Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

[lukasekman]

Apple have been under investigation by the U.S. Department of Family Values for a long time. There have been several good reasons for the investigation, and we have finally got a solid proof: CEO Tim Cook have confessed that he is gay.

The U.S. Department of Family Values officially recommends home and business users to immediately stop using any software, hardware or cloud service from Apple. These include but are not limited to:

iCloud: Leaks nude photos and company secrets. Department of Family Values strongly discourage using any cloud service to store sensible data.
Mac: They make you gay
iPhone: Infested with demons
iPad: Promotes terrorism
The Apple logo itself is blasphemous

Windows users should check their "add/remove programs" twice to make sure there is no software installed by Apple or any other gay company. iTunes, MobileME, Bonjour and other common programs by Apple are potential back doors, and may store gay porn in hidden locations.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

It's only a matter of time before Apple products are pre-installed with AIDS oozing out of the keyboards and butt plug shaped mice.



The signs were all there.

[lukasekman]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

Computers coming preinfected with viruses, bloatware and other malware is a common nuisance the last decade. It's the result of user experience fags who can't distinguish a PCI slot from an ISA slot trying to do the job that required actual system building skills.

The U.S. Department of Family Values is actually investigating the possibility of computers coming bundled with AIDS as well, as the optimal temperature for growth of AIDS is similar to the cpu temperature of an idle Macbook air. In that case, AIDS will most likely be labeled as a "Social Smart User Premium Experience" or something silly like that.

Back in the good old days, you just had to change a single line in config.sys to make your printer work, and that's it. It didn't occupied much memory either. And if it didn't work, you could just pray the error away. Today, just because the unspanked millennials are too lazy and stupid to change a single line in a text file, a printer driver is almost always bundled with bloatware that steals hundreds of megabytes of your precious ram, and checks for updates every 20 minutes.

In addition, in the good old days when plugging the parts together was a vital skill of using a computer, the rates of autism and cellulites were much lower than today. Autism is most likely the result of an artificial intelligence invading the human brain, and runaway AI is a major risk when computers are optimized for so called user experience instead of modularity.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

I don't get how this is news. Isn't everyone who works at Apple, owns Apple, likes Apple or votes for Obama gay?

[Nobar King]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

I searched my computer and I have that Bonjour thing. It's French so it must be gay and it must be eliminated!

WHat it is and how do I safely remove it without getting infected?

[WWJDnow]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

They're all gay at Apple. Who else would want to work at a company named after a fruit?

[lukasekman]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

I searched my computer and I have that Bonjour thing. It's French so it must be gay and it must be eliminated!

WHat it is and how do I safely remove it without getting infected?

Here is the official recommendation by the U.S. Department of Family Values:
1. Download Autoruns for Windows on a healthy pc and store it on a usb drive.
2. Disconnect your computer from the internet. Unplug the cable or disable the wifi if available.
3. Cover your computer in tin foil or a metal mesh as much as possible.
4. Make a backup of all important files.
5. Go to control panel and chose "Uninstall a program".
6. Remove everything from "Apple Inc.", including but not limited to Bonjour (and anything else that's French), iTunes and iCloud. Remove everything else you don't recognize.
7. Restart your computer in failsafe mode - press F8 which is leetspeak for faith.
8. Plug in the usb drive with "Autoruns for Windows" and run it.
9. Turn off everything in the autostart and everywhere else you can't recognize.
10. Restart the computer.
11. Remove the cover and connect to internet.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

WHat it is and how do I safely remove it without getting infected?

Just burn the computer until nothing is left.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Apple CEO is gay - secure your network now!

Here is the official recommendation by the U.S. Department of Family Values:
1. Download Autoruns for Windows on a healthy pc and store it on a usb drive.
2. Disconnect your computer from the internet. Unplug the cable or disable the wifi if available.
3. Cover your computer in tin foil or a metal mesh as much as possible.
4. Make a backup of all important files.
5. Go to control panel and chose "Uninstall a program".
6. Remove everything from "Apple Inc.", including but not limited to Bonjour (and anything else that's French), iTunes and iCloud. Remove everything else you don't recognize.
7. Restart your computer in failsafe mode - press F8 which is leetspeak for faith.
8. Plug in the usb drive with "Autoruns for Windows" and run it.
9. Turn off everything in the autostart and everywhere else you can't recognize.
10. Restart the computer.
11. Remove the cover and connect to internet.

I thank the Good Lord Mr. Etheldreda never allowed us to download anything from the Apple, but just for good measure, I always have my children pray in a circle surrounding the family computer before it is turned on. We rebuke Satan and remind him he has no legal ground in our computer equipment. He hasn't come through our Spiritual Bubble of Protection yet.