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  • Enigmatic Harpo Marx
    Resident ex-satanist
    True Christian™
    • Nov 2007
    • 488
    #1

    Finally back

    I just got back into town today after an extended witch hunting trip and I have to say it feels good to be back. I pulled off a nice track record if I do say so myself -- 16 confirmed witches, a whole mess of little goth-tards (most likely all witches themselves), and I single handedly burned down the office of admissions of a private catholic school all with nothing more than my Bible, a .44 mag (blessed bullets of course), and the warm (and apparently fire starting) love of Jesus.

    I have been concerned about repercussion but I have no doubt in my mind that the burly arms of our Lord will protect me.

    On a side note: Thanks for that prayer Paster Zeke. You should of seen the way that their inferior, sinning brains popped like rotten grapes upon reciting it!
    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil...
    Tags: None
    • Eugene Hackwith
      Farmer for Christ™
      True Christian™
      • Jan 2008
      • 736
      #2
      Re: Finally back

      I'm sure the Lord will protect you, for you have done His work. Perhaps having a Joo lawyer on retainer wouldn't hurt, though.

      Thank you for fighting the good fight, and welcome back.
      A baby is a human being, not a stem cell!

      Psalm 139:19-20
      Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
      For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

        Comment

        • Ezekiel Bathfire
          Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
          Christ's Rottweiler
           
          • Jan 2008
          • 22892
          #3
          Re: Finally back

          Don't forget to submit your expenses claim; the Landover mileage rate has risen to $24 per mile to compensate for the rises in the price of gas.
          sigpic


          “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

          Author of such illuminating essays as,
          Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

            Comment

            • Enigmatic Harpo Marx
              Resident ex-satanist
              True Christian™
              • Nov 2007
              • 488
              #4
              Re: Finally back

              Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
              Don't forget to submit your expenses claim; the Landover mileage rate has risen to $24 per mile to compensate for the rises in the price of gas.
              Naturally, but I didn't actually use a car; mine sort of broke (it would be more accurate to say that it fell apart) so I walked. Walked right through two pairs of boots. But I figure if walking was good enough for Jesus then it's good enough for me.....hot damn a car would've been nice though...
              Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil...

                Comment

                • Ezekiel Bathfire
                  Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
                  Christ's Rottweiler
                   
                  • Jan 2008
                  • 22892
                  #5
                  Re: Finally back

                  Originally posted by Enigmatic Harpo Marx View Post
                  Naturally, but I didn't actually use a car; mine sort of broke (it would be more accurate to say that it fell apart) so I walked. Walked right through two pairs of boots. But I figure if walking was good enough for Jesus then it's good enough for me.....hot damn a car would've been nice though...
                  Boot allowance is 4 cents a furlong - last updated in 1872.
                  sigpic


                  “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

                  Author of such illuminating essays as,
                  Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

                    Comment

                    • Link is cool
                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                      • May 2008
                      • 22
                      #6
                      Re: Finally back

                      I must say i am impressed with your kill record of those damn goths. Me and some of my mates are going to Epping forest with the local police force to root out some armed cultists who worshipped some false "God" called Seth, at the first meeting when we were planning the attack we were told not to shoot but at the one i just came back from were everything was finalised were told that because of the scale of it we could shoot to kill . According to reports they have a few 50. cals so may you pray me safe as i open a can of holy retropution on their heathen arses.

                        Comment

                        • Enigmatic Harpo Marx
                          Resident ex-satanist
                          True Christian™
                          • Nov 2007
                          • 488
                          #7
                          Re: Finally back

                          Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
                          Boot allowance is 4 cents a furlong - last updated in 1872.
                          ugh, I knew I should of spent the extra $2.75 for that pedometer with furlong conversion capabilities. Now I have to work it out by hand.

                          Originally posted by Link is cool View Post
                          I must say i am impressed with your kill record of those damn goths. Me and some of my mates are going to Epping forest with the local police force to root out some armed cultists who worshipped some false "God" called Seth, at the first meeting when we were planning the attack we were told not to shoot but at the one i just came back from were everything was finalised were told that because of the scale of it we could shoot to kill . According to reports they have a few 50. cals so may you pray me safe as i open a can of holy retropution on their heathen arses.
                          I'd pray for you (maybe) if I knew what you were talking about but your account of rooting out cults (stop me if I'm getting that part wrong) is a little disjointed and I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be praying for....
                          Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil...

                            Comment

                            • Link is cool
                              Confirmed Enemy of God
                              BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                              • May 2008
                              • 22
                              #8
                              Re: Finally back

                              I meant pray so i don't get shot by the Buggers

                                Comment

                                • Brother Temperance
                                  Senior Usher
                                  True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom
                                  A very nice young man
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Sep 2006
                                  • 15621
                                  #9
                                  Re: Finally back

                                  Originally posted by Enigmatic Harpo Marx View Post
                                  I'd pray for you (maybe) if I knew what you were talking about but your account of rooting out cults (stop me if I'm getting that part wrong) is a little disjointed and I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be praying for....
                                  Something about Holy Retropution. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that means he worships an ancient computer from the 80s or something.
                                  Originally posted by Link is cool View Post
                                  I meant pray so i don't get shot by the Buggers
                                  Will do. Being shot by sodomites is truly a fate worse than death.
                                  O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



                                  God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

                                    Comment

                                    • Enigmatic Harpo Marx
                                      Resident ex-satanist
                                      True Christian™
                                      • Nov 2007
                                      • 488
                                      #10
                                      Re: Finally back

                                      Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                                      Something about Holy Retropution. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that means he worships an ancient computer from the 80s or something.
                                      And to think that I always shrugged of those myths of the Retroputer cult as mere fiction when they've been true this whole time...
                                      Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil...

                                        Comment

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