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As a Pastor I am often asked, “What is the Christian response to cold callers on the phone?”
The situation is that you are usually deeply in contemplative prayer, perhaps explaining to God how a massive sex scandal in the Democrat party would help the country towards a Christian theocracy, when the phone rings.
Disturbed, and having to apologize to God for the interruption, you answer the phone and, in a tone displaying your anger, say, “Yes?”
The voice at the other end then starts up with, “Hi, I’m calling from <insert inaudible company name>. Can I speak with Mr Bathfire?”
To which you may reply, “No, he’s not in, and even if he were, he wouldn’t want to speak to you.” (It’s fine to lie in these situations; the truth is that if you had not been in, then you would not have returned home just to hear this idiot speaking about some scam.)
The speaker often ignores whatever you say and then, following his script will say, “Would you like to save 3 million percent on your heating costs?”
Now my response goes one of three ways. I either
(i) express surprise and disbelief at the amount to be saved, particularly as he has no idea how much it costs to heat a 18 bedroomed house, or I say,
(ii) “No, I want my heating costs to rise – I have too much money and my good-for-nothing children will only be fighting over my estate when I die. Have you any idea what problems being immensely rich brings with it? Do you? I mean, really, do you?”
Of course, they don’t. Otherwise they would not be stuck for 10 hours a day in some God-forsaken call center trotting out the same script a thousand times a day for less than the minimum wage, they’d be out there demonstrating the American Way by being a Banker or Lawyer or Accountant and spreading the Word of the Lord by example. But then, as Jesus said, “The poor are always with us.” And you get the life you deserve and if calling strangers is allocated as your lot in life, so be it – perhaps you are being punished for your sins.
(iii) Or I see it as God’s way of telling me that there is work to be done in this vale of tears and I respond with, “You cannot serve God and Mammon son! Have you given much thought to the Life Hereafter and your personal relationship with Jesus?”
Mind you, I blame the companies that employ these people. They only do it to push some garbage that no self-respecting retailer would have in stock and no person would ever buy.
Mrs Bathfire did once buy a set of plates commemorating the abolition of slavery off one of these callers. I was outraged but when they came, I saw that they were filled with pictures of Darkies having the Protestant Work Ethic beaten into them and my anger abated. (Don’t tell Mrs B but I broke the last two as one showed plantation owners being illegally deprived of their property and the other showed all the Darkies drunk and leaving to join the Welfare lines.)
I hope this has helped. If any of you have any advice – please pass it on.
The situation is that you are usually deeply in contemplative prayer, perhaps explaining to God how a massive sex scandal in the Democrat party would help the country towards a Christian theocracy, when the phone rings.
Disturbed, and having to apologize to God for the interruption, you answer the phone and, in a tone displaying your anger, say, “Yes?”
The voice at the other end then starts up with, “Hi, I’m calling from <insert inaudible company name>. Can I speak with Mr Bathfire?”
To which you may reply, “No, he’s not in, and even if he were, he wouldn’t want to speak to you.” (It’s fine to lie in these situations; the truth is that if you had not been in, then you would not have returned home just to hear this idiot speaking about some scam.)
The speaker often ignores whatever you say and then, following his script will say, “Would you like to save 3 million percent on your heating costs?”
Now my response goes one of three ways. I either
(i) express surprise and disbelief at the amount to be saved, particularly as he has no idea how much it costs to heat a 18 bedroomed house, or I say,
(ii) “No, I want my heating costs to rise – I have too much money and my good-for-nothing children will only be fighting over my estate when I die. Have you any idea what problems being immensely rich brings with it? Do you? I mean, really, do you?”
Of course, they don’t. Otherwise they would not be stuck for 10 hours a day in some God-forsaken call center trotting out the same script a thousand times a day for less than the minimum wage, they’d be out there demonstrating the American Way by being a Banker or Lawyer or Accountant and spreading the Word of the Lord by example. But then, as Jesus said, “The poor are always with us.” And you get the life you deserve and if calling strangers is allocated as your lot in life, so be it – perhaps you are being punished for your sins.
(iii) Or I see it as God’s way of telling me that there is work to be done in this vale of tears and I respond with, “You cannot serve God and Mammon son! Have you given much thought to the Life Hereafter and your personal relationship with Jesus?”
Mind you, I blame the companies that employ these people. They only do it to push some garbage that no self-respecting retailer would have in stock and no person would ever buy.
Mrs Bathfire did once buy a set of plates commemorating the abolition of slavery off one of these callers. I was outraged but when they came, I saw that they were filled with pictures of Darkies having the Protestant Work Ethic beaten into them and my anger abated. (Don’t tell Mrs B but I broke the last two as one showed plantation owners being illegally deprived of their property and the other showed all the Darkies drunk and leaving to join the Welfare lines.)
I hope this has helped. If any of you have any advice – please pass it on.
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