The Minor Torments of Hell

[Born Again Bob]

Dear Friends,

Hell has torments large and small. Naturally, we focus on the big ones in trying to prod sinners into a Christian life: fire, darkness, anal rape. But if they start to tune those out, it may serve to remind them of the minor torments of hell.

* You will have to wear a name tag for Eternity, even after everyone knows your name
* Is there key lime pie in hell? Oh, yes...warm key lime pie!
* Daily, compulsory hokey-pokey dancing
* Hell's reading selection: SkyMall magazine and a New York Post from April 14, 1982
* Despite assurances, the names of your movies do appear on your hotel bill
* Billboards everywhere ask, "Hot enough for ya?" and proclaim, "It is what it is."
* Everyone's in bicycle shorts and cut-offs.... everyone
* WebTV is only means of accessing the Internet
* You will have to give periodic, detailed feedback to Hell's Six Sigma Team, devoted to quality control and improvement of the customer experience

Yours in Him,
bab

[Nobar King]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• There are ants everywhere.
  
• While you might get a WebTV for browsing the internet, the keyboard will be a Mexican one, with some of the keys reassigned, but still with the American labels.
  
• Every year for Xmas you get an Xbox, but it always shows the RROD.
  
• The beer is always warm, and never stronger than 3.2.
  
• Everyone smokes except you. They always ask you for a cigarette or a lighter, even though you're the only one not smoking.
  
• Lines (queues) are REALLY long. Sometimes it seems like you stand in them forever.
  
• In Hell you get a bicycle, but the chain always falls off because it's too loose. The brakes are never calibrated properly and they squeek loudly when you stop. All the bikes are girl bikes.
  
• There's no telemarketing opt-out plan in hell.
  
• Constant dry nose from all the sulphur. (lots of nosebleeds).
  
• The meteorologists are always wrong. It's always hotter than they forcast, and it never rains. Plus, meteors keep hitting, and they never forcast them.
  
• Uncle Ben's rice isn't enriched.
  
• People there complain all the time about the little things that make hell hellish.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

You are forced to eat lukewarm fishguts.

[Ali al-Rashid]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

The only refreshment is blood and muck.

[LyingDingDong]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

Dear Friends,

* You will have to wear a name tag for Eternity, even after everyone knows your name
* Is there key lime pie in hell? Oh, yes...warm key lime pie!
* Daily, compulsory hokey-pokey dancing
* Hell's reading selection: SkyMall magazine and a New York Post from April 14, 1982
* Despite assurances, the names of your movies do appear on your hotel bill
* Billboards everywhere ask, "Hot enough for ya?" and proclaim, "It is what it is."
* Everyone's in bicycle shorts and cut-offs.... everyone
* WebTV is only means of accessing the Internet
* You will have to give periodic, detailed feedback to Hell's Six Sigma Team, devoted to quality control and improvement of the customer experience

Yours in Him,
bab

That was funny. If that's my fate, then oh God, I've made a terrible mistake.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

That was funny. If that's my fate, then oh God, I've made a terrible mistake.

Of course it's your fate! But you can change that you know. Drop to your knees and repent!

[Nobar King]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

Due to the extreme heat in hell:

• Cereal gets soggy fast.
• You need to eat your ice cream really fast, and you know how much those headaches hurt.
• The pizza is always burned.
• Your air conditioner runs, but it never gets any cooler. And it makes a lot of noise.
• Sunspots are terrible for cell reception.
• The only antiperspirant available is those stupid crystals that don't work.
• You're the only one with a pool, and your neighbors always want to come over to swim.

[Born Again Bob]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

Dear Friends,

In Hell:

* They give you an Olive Garden-style beeper that will light up when it's time to go to Heaven....except yours never seems to go off
* Your phone number is one digit off from Horny Harry's All-Night Zoo Crew call-in
* No matter how you program it, TiVo fills up with Mama's Family
* If you left any unpaid credit card balances at your death, you need to work them off...
* ...after viewing a preachy Powerpoint presentation entitled "Credit Cards and You: A Partnership of Trust"
* Paul Harvey's broadcasts always end with the same twist... "but it turned out he was burning in Hell."

And now you know...the rest of the story.

Yours in Him,
bab

[Nobar King]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• It's tough to keep wax on skis when you're going down a mountain of burning sulphur.
• The vertical hold (VH) knob on your TV is REALLY sensitive.
• The plastic cups at the bars in hell are cheap and always cut your lip.
• Dental floss frays really easily.
• The only restaurant ever open is Taco Hell:
• and they only stock the spicy salsa packets.

[Nobar King]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• It seems like there are more foreigners all the time.
• Crime rates keep rising.
• The cost of everything keeps going up except the value of your money.
• The street sweeper comes EVERY DAY.
• Toothless zombies everywhere.
• Saddam begging for change.
• Tide doesn't make whites whiter.
• Insomnia? You'll be lucky go get any sleep.
• No salted pretzels.
• The price of gas is REALLY high.
• Suicide doesn't work this time.
• Black clothes always fade the first time you wash them.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• Anything you buy today will be on sale at ½ price tomorrow.
• All items break 2 days out of warranty
• Phone calls always end in 9 options with 9 sub-options and then the connection’s cut
• Customer care promises you everything but never gets round to doing anything.
• The idiot driving in front never makes more than 20mph and has had his left turn signal on for the past 5 miles.
• The only people you ever meet when asking directions are foreigners
• Your neighbour is an insomniac with a love of Heavy Metal.
• Your thumb nail is broken and you always catch it on that loose stitch in your pocket

[Nobar King]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• Frizzy hair.
• Carrying lead coins around for money is really heavy.
• The cost of dog collars and dog food is 3X.
• Your neighbors have dogs. Do they ever. It's like living in a kennel.
• Constant blackouts reset VCR clock; favorite show never recorded.
• Forget buying toys for the kids; they melt.
• Besides being vinegary, wine always has cork in it.
• That damn dust gets EVERYWHERE. And I do mean EVERYWHERE.
• Your team always looses the NCAA tournament by 1 pt.
• The mustard is REALLY spicy.
• Your vacuum says HEPA filter, but it seems like more dust goes out than goes in.
• Keep paying for Costco membership even though too poor to buy 4lbs of bacon.
• Paper is a lot sharper.

[Offcr. Albert Martin]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

Yes, now you LBCers know exactly what you'll be going through unless you repent of your hateful ways! (It'll be extra-cool for you in heaven if you join Jesus' true church-the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic one, that is!)

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

• There are lots of parties in hell — office holiday parties, that is.
• All businesses have sent their employees to lessons in efficiency and courtesy provided by the District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles.
• Network sitcoms are ... well, actually, that isn't a change from this life.
• The only radio stations with reception in hell are a seventies retro station and a PBS station that is always having a fundraiser.
• Web developers always make good on their promise of a content- and feature-rich Web experience. The top speed for modems is 2400 baud.

[Born Again Bob]

Re: The Minor Torments of Hell

Dear Friends,

In Hell, everyone is selling Amway.

Yours in Him,
bab