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I’ve been down to the old-folk’s home again at Methuselah Towers. I often go to help out the seniors there. Someone (I’ll name no names but you’ll know who she is if you’ve been there. She looks 15 going on 45 and no wonder she’s a spinster) said that “God Willing and the creek don’t rise, I’d be living there soon.” The woman’s an idiot.
Anyway, they started me off helping with the meals. There are some sinners amongst those they take in. You can tell that because many smell of stale urine and drool or suddenly get agitated for no reason or they speak as if they’d had a quart of whiskey. They must be thieves and the like or weak in faith such that demons have possessed them. I say that as they have to have enough money to live there.
After I’d handed the mush out, I was apparently required to stuff it in their faces. Dear Lord, this is a thankless task. I’m sure they’re all thin because they only get half of it; the other half goes down their shirt or dress. But God is good to let them live so long.
Then they wanted me to clean up. It was at this point, when I was wiping their faces over with a wet sponge, that I realised that I could be of genuine help. When I pushed the sponge into their face, some screamed, some said nothing but pulled away. Here it was! Some of the folks were blind, deaf and dumb (well, not actually dumb – as I said they sort of made sheep like noises.)
Now, I recalled
M'r:7:32: And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech; and they beseech him to put his hand upon him.
M'r:7:33: And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue;
M'r:7:34: And looking up to heaven, he sighed, and saith unto him, Ephphatha, that is, Be opened.
M'r:7:35: And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain.
So, I selected this old timer, who seemed near to My God than I, and stuck my fingers in his ears and spat in his face, then I stuck my finger in his mouth. Well, what a fuss! He starts straightway hollerin’ before even I could get “Ephphatha” out. I couldn’t tell what he was saying, so I poked my finger in his mouth further but all he did was vomit. It must be the demons coming up. Give it time, and he’ll speak properly.
Next, I crept up to a few and pretended I was going to hit them. When they didn’t call out, it was a sign they were blind. Yes, I know, you’re ahead of me here, I had thought of
M'r:8:23: And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
M'r:8:24: And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.
M'r:8:25: After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.
So there was the wizened lady whose face looked like a 3D map of Norwegian fjords (“Too much time in Florida”, I thought), I took her by the hand and led her out into the street. She was like, “Where are we going?” and “Who are you?” but this was for her own good, so I just pulled her out.
Once outside, I coughed up as much as I could and let her have it in the eyes. Far from seeing trees walking, the wretched woman screamed and was calling for the police. She then ran off but went into one of those bushes on the front lawn. Perhaps she thought is was a short fat person and she was going to proclaim the miracle?
Well, all this is pretty exhausting, so I made my way home. On the way, I saw Brother Nobar and told him about all this. He thought that perhaps I had pronounced “Ephphatha” wrongly and the trouble with the blind woman was that (a) she ran off and (b) I didn’t take her out of town, otherwise there is no reason why the miracles of healing should not have worked.
Has anyone else had trouble with miracles?
Anyway, they started me off helping with the meals. There are some sinners amongst those they take in. You can tell that because many smell of stale urine and drool or suddenly get agitated for no reason or they speak as if they’d had a quart of whiskey. They must be thieves and the like or weak in faith such that demons have possessed them. I say that as they have to have enough money to live there.
After I’d handed the mush out, I was apparently required to stuff it in their faces. Dear Lord, this is a thankless task. I’m sure they’re all thin because they only get half of it; the other half goes down their shirt or dress. But God is good to let them live so long.
Then they wanted me to clean up. It was at this point, when I was wiping their faces over with a wet sponge, that I realised that I could be of genuine help. When I pushed the sponge into their face, some screamed, some said nothing but pulled away. Here it was! Some of the folks were blind, deaf and dumb (well, not actually dumb – as I said they sort of made sheep like noises.)
Now, I recalled
M'r:7:32: And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech; and they beseech him to put his hand upon him.
M'r:7:33: And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue;
M'r:7:34: And looking up to heaven, he sighed, and saith unto him, Ephphatha, that is, Be opened.
M'r:7:35: And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain.
So, I selected this old timer, who seemed near to My God than I, and stuck my fingers in his ears and spat in his face, then I stuck my finger in his mouth. Well, what a fuss! He starts straightway hollerin’ before even I could get “Ephphatha” out. I couldn’t tell what he was saying, so I poked my finger in his mouth further but all he did was vomit. It must be the demons coming up. Give it time, and he’ll speak properly.
Next, I crept up to a few and pretended I was going to hit them. When they didn’t call out, it was a sign they were blind. Yes, I know, you’re ahead of me here, I had thought of
M'r:8:23: And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
M'r:8:24: And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.
M'r:8:25: After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.
So there was the wizened lady whose face looked like a 3D map of Norwegian fjords (“Too much time in Florida”, I thought), I took her by the hand and led her out into the street. She was like, “Where are we going?” and “Who are you?” but this was for her own good, so I just pulled her out.
Once outside, I coughed up as much as I could and let her have it in the eyes. Far from seeing trees walking, the wretched woman screamed and was calling for the police. She then ran off but went into one of those bushes on the front lawn. Perhaps she thought is was a short fat person and she was going to proclaim the miracle?
Well, all this is pretty exhausting, so I made my way home. On the way, I saw Brother Nobar and told him about all this. He thought that perhaps I had pronounced “Ephphatha” wrongly and the trouble with the blind woman was that (a) she ran off and (b) I didn’t take her out of town, otherwise there is no reason why the miracles of healing should not have worked.
Has anyone else had trouble with miracles?
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