Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Suffering for Jesus in Saint James, Barbados
Our 2007 Platinum Tither Conference at Sandy Lane Luxury Island Resort

Freehold, Iowa - Landover Baptist is proud to announce that the Annual Platinum Tither Conference in St James, Barbados is completely sold out! Major Donors, VIC's (Very Important Christians), and Pastors will be spending an incredible, Christ-centered week (August 26 - September 1) at the Sandy Lane Luxury Golf and Spa Resort. Christian couples were booked at a $27,000.00 flat rate and $35,000.00 for the Senior Saints' "Golden Pillow," pass. The resort is reserved for Landover Baptist affiliates only! And we are happy to publish the fact that the location will be entirely cleared of all unsaved persons for the whole week! Guests will be pleased to know they won't have to waste time witnessing to the help and can enjoy the entirety of their Christian vacation, guilt-free!

The 2007 conference will focus primarily on Pastor Deacon Fred's teaching series: "Things to Do Before the Lord Returns." Guests will attend chapel services each morning and a pre-dinner sermon where Pastor will discuss the benefits of the American Christian lifestyle, prayerfully invoking both comfort and insight as he provides guests with a laundry list of leisurely Bible-based activities to enhance and assuage their daily lives. "Since the Gospel has already been preached to every nation, we are now called upon to abide and dally in the lap of the Lord," says Pastor. "And I've got to tell you, there are plenty of things to do while we sit around and wait for Jesus to show up, and this conference is just a start!. Christian couch manufacturer, Jim Titular will be attending the conference to explain how his furniture ministry allows us to tarry for the Lord in the utmost comfort."

Room Amenities

• 900 square foot duplex suites with private prayer verandahs
• 24/7 True Christian ™ Butler service
• 56 inch plasma wide-screen television with interactive entertainment systems, stereo, private communion bar and personal in-room safe
• Custom multi-spray shower and steam bath, heated mirrors
• Sheepskin leather bound Gideon Bibles in each nightstand
• Pillow menu with 13 options (Golden Pillow pass only)
• Separate powder room and full-service beach front menstra-huts for pre-menopausal female guests

Daily Activities

• Annual Landover Baptist Senior Saints shuffle board tournament
• "Blessed are the Poor," bullet proof limousine convoy tour of the inland (Tuesday afternoon only)
• Devotional massage therapy
• TBN Network in-suite 24/7 in glorious high definition
• Helicopter tours of ancient heathen ruins
• Fishers of Men deep sea fishing expeditions (7 AM - 11AM Daily)
• Search for the Treasure of God's Heart™ shipwreck diving expeditions (1 PM - 4PM Daily)

Special Note From Pastor Deacon Fred to Church Members Back Home:

Remember friends, if you didn't make the list for this year's conference, you are still on the Lord's list in the book of life. Although your name might be further down, Jesus still considers you precious in His sight. Some are called by Him to receive mansions in Glory and others to spend eternity in luxury condominiums on Salvation Boulevard. Just be happy you are saved, and won't end up having your hiney roasted for eternity on the devil's skillet in hell.

[lilith]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

""Blessed are the Poor," bullet proof limousine convoy tour of the inland (Tuesday afternoon only)"

Why does it need to be a bulletproof limousine? Surely no one means them any harm,being as they're so saintly?

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

Every once in a while we have to rough it in order to remind ourselves the gifts that Jesus has given us with his blood. As crazy as it sounds I actually enjoy going on this retreat, it reminds me of how lucky I am to be so prosperous, and when I get home and enjoy my things even more!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

""Blessed are the Poor," bullet proof limousine convoy tour of the inland (Tuesday afternoon only)"

Why does it need to be a bulletproof limousine? Surely no one means them any harm,being as they're so saintly?

I will be happy to let you know if the accommodations meet our expectation. There are some Barbadans who still practice African Voodoo and they can sometimes become violent when we break up their unholy nocturnal caterwalling and shoot a few of them....hence the bulletproof limos. In addition, Platinum tithers are prime kidnapping targets. But security is underwritten this trip by the American taxpayers due to the scheduled attendance of President Bush, The Elder.

