched savage jungle nigras and bring them the Holy Word of God!?

    Existence of Uncontacted Amazon Tribe Confirmed

    Brazilian officials have confirmed the existence of approximately 200 Indians who live in the western Amazon with no contact with the outside world.

    This uncontacted tribe is not "lost" or unknown, according to tribal advocacy group Survival International. In fact, about 2,000 uncontacted Indians are suspected to live in the Javari Valley where the tribe's homes were seen from the air. But confirming the tribe's existence enables government authorities to monitor the area and protect the tribe's way of life.

    In 2008, Survival International released photos of another uncontacted tribe near the Brazil-Peru border. The striking images revealed men aiming arrows skyward at the plane photographing them. Uncontacted Indian groups are aware of the outside world, a Survival International spokesperson told LiveScience at the time. But they chose to live apart, maintaining a traditional lifestyle deep in the Amazon forest. The latest images reveal that the newly confirmed tribe grows corn, peanuts, bananas and other crops.

    Because the tribes are so isolated, contact with the outside world can be deadly. Survival International's website, http://www.uncontactedtribes.org/, tells the story of the uncontacted Zo'e tribe. When missionaries contacted the tribe in 1987, 45 Indians died of common diseases that they had never encountered and thus had no tolerance for, including the flu. In Peru, half of the previously uncontacted Nahua tribe died of disease after oil exploration began on their land in the 1980s.

    Nearby oil exploration in Peru also threatens the newly confirmed tribe, Fabricio Amorim of Brazil's Indian Affairs Department said in a statement.

    "Among the main threats to the well-being of these groups are illegal fishing, hunting, logging, mining, cattle ranching, missionary actions … and drug trafficking," Amorim said.
    I need the Landover Baptist cargo plane fueled up and loaded with guns, liquor and Bibles and I mean NOW!
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
  • Cranky Old Man
    Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
    You kids get off his lawn!
     
    • Jan 2010
    • 22354

    #2
    Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

    I wonder if they would be capable of reading those Bibles. I think on top of those Bibles we need to introduce The Shopping Channel to those natives.

    For starters it would prompt them to buy televisions to be able to watch The Shopping Channel. Then they would learn English which would enable them to read those Bibles and get saved. It would also stimulate them to buy American products like Hummer, Coca Cola and McDonalds. This will boost their immune systems so they will no longer die of the flu. It will also change them from skinny bushmen into fat couch potatoes opening the market for expensive American diet products.

    I always get a warm and fuzzy feeling when Jesus asks us to bring civilization to poor natives!

    And in case they don't have money to pay for all that, I hear they have no regulations whatsoever, so they would be an ideal spot to dump chemical and nuclear waste at bargain prices. They would also be the ideal test location for our military industry. They have no registration of how many people are living there so accidents would not be a big problem. I heard they don't even have lawyers there!

    And we really need to hurry before the Chinese start targeting them with the same nonsense they did in Africa. As if natives would have a need for growing their own food and building hospitals. Ridiculous.
    5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
    To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
    James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

    Comment

    • HTannor
      America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
      True Christian™
      • Jun 2009
      • 2612

      #3
      Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

      Sadly, I cannot come along because I have a trial beginning tomorrow and it will run a number of weeks.

      However, Brother Zeke, I would like to add some items to the cargo manifest:

      - for the children who can't handle alcohol, I would like to send along ten cases of Almond Joy candy bars to boost their undoubtedly low blood sugar levels.

      - for the teenaged girls, four cases of tampons so they can become more environmentally friendly and stop making messes in the jungle.

      - for the teenaged boys, my entire collection of National Geographic magazine so they can see how the world has evolved since the mid 50's.

      - for the adult women, five cases of Hamburger Helper and a year's supply of Heinz ketchup.

      - for the the adult men, simplified blueprints showing them how to construct menstrual shacks for their wives and some uranium depleted darts for their blowguns.

      - for the entire tribe, $1000 in McDonald's gift certificates.

      Don't thank me, it's the least I can do for unsaved savages.
      The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

      "Credo elvem etiam vivere"

      Comment

      • James Hutchins
        True Christian™
        Just a Regular Nice Guy
         
        • Jun 2009
        • 29443

        #4
        Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

        Oh, just savages. I thought the prized 200 YO trees I have been having harvested for my walk in humidor were confiscated.
        I'll mail a check, $10.00 ok? Though it might be good to go on trip to cure the heathens of their savage ways. Are there both male and female savages? Should I bring shiny pop top tabs again?
        Mrs. Hutchins wants me to bring lots of antibiotics and disinfectant.
        Last edited by James Hutchins; 06-27-2011, 12:11 AM.
        Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
        Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
        Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
        Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
        Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
        Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

        Comment

        • Faith_Machine
          Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
          True Christian™
          • Mar 2011
          • 10049

          #5
          Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

          You should probably bring a digital camera so you can take their picture and then show it to them and give them a good scare, as their simple savage minds will, upon seeing their own images, assume you've stolen their souls.

          Once you're done having a good chuckle, you can tell them how Satan is working around the clock to get their souls out of the digital camera and keep them for himself, and the only protection is believing in Jesus Christ!

          WARNING:
          In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
          REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

          Comment

          • Billy Bob Jenkins
            Family Man of the Year 2010-2013
            About as Straight and Manly as you can get
            Hates anal sex. And trees.
            True Christian™
            • May 2010
            • 8337

            #6
            Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

            Since rape is the customary form of procreation among uncivilized peoples, I thought we should supply the women with anti-rape devices. This will help reduce the indigenous population, thus freeing the land up for deforestation, and in the long run reducing the population of Hell.
            The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

            Comment

            • John Creeser
              Warning: In case of Rapture, this account will be unmanned.
               
