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Many of our fellow Republicans are downcast, having already surrendered the election this November. Well, I'm here to tell you that they're dead wrong. We're going to win, and win big. President Trump will be re-elected in a landslide, and we'll control both houses of Congress. This is how we're going to do it:
1) Better nicknames and slogans. Nothing wins elections like inventing nasty names to call you opponent and dime store slogans. Remember Crooked Hillary? Remember Lock Her Up? Those won the White House for President Trump. Now, Sleepy Joe and Corrupt Joe aren't bad, but they don't really get at the heart of the matter. How about some hard-hitting slogans like Commie Joe and Negro-Lover Joe to show what a stark contrast this election presents?
2) Restore law and order. Our country right now is basically one big black lives matter riot. That has to stop. What do we as Republicans do best? That's right, we protect each other from the threat posed by minorities and foreigners! So let's stop pussy-footing, forget the National Guard, and send the US Marines in to clean out the trash in our major cities, supported by air-dropped tear gas.
3) Protect our polling places. Speaking of marines, we need to arrange to send them in to patrol polling places in minority districts in the November election. This will ensure that Antifa terrorists will not disrupt the voting. They can also help check everyone's ID.
4) Stop the mail-in ballot nonsense. President Trump should fire the Postmaster General and replace him with a loyalist who will make sure that mail-in ballots do not reach county election commissions. It may seem like a drastic measure, but how else can we protect ourselves from Ukrainian and Chinese meddling in the election. Democracy is at stake here!
5) Defend our heritage. Why are there no national holidays celebrating the important accomplishments of Confederate leaders? The President needs to issue a proclamation renaming Martin Luther King day as Jefferson Davis day. This will shore up our support in Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, and Georgia. Plus, it's the right thing to do. We should also issue a new line of stamps featuring the Confederate flag.
6) Focus on freedom. Democrats want to take your freedom away, so this is a big vote winner for us. That's why they want to force everyone to wear masks. So number one on the to do list here is to ban the wearing of masks in public places.
7) Raise more Jew money. Nobody has been as good to the Jews as President Trump has. Look at the way he's helped the Israelis to dominate the Palestinians and build new settlements so they can grow more of that awful wine that Jews drink during the Passover. That's the only issue that Jews really care about, so it's time for them to open their very large checkbooks and express their thanks.
8) As soon as Commie Joe picks his negress as his Vice Presidential candidate, point out to everyone how stupid it is to let a negress that close to the White House. Say Biden wins, dies in office, and the negress takes over. It will be like one big Oprah show in the White House. Everybody gets a new car! Except, of course, hard working white Americans.
9) Don't forget the most important issue in American politics: transgendered bathrooms. If the Democrat party wins in November, your little girls are going to have to share a bathroom with some perverted guy who likes to wear ladies' underwear. This is a big winner for our side, politically.
10) Stop all COVID testing. Through the simple expedient of instructing the FDA to pull its authorization of all coronavirus tests, we can cut our daily COVID numbers down to zero, thus beating even the slant eyes in China and their cousins in America who started this whole mess. And then everyone will realize that President Trump is right, we had this pandemic under control all along, and it disappeared in the summer.
1) Better nicknames and slogans. Nothing wins elections like inventing nasty names to call you opponent and dime store slogans. Remember Crooked Hillary? Remember Lock Her Up? Those won the White House for President Trump. Now, Sleepy Joe and Corrupt Joe aren't bad, but they don't really get at the heart of the matter. How about some hard-hitting slogans like Commie Joe and Negro-Lover Joe to show what a stark contrast this election presents?
2) Restore law and order. Our country right now is basically one big black lives matter riot. That has to stop. What do we as Republicans do best? That's right, we protect each other from the threat posed by minorities and foreigners! So let's stop pussy-footing, forget the National Guard, and send the US Marines in to clean out the trash in our major cities, supported by air-dropped tear gas.
3) Protect our polling places. Speaking of marines, we need to arrange to send them in to patrol polling places in minority districts in the November election. This will ensure that Antifa terrorists will not disrupt the voting. They can also help check everyone's ID.
4) Stop the mail-in ballot nonsense. President Trump should fire the Postmaster General and replace him with a loyalist who will make sure that mail-in ballots do not reach county election commissions. It may seem like a drastic measure, but how else can we protect ourselves from Ukrainian and Chinese meddling in the election. Democracy is at stake here!
5) Defend our heritage. Why are there no national holidays celebrating the important accomplishments of Confederate leaders? The President needs to issue a proclamation renaming Martin Luther King day as Jefferson Davis day. This will shore up our support in Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, and Georgia. Plus, it's the right thing to do. We should also issue a new line of stamps featuring the Confederate flag.
6) Focus on freedom. Democrats want to take your freedom away, so this is a big vote winner for us. That's why they want to force everyone to wear masks. So number one on the to do list here is to ban the wearing of masks in public places.
7) Raise more Jew money. Nobody has been as good to the Jews as President Trump has. Look at the way he's helped the Israelis to dominate the Palestinians and build new settlements so they can grow more of that awful wine that Jews drink during the Passover. That's the only issue that Jews really care about, so it's time for them to open their very large checkbooks and express their thanks.
8) As soon as Commie Joe picks his negress as his Vice Presidential candidate, point out to everyone how stupid it is to let a negress that close to the White House. Say Biden wins, dies in office, and the negress takes over. It will be like one big Oprah show in the White House. Everybody gets a new car! Except, of course, hard working white Americans.
9) Don't forget the most important issue in American politics: transgendered bathrooms. If the Democrat party wins in November, your little girls are going to have to share a bathroom with some perverted guy who likes to wear ladies' underwear. This is a big winner for our side, politically.
10) Stop all COVID testing. Through the simple expedient of instructing the FDA to pull its authorization of all coronavirus tests, we can cut our daily COVID numbers down to zero, thus beating even the slant eyes in China and their cousins in America who started this whole mess. And then everyone will realize that President Trump is right, we had this pandemic under control all along, and it disappeared in the summer.
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