CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

[DolliMoans]

Hello Brother and Sisters of Landover, I am very shaken and disturbed right now. What I am about to share is not fit for everyone ears and if my case is proven truth, it entails shocking details of infidelity, sodomy and incest (Though one should be accustomed to such subjects if they read the Bible, in particular, Isaiah 47:10, Leviticus 18:6 and Leviticus 20:13 apply to my dilemma)

If such subject material isn't your shot of bourbon, please hit the back button now!


This morning, as I was recovering the home security camera footage from this month, I was deeply alarmed by footage from the beginning of the month, April 1st, that I recall was a very odd night, yet I never bothered to investigate at the time until now. I admit, my memory is quite fuzzy from that time, and it's difficult to remember what transpired beyond what I can see in the security footage, but clearly from watching it, I can see myself leaving the kitchen and walking towards the bedroom. What I do remember from that day is hearing some heavy breathing that sounded at first like my hubby, Mr. Moans, but also then it sounded like my sons Rush and Crusher.
I had been raised to keep my head down and never stick my nose in in what doesn't concern me, so I never bothered to investigate the strange panting. I shouldn't have been looking at this footage, but it is routine for the camera to be checked and replaced every month, and Mr. Moans is away right now on the first spring fishing trip with Crusher and Rush, so I decided to change it early, and now I found this:


This is the exact moment of which I just described above. As you can see, our Jesus-powered CHRISTCAM has blotted out the supicious material which means, the content in the footage is just that; suspicious!





Please, I need guidance as to what to do, and to understand why the CHRISTCAM would censor what is clearly Mr. Moans and Crusher (and the black blot in the center is who I suspect is Rush between them) in close proximity on the sofa, unless it was something unspeakable. The CHRISTCAM never makes errors.

I'm in shambles right now, and need to act quickly before Mr. Moans returns from his trip. Am I being paranoid? I know I have lady-like nerves, and don't possess the stomach or patience a level-headed man would have in this circumstance, and I could just be splitting hairs over nothing; perhaps they were just moving the sofa because I did notice it was shifted six inches west the next day. If that is the case, the CHRISTCAM wouldn't have obscured their movements. Something's up.

I am currently inclined to seal the raw unadulterated footage and send copies to Senior Pastors and the Demonology Lab (They are starting to get to know me quite well) for further inquisition.

[crazyjack13]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Dolli,

This is very disturbing news! As a man who is the subject of constant sexual advances from hellish homosexuals, I have a very fine-tuned sense of when gay activity is going on. To my trained eye, it seems that your husband may indeed be engaging in the devillish deed of sinful sodomy with your susceptible sons. However, it is just as likely that your husband has decided on late-night bible sessions with your children, and didn't feel the need to tell you. It's likely that he just left the lights off to help his sons see the Light of the Lord.


All in all, it's best to let the men in the house handle this issue. After all, men know best.

[Basilissa]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

What I don't understand, dear, is who, do you think, gave you the permission to spy on your husband?

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

[DolliMoans]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Dolli,


All in all, it's best to let the men in the house handle this issue. After all, men know best.

Indeed! Your words of comfort mean a lot from a seemingly fine, upstanding Christian man like yourself, Jack.

What I don't understand, dear, is who, do you think, gave you the permission to spy on your husband?

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Hello Sister,


Mr. Moans gave me the permission in a written To-Do list to change the tapes, but never explicitly expressed for me to look. I suppose it was Jesus who gave me the intuitive feeling that something was up, and that the need to investigate was afoot. I've been reading a lot from Isaiah lately.

Isaiah 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth:It shall not return unto me void,
But it shall accomplish that which I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.




It seems to me Jesus was communicating to me directly, with a mission in mind. He wanted to me to unearth the sins of my kin.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

sister greetings in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Because of him it is well with my soul. It never fails to amaze me how women folk always jump to the worst conclusions about the activities of men. In general we are easy to understand easy to get along with clean thoughtful sensitive considerate and loving. We can also open jars. The Lord God spoke to me and said to tell you to destroy those tapes and only let your husband change them again in the future. If you tell him that a male true Christian said this he has no choice but to go along with the suggestion. I am going to pray some more about this and I will share what the Lord God tells me. In the meantime make haste to destroy those tapes. If dad can’t have some harmless fun with his boys what is the world coming to?

[DolliMoans]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Hello sweet Brother Larry,


The sole uncensored copy of the Mr. Moans tape has already been mailed to the Landover Demonology Lab. We will get to the truth.

Incidently, I wonder if the Bible has any passages about accidentally wedding a homer?

Also, anyone here can recommend a good joo lawyer if there happens to be a legal mess of any kind?

On a lighter note, this is my hundred 69'th post.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Mrs. Moans, why don't you trust Jesus?

I shall put this in plain American. Short sentences. It might me difficult for a woman to get. Let men's secrets be secrets.

Deuteronomy 29:29
The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.

If you pry and commit that sin, you are not the one punish a man. Trust Jesus. If a sin was committed, He will punish the sinner.

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Jesus will take care of things. Of course, there is one thing you should do. Study the Bible more. It is a difficult book for women but Jesus knew that. He gave you advice.

1 Corinthians 14:35
And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Phil Ander]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Also, anyone here can recommend a good joo lawyer if there happens to be a legal mess of any kind?

