2022 WITCH HUNT!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Hey Guys, it's that time of year again!

WITCH HUNTING!

A friendly reminder of the rules:

1. To prove a kill you must submit genitals, teeth, ears or fingers or toes to the Pastors if you cannot bring in the entire body.

2. Severely maiming will get you points, but it's not as good as a kill.

3. This year will give points for Butt-hurt strikes. For example, "special needs" witches are more points than regular witches.

You will need a permit, they are now available in the Church Lobby. The cost is $49.99. If you are not able to afford the cost of a Witch Hunting Permit, please fill out a "Hardship" Form available from a Pastor and a permit will be provided for you free of charge.

Winners will receive the coveted 2022 Witch Hunt Award, dinner for 4 at the Olive Garden, a gun of his/her choice from Bob4God's Gun World and a leather bound, over-sized KJV1611 Bible, and an "Are you FALL-O-WEEN Jesus" tote bag.

Now get out there and get us some witches!

Be GODLY, be good and most importantly HAVE FUN!

Post your results here!

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

I ordered a M142 HIMARS but Biden keeps giving them away to Ukraine. To make matters worse I seem to have misplaced my 0.3 kiloton W85. I wanted to ask my wife to locate it but then I remembered she is dead.

Maybe I should skip ahead and congratulate Pastor Ezekiel on his well deserved win. There is no way I am going to defeat Pastor Ezekiel with just a RPG-76 Komar and a flame thrower. I am 3 friends short for a dinner for 4 at the Olive Garden anyway.

Exodus 22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

What's the score for a drone delivered munition? Some of us aren't as mobile as we used to be, and those with kids may want to keep them indoors on the computer rather than risking precious energy.

[GodHatesGLaDOS]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

My husband just got not one, but THREE witches! What would he get for those?

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

It depends on several things; general condition; purpose for which sold; and most importantly Scripture please.

[James Hutchins]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

The Hutchin's brood has won this friendly competition many times. Perhaps because moving target training starts when a child is one year old and lasts a hour every day and a hour every night.
So we have decided to go 'Old School'.
We have dug 'man traps' on the trails witches use. Sharpened tree branches for use as spears and filled balloons with gasoline. Some of the little ones that are too small to wield a weapon will have razor blades attached all over their 'Onesies' so as when a witch tries to grab a infant, they have their fingers cut off. Old School.
While it will be more of a challenge, I think the physical work and getting outside, running around will be good for them. Standing in the back of a pickup driving through the fields and using a bullhorn to berate the field workers has made them soft.
I am also creating a 'Hutchins Helloween' prize for the most create kill. The winner will get to go with me (in person) to a Sunday service (Non-holiday) and sit in a pew where they will be able to see Pastor Ezekiel Flint IN PERSON and not on a JesusTron.! Good behavior may result in acknowledgement of existence.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

A friendly reminder: Don't go into the forest without a blessing from Zeke.

There are a variety of blessings to suit your needs. The details and prices are on the Church notice board.

[James Hutchins]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

I was just contacted by Miss Cookie from the Church Office. The opportunity to attend services INSIDE the Chrystal Cathedral can only be approved by the Church Deacons and only after a review of the persons tithing records. I am sure if some of the little ones are able to visit the Flint compound for a weekend of introspection and examination by the good Pastors select team of upper Diamond Encrusted Platinum Tithers(tm), some will be approved.
Finally, just to ensure complete transparency, I am not some parent that indulges their kids. The winner will have to supply their own transportation from the Hutchins Plantation, LLC to Landover, secure accommodations and pass the background check by Bobby-Joe and the boys as well as pay for their own meals (and mine, if they know what is good for them). God will provide if they are worthy.
3 John 1:6 Which have borne witness of thy charity before the church: whom if thou bring forward on their journey after a Godly sort, thou shalt do well:

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

As I could not locate the W85 and my wife still seems to be dead, I decided to use my XL18 flamethrower this year. This flamethrower gives these witches a nice preview of the fires of Hell.

"And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire." (Revelation 20:14-15).

My first batch of witches teeth:

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

Should there be exceptions for witches who are the daughters of clergymen and/or courtesans of some description (although if there's no royal court as such there may be another term) possibly fond of intoxication?

[WWJDnow]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

Satanic activity is always elevated when a Democrat occupies the White House, but all of the signs point to witchcraft reaching its highest levels since the 17th Century this Halloween. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, famines, wars, Biden-created inflation, rampant pornography, rap music, negroes living in white suburbs--the portents are all aligned, if we just have eyes to see. For this reason, the Bulletin of the Atomic Creation Scientists has moved its doomsday sundial to one second before midnight.

The Landover Baptist Church took the lead in containing the Satanic threat three centuries ago by promoting the Salem witch trials, and it looks like we'll be leading the charge again in the 2022 Witch Hunt on October 31. With God's help, we will teach those Wiccans a lesson they won't soon forget!

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

A brownie stands as the prime minister of a European nation. A Catholic poses as the president of God's nation. A Jew calls himself president of a fake country and wages war against non-Jewish mankind. Satan is riding high right now, so it's only to be expected that his mortal minions--witches, wizards, warlocks, Wiccans--will be out in force on Devil's Night and All Hallow's Eve. Lock and load my righteous brethren, the armies of darkness will be beating down our doors, or at least ringing the doorbell and then standing there on the front stoop, bold as brass, costumed as some eldritch horror. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for my ally is Jesus, and a powerful ally He is.

Christ has already guided my hand as I took out an entire coven of negress voodoo witches who were staying at my motel armed only with a Glock 20 and a Bowie knife. I'll be sending the scalps by mail for verification once they're dry.

[WWJDnow]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

Early results are in, and the 2022 Landover Baptist Church witch hunt is the most successful ever. Thanks the top secret spy gear we were able to construct using the blueprints Donald Trump sent to us, combined with the power of Jesus Christ and his own witch hunting acumen, Pastor Ezekiel bagged more than 500 warlocks--and we're still counting the foreskins. That's on top of the countless witches being held in the church dungeon.

I want to thank and applaud all of the members of the Landover family for their extraordinary efforts today. This single witch hunt has set Satan's efforts to corrupt central Iowa back by a decade or more!

PRAISE JESUS!!!

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

Congratulations to Pastor Ezekiel for a well deserved win!

And I would like to repeat my apology for the misplaced explosion. Women should not have tea parties at a covenstead but I should have been more careful there. I pray every day for Mrs. Abigail Williams to wake up from her coma.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: 2022 WITCH HUNT!

I regret that I did not cross paths with Iowa gubernatorial candidate Deidre DeJear during my expedition into the Hawkeye State, but I think that the combined efforts of all of us have ensured the reelection of Gov. Kim Reynolds in a landslide. Maybe next election year we should hold the witch hunt in a swing state? Landover Georgia Witch Hunt 2024, for example?