Need a good strong TC husband

[Sister Rebecca]

Hello everyone. As some of you might know, I am finally done with my 3- year missionary trip to New Guinea. Praise the LORD! We Saved many lost souls and brought them to sweet baby Jesus through burning, floggings, and other hands-on means. Praise HIM! But, as I said, I am going to be moving back to Freehold, as Pastor Zeke only allowed me 3 years abroad. So now I must return. However, I find myself in sore need of a good strong True Christian (tm) husband to dictate my life and steer me in the right direction. I require a firm hand, and an honest hardworking man of the Lord. No slackers or gentle pansy-ass girlie-men for me. I need a man to force me to my knees when I've had stray thoughts or otherwise messed up. My good pastor in New Guinea was no slouch at this. I spent a good deal of my first year on my knees before him, shouting Jesus' name. Now that my mourning period for my dear sweet Tom is over and I am moving back, I will need to wed very soon. I will come to you with only my clothes and all of the money I have earned over the last 3 years as a bride fee. I do expect, however, that any True Christian (tm) man I join with will have an appropriate bank account as well as an adequate yearly income. It is expensive to minister to the weak-minded and bring Jesus to the disgusting non believers and false Christians.
So if you think you can be the TC man I need, please respond as soon as possible. I need to be wed and moved back to Freehold by this Friday.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Hello Sister Rebecca,


Brother Larry, a reputed gnathologist and all round good guy, is currently in the market for a bride. I can vouch that he is of upright moral character, sound mind and is extremely well versed in the study of the Bible (KJV 1611). He recently turned down an offer of my daughter's hand in marriage which came with a very substantial dowry, but, being the person I am, I don't hold that against him.


YIC
TT

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Well, I see that he is an equine gnathologist. I love horses, and a good horse whipping is what I need to keep me in line every now and again. Will you please have a Pastor set up a meet? I cannot very well approach Brother Larry first, as it would be unseemly. If he agrees, we could be wed before the week is out!

[handmaiden]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Well, I see that he is an equine gnathologist. I love horses, and a good horse whipping is what I need to keep me in line every now and again. Will you please have a Pastor set up a meet? I cannot very well approach Brother Larry first, as it would be unseemly. If he agrees, we could be wed before the week is out!

BrotherLarry is dealing with final exams this week, so any wedding plans may have to be put off until mid-May.


Furthermore, he is currently not a resident of Freehold, though he is champing at the bit waiting on Pastor Zeke's final approval on the matter.


If you two have a chance to chat, you may be able to get him to open up about it, but he is generally reluctant to talk about himself.

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Well, if he agrees to wed, I am a former resident and hold a small amount of sway with Pastor Zeke and the Housing Commission. I'm sure I could repent on my knees before good Pastor Zeke and convince him to allow my new husband Larry and I to purchase a home back in Freehold.

[Basilissa]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Well, if he agrees to wed, I am a former resident and hold a small amount of sway with Pastor Zeke and the Housing Commission. I'm sure I could repent on my knees before good Pastor Zeke and convince him to allow my new husband Larry and I to purchase a home back in Freehold.

Of course! Just tell Zeke that the man you're planning to marry is "the horse guy." For some reason, Zeke can never remember his name.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Furthermore, he is currently not a resident of Freehold, though he is champing at the bit waiting on Pastor Zeke's final approval on the matter.

Wasn't he complaining the other day that he couldn't afford to live in Freehold? He was talking about it here - and that was just rental prices!

I don't know what your financial situation is, Sister Rebecca and I'm not asking because it's none of my business and anyway I wouldn't understand the answer. But unless you have private means, you might need to look elsewhere. I did hear a rumor that the second Mrs James Hutchins is looking a bit peaky these days.


All the very best in Christ, Rebecca dear,
Joanna

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

But unless you have private means, you might need to look elsewhere. I did hear a rumor that the second Mrs James Hutchins is looking a bit peaky these days.


All the very best in Christ, Rebecca dear,
Joanna

I do come with a bride price, but now that you mention it, I may indeed have to search elsewhere. Brother Larry may in fact be too young and/or not manly enough.
As for the second Mrs James Hutchins, well now I've never considered rooming with another True Christian (tm) Lady. I've always had a good strong man to tell me what to do and lead me away from temptation with a firm hand and a good-sized buggy whip. But as long as the second Mrs James Hutchins is a good solid True Christian ™ I can't see as how it would harm anything for two ladies to live together. No sin in that. Besides, I'm sure if that were the case then Pastor Zeke would be sure to come by on a regular basis to assure I am praying on my knees.
I'm off to contact the second Mrs. James Hutchins to see if she would like some company and a helpful hand around the house for a few months. Thank you dear for the suggestion.

[Basilissa]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

I do come with a bride price, but now that you mention it, I may indeed have to search elsewhere. Brother Larry may in fact be too young and/or not manly enough.
As for the second Mrs James Hutchins, well now I've never considered rooming with another True Christian ™ Lady. I've always had a good strong man to tell me what to do and lead me away from temptation with a firm hand and a good-sized buggy whip. But as long as the second Mrs James Hutchins is a good solid True Christian ™ I can't see as how it would harm anything for two ladies to live together. No sin in that. Besides, I'm sure if that were the case then Pastor Zeke would be sure to come by on a regular basis to assure I am praying on my knees.
I'm off to contact the second Mrs. James Hutchins to see if she would like some company and a helpful hand around the house for a few months. Thank you dear for the suggestion.

Sweet innocent Sister Rebecca, what Sister Joanna was hinting at is that the position of Mrs James Hutchins may become vacant quite soon. If you know what I mean.