              • Aug 2009
              • 7248

              #7
              Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

              Wow you guys are so generous. I talked to my sons little league coach and managed to get enough baseball equipment donated to start a team!! Will you be flying down one the of the LBC Excavators? You'll need it to clear out an area for the baseball diamond (I even managed to get a case of chewing tobacco).
              -Every young man's battle - PORN AND MASTURBATION![/SIZE]
              -DISOWN your ATHEIST children - just like this good mother did!!

              -FINALLY!! Some rights for the rapists!!
              -There is no such thing as animal abuse!!
              -Pregnancy through RAPE is a GIFT from God
              -Keep the Fags out of the Boy Scouts!!
              -WIVES!! Stay in your abusive relationship!

              STOP, DROP & ROLL DOESN'T WORK IN HELL!!!!


              Comment

              • Pastor Ezekiel
                Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                 
                • Sep 2006
                • 78552

                #8
                Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                Which one of you generous folks sent the 12 crates of Wheaties(c)? I don't even know if they've got milk!
                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • Daisy Mae Johnson
                  The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
                  Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
                  aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
                  True Christian™
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 15708

                  #9
                  Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                  I've sent 200 boxes of Loreal Blonde Bleach, 200 bottles of shampoo, 200 bottles of conditioner, 150 blow dryers, 150 curling irons, 150 make up sets with eye shadow, blush and assorted lip glosses. 100 bottles of red and pink nail polish, 50 bottles of nail polish remover, toe nail clippers, 200 bottles of hair spray and 80 kits of Colgate teeth whitener, 50 bras and 100 pairs of modest under wear, 50 bottle of Paris Hilton cologne and several sets of Paris Hilton clip on hair extensions and pony tails in a wide array of colors and styles and ten boxes of "I the USA and JESUS Saves" T-Shirts is assorted sizes.

                  They need some cleaning up. They look like wild savages.

                  Thoughtful , Sister Thumper
                  sigpic

                  Tweet me Here
                  My GODLY Bio Here

                  Comment

                  • Yt Pst. Fox Iqalquuq
                    Unsaved trash, rabid eskimo savage
                    Under Investigation
                    • Oct 2010
                    • 20

                    #10
                    Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                    I would offer my service but I'm helping run a school here for the Copper-now-Christian brethren so I have my hands busy. But I'm sure you Americans will have much better luck than I will. God bless those who go and do God's work!

                    Comment

                    • Zechariah Smyth
                      Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
                      True Christian™
                      • Feb 2011
                      • 15251

                      #11
                      Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                      They have 16 cases of microwave popcorn coming from my way.

                      Yours in Christ,

                      Z. Smyth
                      Posted via Mobile Device
                      sigpic

                      Comment

                      • Jack O'fagan
                        With faith as immovable as the Earth
                        True Christian™
                        • Feb 2011
                        • 4836

                        #12
                        Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                        I think the most important thing is to let them know about Jesus. As the way is narrow maybe only one or two will get to heaven. All the rest will burn in hell forever for not coming up to His standard. It's very important that we make these destinations available to them.

                        YiC

                        Jack
                        Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

                        sigpic

                        I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.

                        Comment

                        • Faith_Machine
                          Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                          True Christian™
                          • Mar 2011
                          • 10049

                          #13
                          Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                          At some point, after those savages have established lines of credit, they're going to need to take out home loans and live in houses with bathrooms.

                          Given that they've spent their entire heathen lives squatting in the fields like animals, I suggest you bring along instructional videos like this one:

                          WARNING:
                          In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                          REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                          Comment

                          • Johny Joe Hold
                            Mayor of Freehold
                             
                            • Feb 2010
                            • 12375

                            #14
                            Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                            It hurts a little to send these, but they're boxed up and headed to the airport: My entire collection of Anita Bryant albums. I think there are 24 of them.

                            God bless you, Pastor Zeke, for saving the souls of the savages.
                            Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

                            Comment

                            • wait_what
                              Forum Member
                              Forum Member
                              • Mar 2011
                              • 592

                              #15
                              Re: Emergency Mission to Save Amazon Tribe!

                              I would like to add to the donations:

                              200 HP laptops
                              1000 Ipod Nanos
                              20,000 Sea Monkey Sets
                              150 Norelco electric razors
                              10 Emergency Defibrilators
                              6,000 IU of insulin solution
                              6,000 IU of testosterone cypionate
                              10,000 IU of Botox
                              6,000 IU of IGF-6 and IGF-9
                              20,000 doses of Swine flu, polio, and Smallpox vaccine (attenuated but live)
                              To help them stay more focused
                              20,000 doses of Ritalin or Adderol whichever I can get my hands on first.
                              To help them with their pot bellies
                              20,000 doses of Phentermine and the same again for Diethylpropion
                              In case of injury I would like to add in 10,000 doses of Oxycodone and 10,000 methotrexate patches.

                              Let's not forget
                              10,000 pickaxes
                              20,000 shovels
                              20,000 gold pans
                              Steel rails and mine carts
                              I will be sending a geologist and a couple of foremen along as well.
                              If preliminary exploration goes well, I will even get those heathen some jobs.
                              The best way to turn a dishwasher into a snowblower. . . . .
                              Give her a shovel.
                              Proverbs 5:19 A husband's commandment! And wives must comply.
                              19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

                              Comment

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