You see, it has finally become obvious to the entire civilized world that if you want to spend American dollars, you must Trust in God...OUR GOD....THE ONE AND ONLY...or He will continue to smite the heathens who worship the demon Allah. Until they take baths, get those diapers off their heads, accept Christianity and start tithing some of those oil billions to Landover, the bombs will keep falling.

We have a plan to accomplish that goal with the least possible amount of death and suffering, and we are going to present our proposal to Mr. Bush who will take it to President Bush. You may expect to see rapid progress after that. We estimate that one Wing of B52s from Egland Air Force Base, staging out of Guam and Diego Garcia can bring peace to the entire middle east in two weeks.....or sooner, depending upon the prevailing winds.

[lilith]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

I will be happy to let you know if the accommodations meet our expectation. There are some Barbadans who still practice African Voodoo and they can sometimes become violent when we break up their unholy nocturnal caterwalling and shoot a few of them....hence the bulletproof limos. In addition, Platinum tithers are prime kidnapping targets. But security is underwritten this trip by the American taxpayers due to the scheduled attendance of President Bush, The Elder.

You see, it has finally become obvious to the entire civilized world that if you want to spend American dollars, you must Trust in God...OUR GOD....THE ONE AND ONLY...or He will continue to smite the heathens who worship the demon Allah. Until they take baths, get those diapers off their heads, accept Christianity and start tithing some of those oil billions to Landover, the bombs will keep falling.

We have a plan to accomplish that goal with the least possible amount of death and suffering, and we are going to present our proposal to Mr. Bush who will take it to President Bush. You may expect to see rapid progress after that. We estimate that one Wing of B52s from Egland Air Force Base, staging out of Guam and Diego Garcia can bring peace to the entire middle east in two weeks.....or sooner, depending upon the prevailing winds.

So nothing at all to do with the smug,condescending & patronising attitude of the holier-than-thou lot,then?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

So nothing at all to do with the smug,condescending & patronising attitude of the holier-than-thou lot,then?

If by "smug,condescending & patronising attitude" you mean freedom, which I believe you do, then yes, they hate us for our freedom.

[lilith]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

If by "smug,condescending & patronising attitude" you mean freedom, which I believe you do, then yes, they hate us for our freedom.

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you - they're probably too poor to afford bullets,let alone guns.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you - they're probably too poor to afford bullets,let alone guns.

That's clever of you: trying to fool us into a false sense of security. Guess what you broomstick-raping floozy, as a Republican Party Ranger Level Donor, paranoia for me is not a state of mind but a way of life. There will be a comprehensive body-cavity search for any brown people who come close to me. And that includes white people with tans.

[SUV]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

Hey, Pastor Ezekiel! What's for DINNER?

It is Meat and not some unGodly sort of fish, isn't it? Only Good Fish is the one that says "IXOYE" on it, and I'm guessing they can only be caught in True Christian Waters by Baptists using Hard-Shell Baptist Bait.

Which I would imagine would be chunks of the crusty flesh of the un$avED

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

""Blessed are the Poor," bullet proof limousine convoy tour of the inland (Tuesday afternoon only)"

Why does it need to be a bulletproof limousine? Surely no one means them any harm,being as they're so saintly?

Because there are environmental nut cases who want to persecute good Christians just because they want to take a break and do some dynamite fishing on the reef. I mean the dynamite fishing is an old Christian tradition yet all of sudden the tree huggers say it destroys the reef.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: Suffering For Jesus In Saint James, Barbados

I'm afraid I'm going to have to miss the event, Brothers and Sisters. Democracy-building is a sassy and demanding mistress (in the non-dirty sense), and I am afraid that I need to be here in Iraq's heavily-fortified Green Zone to issue rosy press releases and supervise school painting photo ops.

I have to go... the electricity went out again.