There is a very good lawyer in NY, Michael Cohen. At present he has only three clients, and according to reports has minimal client activities with at least two of them, so he may be able to take another. Fees must be reasonable. He never charged one of his clients a cent, and helped out another with a $130,000.00 gift.


Phil

[Dana723]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Perhaps the Lord censored the webcam as I know men praying can often get strenuous. Our own Dear Saviour, as you know, prayed so hard He sweated blood.

And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. Luke 22:44


I know my own husband and five sons often spend time in their prayer closet where I am not allowed, being a woman and all. My female mind cannot comprehend what demons they must wrestle in there and they often come out panting, sweating, and exhausted. My husband's brother will often come over and spend time with one of the boys (he seems particularly fond of my eldest) and I hear them crying out and praising our God. It's a beautiful thing.

[DolliMoans]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

There is a very good lawyer in NY, Michael Cohen. At present he has only three clients, and according to reports has minimal client activities with at least two of them, so he may be able to take another. Fees must be reasonable. He never charged one of his clients a cent, and helped out another with a $130,000.00 gift.

Thank you for the referral Phil. I'll get in touch with Mr. Cohen, though NY is quite a ways from Illinois. I can communicate with him over the CHRISTCAM. Mr. M and my boys return next week from their fishing trip, so it's best I act before then.

Perhaps the Lord censored the webcam as I know men praying can often get strenuous. Our own Dear Saviour, as you know, prayed so hard He sweated blood.

And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. Luke 22:44

If this is so, Dana, he must have been sweating white blood cells. I found no traces of blood from the sanguine variety. I did find ample amounts of white stains.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Sister Dolli,


You would do well to listen to the words of Dr. Elmer. Perhaps you need to read his post again, very carefully. It isn't HIM telling you to mind your own business - it is the LORD telling you through His Holy Word. Do you want to have that sin on you come judgment day?


Leave this to Brother Moans. Never ask him about it. Never tell anyone else about it.


As someone all too familiar with the sin of same-sex affection thanks to my glorious calling to work with homers, there are many demons lurking around who will try to make something look like something it isn't. It's kind of like those people in Chinatown who try to sell you a fabulous Coach handbag when it really came from some cheap factory in Burkina Faso or somewhere. (Heartbreaking when you find out the scam) It's easy to be fooled into thinking someone is having unnatural s-e-c-k-s when they're just praying really hard. You're on your knees, crying out to God, someone walks in and they get the wrong impression. I am sure it's happened to me. Some unknowing people probably think I'm a closet case when actually I'm cleansed by the Blood of Jesus(C) so vile demons can not find their purchase with me. In fact, I wrote a song about it.


The blood of Jesus keeps the gay demons away from my face
The blood of Jesus keeps the gay demons away from every place
When He washed me in His Blood He gave me instant protection
And as an added benefit, it's great for your complexion!

Oh every day I walk with courage that I never knew
Until I felt His Blood come down and He will wash you, too
So ask the Lord to wipe His Blood all over you today
And you won't have to worry about anything that's gay.

CHORUS: Oh the blood, the precious blood, oh the precious precious precious precious blood! Oh the blood, the precious blood, Oh the precious precious precious precious blood!

[DolliMoans]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Brother Larry, you and Brother White are absolutely white, and right. Jesus has told me not to worry (Philippians 4:7) , that is why He died for me (John 3:16), to give my cares unto Him paid by His Sacrifice. That includes forfeiting my womanly neurosis over this silly matter, and rendering myself a good wife who stands by her Godly husband.

I've come to understand the CHRISTCAM was not censoring anything terrible. Instead, like Jesus, it was all-knowing, and automatically sensed my snooping intentions. As a woman, my mind is soft and supple. It needs protecting and Jesus knows that. That is why the footage was really censored, to protect my fragile lady mind.

Here on in, I promise not to cause more damage than I've already done. The Demonology Lab will inform Mr. Moans when he returns from his trip, and he shall administer the discipline unto me that I have forthcoming. Only then will I have learned my lesson, at the firm, sturdy hand of a Christian man; the man whom I've wed and mothered Soldiers in Christ for.

-Dolli

That is a beautiful song too. I imagine there is a catchy melody that accompanies it!

[BrotherLarry]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Sister Moans,


It's really a similar situation to the money you thought your husband sent for camp. It's none of your business what he did with it and you haven't lost any blessings due to it - in fact, you've likely reaped unseen blessings from the Hand of Jesus without knowing it.


I think a contrite spirit is your best bet at this point. Your husband strikes me as a fair and decent fellow. I bet he won't even make you sleep outside the marital bed for this. (although it IS his right)


Keep that chin up, Sister. Jesus loves and adores you and will keep you in the Palm of His Hand(R). It's just another lesson God has sent your way because of His Great Love(R).


Praying for you, your husband, and your remaining live children,
BrotherLarry

[DolliMoans]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Now somethings funny, I was expecting Mr Moans and my boys at the front door last Monday evening, returning from their fishing trip. They are a day late. I had prepared a suckling pig roast all afternoon and ended up eating it all myself (my other kids ate a separate liquid based dish. I'm not wasting good pig on those who didn't go fishing) Anyway, what could be keeping them?

[Phil Ander]

Re: CHRISTCAM Alert - Mr. Moans is cheating on me with our sons?

Anyway, what could be keeping them?

Fire, bullets and tornados come to mind....but after checking weather reports...tornados seem unlikely.


Phil