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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
DancesWithoutJoy
DancesWithoutJoy
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Author of such illuminating essays as,
“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs. -
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
Amen, Brother, Amen.Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
A more tedious eternity I could not imagine.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
Yes, but they'll be baked into his Christmas pudding.Originally posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
I'm sure her Hubby thinks so too.
I wonder, when he gets tossed in Hell will Satan give him his "stones" back?O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
- Catholic perversion throughout history
- Does it matter how we praise the Lord?
- How the King James Bible Saved me from anal sex!
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.Comment
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
You always have a mosquito flying between your eyes.Bringing Geology back to Christ!
I believe Dr. Hovind to be completely innocent of the alleged crime of "tax evasion", and furthermore believe Hovind's 10 year sentence to be patently unjust and based upon an effort to silence his ministry.
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
Never being allowed to clip your toenails. Ever.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
They tell you on the first day that you'll get used to the smell. You never do.
ALL pants in Hell make your ass look big.
Busy signals! No one in Hell has call waiting.
Every roll of tape is almost gone, no matter how new it is.
Acid Rain Forests.
The coffee is terrible, like 3:00 in the afternoon at a tire store terrible.
ALL the toll booths are FasTrak/EasyPass, but it's impossible to get those little plastic things that go on your dash.
Bananas go from bright green to black without turning yellow.
There's a barely audible, high-pitched buzzing all the time, and nobody can figure out where it's coming from.sigpic
Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!Comment
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
everyone got spinach in thier teeths an big boogers danglin outta thier noses where folk can see
. but it be no good to picks your teeths or noses cuz the spinach an boogers reappears again in abouts 2 seconds 
. i thinks this will be lord Gods revenges 
on all them environmentil folk lord God say "you wanteds a green planet? here be your greens!" 
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
Nights in hell are hot, too:
- The windows are all painted shut.
- If you could open them, the breeze would be hot, anyway.
- You always wake up drenched in sweat.
- What good is a hot tub in hell? "Let's get hotter!" NOT!
- Lighting cigarettes is easy, but they burn really hot.
- Nightclubs in hell are REALLY crowded even if you can get in.
- The celluloid in the movie always burns up, but they never refund you your money.
- Popcorn is too easy to make, so it smells like burned popcorn EVERYWHERE.
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
- Shows never start on the hour, so your VCR always misses the first few minutes, or more importantly, the ending.
- It rains a lot, but it's always acid rain. Your Dr. Martens' boots say 'acid resistant', but not that much acid!
- Half of the people in hell live in mobile homes, and it seems like they all live on your street.
- Too many crows (they're really big, and they're really noisy).
- Paint dries too fast.
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
You get a regular assignment to photocopy a multipage document to a deadline,
(i) All recipients (there are never less than 20) receive a different number of annexes.
(ii) If you use duplex, the photocopier randomly drags through 2 pages together
(iii) The photocopier randomly runs out of toner
(iv) Jammed paper is always at the most inaccessible part
(v) Pulling out jammed paper always leaves little bits that you don’t notice first time and it jams again.
(vi) Odd pages come out at in very large or microscopic print
(vii) You touch a button that reconfigures something and you can’t get back to normal.
(viii) The paper tray holds fewer sheets than you need.sigpic
Author of such illuminating essays as,
“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.Comment
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
- Vinyl on the car seat is always really hot, and you always wear shorts.
- Lawn care is next to impossible. Plus, the high cost of water and rapid evaporation adds to the expense. Watering at night attracts ants.
- Always feels like having a hair dryer jammed up your nose. Bloody noses are so common that the rate of blindness has jumped due to so many people walking around with their heads back to stop the bleeding and accidentally looking into the sun.
- When you go to the dentist, their novocaine is really weak, like they import it from Cuba, or somewhere. That either means lots of shots, or your dental work hurts.
- Wax candles are no longer available. They melt too fast.
- Oil lamps are now very popular: lots of soot on the ceiling, and you always have to worry about the neighbor burning the house down.
- Firetrucks are always late and don't carry any water.
- That's why they're called firetrucks.
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Re: The Minor Torments of Hell
- Everybody has the dumbest questions to ask, and they all ask you.
- Any time anything breaks down or doesn't work properly in any way, you're expected to fix it.
- When you have a question to ask, especially if it's not a stupid one, you have to fill out tonnes of paperwork, send it in to god only knows where, and then wait weeks for a response telling you that you've filled out the wrong paperwork and must complete the process again.
- When something of yours breaks down or doesn't work properly there's never anyone around who can fix it.
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