Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

[Matt]

Hello everyone. I am writing on behalf of our cousin Hazel who has been in need of male companionship for a few weeks now. We noticed she's ripe last Monday and we can tell she's ready to be seeded because she goes around humping the furniture. Anyway, if you know of a good Christian man with a strong back who is ready to settle down just drop us a line.

Here's a picture of her last year. (She's the one on the right) She's gained a few pounds since this was taken.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Hello everyone. I am writing on behalf of our cousin Hazel who has been in need of male companionship for a few weeks now. We noticed she's ripe last Monday and we can tell she's ready to be seeded because she goes around humping the furniture. Anyway, if you know of a good Christian man with a strong back who is ready to settle down just drop us a line.

Say, wasn't Hazel the gal we had to pull off the Burklanders fence post in that weird accident a few months back Brother Matt? Darndest thing I ever saw, she is out playing with her friends hop the fence, slips and ends up impaled on the big brass knob on top the Bucklander’s post. Her friends get scared and run off so she spends about two hours scream “OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!” and stuff like that until old Mister Burklander thought to take a look outside.

Poor thing. I hope she is doing well Brother Matt. She must of been hurt something fierce the way she kept on grabbing at me and the boys and shuddering when we were helping her out.

[SUV]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

By the Pluperfect Hell, Brother Matt, that is quite an unusual dental structure Cousin Hazel has!

Perhaps if she's allowed to teethe, she'll get her 'urges' out of her system and take it a bit easier on fence posts and the furniture.

[Matt]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Yeah, that's her. She hasn't been the same since that fence was put up. Now days we make sure she wears her bicycle helmet when she goes climbing.

Oh, and for you prospective suitors... She'll need a LARGE man.

[Deaner]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

she is out playing with her friends hop the fence, slips and ends up impaled on the big brass knob on top the Bucklander’s post.

Is that what caused her face to shift upwards exposing her gumline? Or is that from going at the furniture?

[Talitha]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Brother Matt!! It's wonderful to see you back here again, you are such a fine Christian figure of Manhood!

I don't know if he's around at the moment or if he's out killing Mooslimbs for The Lord, but one of our newer True Christians™, Warrior in Christ happens to be looking for a Baby Factory Wife and maybe Hazel would be about right!

I'm sure he'd pay a good price for her, and as long as she won't dribble on his fine Uniform I'm sure it would be a match made in Heaven.
He's a BIG man (so I'm told) and we need to keep him away from Moon who seems to be having a bad influence on him.

[Matt]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Brother Matt!! It's wonderful to see you back here again, you are such a fine Christian figure of Manhood!

I don't know if he's around at the moment or if he's out killing Mooslimbs for The Lord, but one of our newer True Christians™, Warrior in Christ happens to be looking for a Baby Factory Wife and maybe Hazel would be about right!

I'm sure he'd pay a good price for her, and as long as she won't dribble on his fine Uniform I'm sure it would be a match made in Heaven.
He's a BIG man (so I'm told) and we need to keep him away from Moon who seems to be having a bad influence on him.

Thank you Sister Talitha. I see you're still as <ehem> healthy as ever. Warrior In Christ may be the perfect match. A big man would do nicely for Hazel. We'll hose her off and ask when she gets finished digging in the back yard. (don't ask) If it doesn't work out with those two maybe we can get the ex-negro to recommend someone well endowed qualified.

And don't tell me Moon is still poisoning the minds of good Christian men with her filthy hippie gibberish? I would have hoped the elders would have beat the Word of the Lord in her by now.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Hello everyone. I am writing on behalf of our cousin Hazel who has been in need of male companionship for a few weeks now. We noticed she's ripe last Monday

May I suggest bathing her before introducing her to suitors?

Men generally prefer a woman who smells clean, not like she's been fermenting.

[Warrior in Christ]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Hello Brother!

Sure, I'd be interested in escorting your daughter to one to church on Sunday, but let me ask you a few questions first:

Can she cook? Is she good at it?

Can she clean? Does she know how to get blood stains out of cotton?

Is she modest?

How long is her hair exactly?

If you can answer these questions I'd greatly appreciate it.

[Sista Lateefah]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Thank you Sister Talitha. I see you're still as <ehem> healthy as ever. Warrior In Christ may be the perfect match. A big man would do nicely for Hazel. We'll hose her off and ask when she gets finished digging in the back yard. (don't ask) If it doesn't work out with those two maybe we can get the ex-negro to recommend someone well endowed qualified.

Well, I don't know if you is talkin' 'bout me or Brotha Remy... but just in case, I do know someone like you seems ta be lookin' for. My son Lamar be of age now and.... oooolawd... see, he a retarded, so my other chillrens haves to bathe him because he too ignant to do it himself. But oooo, when he in that tub, it be like the Lord had gave him his own personal floatation device! And when he get in the swimmin' poo' at the motels it really a bizarre sight to see. Don't ever have to worry about that boy drownin' on account of that thang, though! Good LOOOORD! But like I said, he do be a retarded, so he be hellbound... I don't know if that be a factor in what you is lookin' for or not. I jus' thought I'd letchoo know about him on account of Miss Hazel's frustrations. He wouldn't be worryin' about her smell though, as brother Knees be concerned about. He don't worry much 'bout anything since the Lord decided to make him so damn ignant. Bless his little retarded heart.

[Warrior in Christ]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Oh, I must have misread your post, I meant your cousin. Whatever works, but it seems as though Sister Lateefah's son would be quite perfect for your daughter. I have some pretty expensive furniture decorated with muhajadeen mudslime ears that I'd rather not have chewed up, if you know what I mean.

[Brother Wilfred Ernest]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

The Mrs. is still on her deathbed. I may be looking to replace her after she goes home to Jesus. Here are some things I need to know:


Has anyone touched her cooter in an unclean way?

Would you guys be offended if I have her teeth hammered out and replaced with appropriate sized dentures?

Other than that, is there anything you guys would like to have in trade? I have a few helpers here I can send down to care for your property, or I can send over something of value, like a pool pump.

[yungt33nsisterluvr (On Moderation)]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Is her name "whinny" (as in the sound a horse makes)

[lord warrior]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

What this child of god needs is someone older,wiser to help her in her godly mission. And for that I propose myself to wed her. As a 40 something virgin, I know the ways of a women, with out any baggage of a filty, vile lifestyle.
And mother thinks it time to move out. So if she really wants a large, christian male, and white, please have here call me.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Cousin Hazel Is Ripe

Would you guys be offended if I have her teeth hammered out and replaced with appropriate sized dentures?

Brother WE, if you were willing to consider an oral surgeon for her, those gums could be realigned rather easily indeed, several incisions, then strategically placed catgut sutures drawn from behind would take care of the problem in less than forty minutes in the dentist's chair.

Just a thought, Sister Noddy