What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

[Bob4God]

I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.

This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.

So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?

The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.

If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:

There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17

The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.

Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!

After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.

I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.

Praise GOD and amen!

-Bob Fore


---FURTHER TRUE CHRISTIAN READING---

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION, by Pastor Ezekiel

[JoeJackson]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

You folks is funny! This thread is a 'sticky'hehehehe I is laughing like a fool!

Micheal would be all over this, I tell you. I caught him more times than I saw him breathing.

[Johnnyboy]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

You folks is funny! This thread is a 'sticky'hehehehe I is laughing like a fool!

Micheal would be all over this, I tell you. I caught him more times than I saw him breathing.

There is nothing funny about sin. Onan spilled his seed on the ground and God killed him.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

We will probably need strict guidance governing their use, but I am aware of certain devices, utilized by the vile unchurched pagans, to restrain and control access to the naughty bits.

It seems prudent to establish guidelines when it is appropriate to so ensconce the wayward offspring that manifest the sin of self pleasure.

We may also need to establish procedures for using these devices on the feeble minded, Catlix, and the other lesser races.

[rman]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I'm pretty sure masturbation is normal. I also know that you can ne prosecuted for hitting and beating someone. I dot thing god woul want anyone to get buet either.

[Miss April]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I'm pretty sure masturbation is normal. I also know that you can ne prosecuted for hitting and beating someone. I dot thing god woul want anyone to get buet either.

rman masterbation is not noermal its a Sin Read the Bible God Killed a man named Onan for spilling his seed on the Ground

[Miss April]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

You folks is funny! This thread is a 'sticky'hehehehe I is laughing like a fool!

Micheal would be all over this, I tell you. I caught him more times than I saw him breathing.

How are we Being funny Fool? so Stop laughing eww that's really sick we did not need to know that

[angels]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I'm pretty sure masturbation is normal. I also know that you can ne prosecuted for hitting and beating someone. I dot thing god woul want anyone to get buet either.

rman. It is not normal, it is against God's will. Losing so many of Christian seed by doing that is so not normal dear.

[rman]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I received an infraction. Are we not allowed to express our opinions on this forum?

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I do not have the experience here of our revered elders, so I am still at a disadvantage discerning hummersexual innuendo, however, even with your short posting history here, I believe I know the basis for their concern . . .

[James Hutchins]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

I received an infraction. Are we not allowed to express our opinions on this forum?

No, you are not. We express Gods opinions.

Angels explains your transgression pretty well as I am sure your infraction does also.

[New Directions]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.

-Bob Fore

That was a very inspiring post, Mr. Fore. I hope you don't mind me focusing on the snippet above. When dealing with these serial self-abusers, setting them aside and discretely showing them the error of their ways is not enough. As you point out, public humiliation is the best route. Knowing that the community knows and is praying for you...that is what will keep the seed spiller in line.

Being mocked by your church is no fun, but we're in the soul saving business, are we not?

[JooFro]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

There's nothing wrong with masturbation.

[HTannor]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

Brother Bob:

I am constantly on the watch for Satan's evil influence whenever my son enters the bathroom.

A recent trip to Petco seems to have neatly solved the problem. I purchased one of these:





I don't make the poor child wear it on his head, of course. I took the device and attached it with duct tape to his nether regions. Now I can turn back to the televsion set and rest easy.

[Nobar King]

Re: What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves

That will help him keep his eyes on the road.