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NOTICE OF THE REVOCATION OF US DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to
elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories - except for Utah, a Mormon state,
which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Similarly you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed', not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the
suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' -
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then
you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English" and we will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian - 'Daphne' in 'Frasier'. You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires -
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required at least occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen' but
only after fully carrying out task. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You will stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that
no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be better if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is
similar to American "football" but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We
are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2007.
You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
holiday but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and it is all for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on
the left with immediate effect. At the same time you will go metric with
immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be
referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser - as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic - to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline as you will be
permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. *Please* tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to
elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories - except for Utah, a Mormon state,
which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Similarly you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed', not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the
suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' -
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then
you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English" and we will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian - 'Daphne' in 'Frasier'. You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is
no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires -
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required at least occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen' but
only after fully carrying out task. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You will stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that
no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be better if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is
similar to American "football" but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We
are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2007.
You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
holiday but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and it is all for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on
the left with immediate effect. At the same time you will go metric with
immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be
referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser - as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic - to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline as you will be
permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. *Please* tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
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