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Sweet innocent Sister Rebecca, what Sister Joanna was hinting at is that the position of Mrs James Hutchins may become vacant quite soon. If you know what I mean.

Oh dear. And here I was getting somewhat excited about two TC ladies banging about together at home and around town. My my. Now I feel a bit flushed and bothered to think I mistook what dear Sister was saying. But that also explains why I couldn't find the Widow J Hutchins in the Freehold phone directory. She isn't a widow at all! Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt to introduce myself to the very much alive Mr. James Hutchins. Nothing inappropriate since he is indeed a married man.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

I can very well afford a place in Freehold considering the auto dealerships and car repair shops are mine once my dad passes away. He's been at death's door a few times and I keep praying God will pull him through. Instead He keeps pushing him back.


I was merely commenting on rents and asking if people receive rewards for their tithes to the point that the cost isn't prohibitive.


Sister Handmaiden is correct, I do not like to discuss myself. This may seem unusual for someone who has all the traits I have: handsome, virile, well-built, intelligent, well spoken, articulate, a master poet and songwriter, muscle bound and endowed as well as some of the horses I so carefully tend. Certified in gnathology, I intend to care for the stallions of Jesus one day.


But there's more about me: I also completed a certificate in veterinary topics. I am a student, also - seeking the Ph.D. in creation science and training in horse psychology too. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.


Anyway, that's enough about ME. What do YOU want to know about me?

[handmaiden]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

I can very well afford a place in Freehold considering the auto dealerships and car repair shops are mine once my dad passes away. He's been at death's door a few times and I keep praying God will pull him through. Instead He keeps pushing him back.


I was merely commenting on rents and asking if people receive rewards for their tithes to the point that the cost isn't prohibitive.


Sister Handmaiden is correct, I do not like to discuss myself. This may seem unusual for someone who has all the traits I have: handsome, virile, well-built, intelligent, well spoken, articulate, a master poet and songwriter, muscle bound and endowed as well as some of the horses I so carefully tend. Certified in gnathology, I intend to care for the stallions of Jesus one day.


But there's more about me: I also completed a certificate in veterinary topics. I am a student, also - seeking the Ph.D. in creation science and training in horse psychology too. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.


Anyway, that's enough about ME. What do YOU want to know about me?

BrotherLarry is far too modest. He has glossed over his indefatigable efforts to bring heathens to their knees crying out affirmation to God.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

I was just praying with the other pastors over your situation, Sister.

I believe you had a policy through the church on Tom?

Come on by my office tomorrow. We can talk about your future in the church and what kind of husband the Lord is leading you toward.

I need to make sure Schlomo Liebowitz knows to prepare a few things for you to sign.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

BrotherLarry is far too modest. He has glossed over his indefatigable efforts to bring heathens to their knees crying out affirmation to God.

Once again, Sister Handmaiden is correct. I left out my exploits during which I tirelessly worked with the homer community in NY City (and continue to work with them). I purposely neglected to mention my journeys throughout darkest Peru, Colombia, Argentina, and Brazil, where literally hundreds of men were on their knees crying out to God. I didn't mention my upcoming "Glory! Make Them Whole!" mission to Provincetown, Massachusetts. The devil leads homers there in search of sin, but what the devil doesn't know is that I plan to lay hands on those homers and fill them full of Christian love. I expect there will be thousands that I will come across during this trip.


It's just that I am too humble to continue to talk about myself all the time - that's why I asked what YOU want to know about me. As a certified equine gnathologist, I have already gained the respect of men, and women fawn all over me when they see my courageous and educated face as I smile at everyone as I pass. The devil hates me, and his minions quake at my spiritual power as the full armor of GOD envelops me with His Glory.


Perhaps you recall the musical "Camelot," during which Lancelot introduces himself to us in song with "C'est Moi!"? I can't count the number of times people say that the song reminds them of me. Here, for your help remembering, are the lyrics:


Camelot! Camelot!
In far-off France I heard your call.
Camelot! Camelot!
And here am I to give my all.
I know in my soul what you expect of me,
And all that and more I shall be.
A knight of the Table Round should be invincible,
Succeed where a less fantastic man would fail.
Climb a wall no one else can climb,
Cleave a dragon in record time,
Swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail.
No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable,
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so extraordinaire?
C'est moi! C'est moi, I'm forced to admit.
'Tis I, I humbly reply.
That mortal who
These marvels can do,
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I.
I've never lost
In battle or game;
I'm simply the best by far.
When swords are crossed
'Tis always the same:
One blow and au revoir!
C'est moi! C'est moi! So adm'rably fit!
A French Prometheus unbound.
And here I stand, with valour untold,
Exeption'ly brave, amazingly bold,
To serve at the Table Round!
The soul of a knight should be a thing remarkable,
His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew.
With a will and a self-restraint
That's the envy of ev'ry saint
He could easily work a miracle or two.
To love and desire he ought to be unsparkable,
The ways of the flesh should offer no allure.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so untouched and pure?
(C'est moi!)
C'est moi! C'est moi, I blush to disclose.
I'm far too noble to lie.
That man in whom
These qualities bloom,
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I.
I've never strayed
From all I believe;
I'm blessed with an iron will.
Had I been made
The partner of Eve,
We'd be in Eden still.
C'est moi! C'est moi! The angels have chose
To fight their battles below,
And here I stand, as pure as a pray'r,
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare,
The godliest man I know!
C'est moi!

And now, I'm off to straighten yet another stallion's jaw in Middle Island, NY.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Need a good strong TC husband

Anyway, that's enough about ME. What do YOU want to know about me?

Larry,
Long time no see. When are you coming over to pick up your UNO cards that you left at my place when I had those problems after my wife's sudden death. Just wondering.


Tom