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I'm sure by now that all of you have seen the news - a bunch of unwashed Marxist hippie terrorists have "occupied" Wall Street. At first there were only a few, but now there are thousands. And now they are no longer satisfied with spreading their commie Muslim ideas on Wall Street - their fellow travelers have come out of the woodwork in Los Angeles and other big cities across America. Many of them are armed and dangerous, carrying deadly weapons like cardboard signs, cell phones and video cameras.
In short, this is a full-fledged insurrection! They are holding up signs advocating the prosecution of Wall Street "banksters." The gall of these people! They are attacking the job creators, who represent everything that is good in America - the stock market, motherhood, apple pie, the Bible, guns, laser-guided missiles.
Early on when these protests began, I called up my good friend, Mayor Bloomberg of New York, and told him that he had to crack-down and clean-up before this thing spread. He obligingly sent out a few dozen goons to spray mace, beat a few heads with nightsticks, and arrest several hundred people for "resisting arrest." Personally, I thought that this was a pretty wimpy response, and suggested that machine guns would have been more appropriate, but he brushed off that suggestion and assured me that mace, nightsticks and plastic handcuffs would be sufficient to protect the rich and get things under control.
Well, I think subsequent events have proven me right. It's time to take the gloves off. At my company's factories in China, when some commie agitator forms a union and there is an impromptu strike, I call up my friends in the Communist Party and they send out a few tanks to run over the picketers. That's remarkably effective, and better than machine-gunning everybody since we don't want to lose our skilled workforce, just scare the beejesus out of them. The Chinks even have an expression for this in their babble-language - translates as "Kill the rooster to scare the monkey." I guess since Chinks more-or-less look like monkeys, that makes even more sense.
Anyway, about New York...Now that the number of protestors has mushroomed into thousands, tanks can no longer do the job. We need a "final solution" so that this never happens again. Air strikes would be cool, except that would cause too much property damage, and my company has quite a bit invested in lower-Manhattan real estate. Thus, I think we'll have to go with nerve gas - it eliminates people, but protects private property.
Humane warfare: protecting private property
Saddam shows how it's done
One problem we might have is that it could be difficult to find American soldiers who would willingly nerve gas their fellow citizens. That's why I suggest we oursource the job to foreign mercenaries. I've got some good connections with the Chink military, and they'd be happy to do this work. They have a lot of experience, and you can't beat their prices.
As a patriotic American, I demand that we restore law and order to Wall Street. True, it might get a little messy, but as that great philosopher Jolly Joe Stalin once said, "if you want to make a good omelet, you've got to break some eggs." I know that God would approve, because he's done it so many times himself with those plagues. His bio-warfare experiments top anything we humans have done, though my company continues to work hard on our enhanced small pox virus research. I almost can't wait until President Perry launches his war against Iran - those bio-weapon contracts will be like minting gold.
In short, this is a full-fledged insurrection! They are holding up signs advocating the prosecution of Wall Street "banksters." The gall of these people! They are attacking the job creators, who represent everything that is good in America - the stock market, motherhood, apple pie, the Bible, guns, laser-guided missiles.
Early on when these protests began, I called up my good friend, Mayor Bloomberg of New York, and told him that he had to crack-down and clean-up before this thing spread. He obligingly sent out a few dozen goons to spray mace, beat a few heads with nightsticks, and arrest several hundred people for "resisting arrest." Personally, I thought that this was a pretty wimpy response, and suggested that machine guns would have been more appropriate, but he brushed off that suggestion and assured me that mace, nightsticks and plastic handcuffs would be sufficient to protect the rich and get things under control.
Well, I think subsequent events have proven me right. It's time to take the gloves off. At my company's factories in China, when some commie agitator forms a union and there is an impromptu strike, I call up my friends in the Communist Party and they send out a few tanks to run over the picketers. That's remarkably effective, and better than machine-gunning everybody since we don't want to lose our skilled workforce, just scare the beejesus out of them. The Chinks even have an expression for this in their babble-language - translates as "Kill the rooster to scare the monkey." I guess since Chinks more-or-less look like monkeys, that makes even more sense.
Anyway, about New York...Now that the number of protestors has mushroomed into thousands, tanks can no longer do the job. We need a "final solution" so that this never happens again. Air strikes would be cool, except that would cause too much property damage, and my company has quite a bit invested in lower-Manhattan real estate. Thus, I think we'll have to go with nerve gas - it eliminates people, but protects private property.
Humane warfare: protecting private property
Saddam shows how it's done
One problem we might have is that it could be difficult to find American soldiers who would willingly nerve gas their fellow citizens. That's why I suggest we oursource the job to foreign mercenaries. I've got some good connections with the Chink military, and they'd be happy to do this work. They have a lot of experience, and you can't beat their prices.
As a patriotic American, I demand that we restore law and order to Wall Street. True, it might get a little messy, but as that great philosopher Jolly Joe Stalin once said, "if you want to make a good omelet, you've got to break some eggs." I know that God would approve, because he's done it so many times himself with those plagues. His bio-warfare experiments top anything we humans have done, though my company continues to work hard on our enhanced small pox virus research. I almost can't wait until President Perry launches his war against Iran - those bio-weapon contracts will be like minting gold.
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