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I am being stalked and I seek your aid!
You may have noticed that I have been a little distracted over the last few weeks. One example was when I put the bag of garbage into the rear seat of Patience Bywater’s car and young Hezekiah Bywater into the dumpster. My mind has not been on the job, as it were.
Now, I know that I used to cut a dash in the days of my youth, but when you get to a certain age, you don’t expect women to go chasing after you; it’s disturbing to a man and unseemly for the woman. I mentioned it to Mrs Bathfire but she seemed to think it is all in my mind and most amusing! I told her that it was not amusing at all and retired to my prayer closet to have a warm bath and practise playing pool (Boy, my faithful retainer, has won 18 games in a row at $100 a game plus $50 per ball remaining and I need to improve.)
I became aware of a face pressed against the window. It was her! My cue slipped and I ripped the baize. When I looked up again, she was gone. I went back to Mrs Bathfire and described the woman. She opined that it was one of the Mercy twins; they are both a bit batshit since witnessing their mother being shot on the witch hunt, and thus banned from the church.
Over the next week, whether down town or simply wandering about the golf course with my dogs, every time I looked around, I was aware that the woman was following me. Once, I turned a corner and waited. She came round and, seeing me, simply grinned and simpered. I asked her what she thought she was playing at, but she just said, “Oh Mr Bathfire, I’m sure you know… have you considered a change of pie?” and walked off.
Well, I don’t feel like changing my desserts and if that was all she wanted to say, why didn’t she send her maid around with a message?
The following day, she was at the 2nd, 10th, and 18th greens, pretending to play golf – a ruse that would have been more convincing if she had not been using an upturned walking stick and a scrunched up piece of paper!
Yesterday was the worst. Following the above Bywater incident, I was making my way to the gun store when I looked round and saw her at a distance of 100 yards. As I turned, she stopped and pretended to look in the window of that Bible repair store, “Bound to Please”. I put some zip into my step and made my way to the church. Once past the hallowed portal, I looked back and again she was there, standing no more than 25 yards from me, but she knew better than to enter.
My plan then was to escape via the pastors’ door, so I marched quickly up the aisle a made a left. I opened the door, and there she was! “Hello, Ezekiel.” She said, “It’s a hot day, care for something moist?”
I slammed the door and ran back (well, I walked reasonable quickly) to the main door, but I could see her there. She had beaten me to it and I was surrounded. I was trapped!
I couldn’t even go home, as I wasn’t having that mad woman follow and embarrass me. I sat heavily on one of the tin-tithers’ pews and became aware that I was not alone. Next to me and just coming out of a reverie of prayer was the Widow McGrath.
She was surprised to see me and said, “Pastor Bathfire, what are you doing here?” I explained everything and said one of the Mercy twins (the evil one) was besieging me in the manner Joshua besieged Jericho. Mrs McGregor went to the door and looked out,
“That’s Goodness Norma, Pastor. She’s weird. Have you thought of reporting her to Officer Richards?”
“Officer Richards is holed up in Dunkin’ Donuts working out tactics in a serious case of a 7 year old throwing a tennis ball at his patrol car.”
“What about Bobby-Joe and the Boys?”
“They are busy escorting the Rev Jim on his fact finding trip to Florida Keys. I will be here for ever! What am I to do, Widow McGregor?”
“Call me Shirley”, she said.
I sunk into a slough of despond and barely audibly muttered, “Shirley, Goodness N Mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord for ever!”
And now, I seek The Lords Protection - if you will all follow me in the recitation of Psalm 23…
You may have noticed that I have been a little distracted over the last few weeks. One example was when I put the bag of garbage into the rear seat of Patience Bywater’s car and young Hezekiah Bywater into the dumpster. My mind has not been on the job, as it were.
Now, I know that I used to cut a dash in the days of my youth, but when you get to a certain age, you don’t expect women to go chasing after you; it’s disturbing to a man and unseemly for the woman. I mentioned it to Mrs Bathfire but she seemed to think it is all in my mind and most amusing! I told her that it was not amusing at all and retired to my prayer closet to have a warm bath and practise playing pool (Boy, my faithful retainer, has won 18 games in a row at $100 a game plus $50 per ball remaining and I need to improve.)
I became aware of a face pressed against the window. It was her! My cue slipped and I ripped the baize. When I looked up again, she was gone. I went back to Mrs Bathfire and described the woman. She opined that it was one of the Mercy twins; they are both a bit batshit since witnessing their mother being shot on the witch hunt, and thus banned from the church.
Over the next week, whether down town or simply wandering about the golf course with my dogs, every time I looked around, I was aware that the woman was following me. Once, I turned a corner and waited. She came round and, seeing me, simply grinned and simpered. I asked her what she thought she was playing at, but she just said, “Oh Mr Bathfire, I’m sure you know… have you considered a change of pie?” and walked off.
Well, I don’t feel like changing my desserts and if that was all she wanted to say, why didn’t she send her maid around with a message?
The following day, she was at the 2nd, 10th, and 18th greens, pretending to play golf – a ruse that would have been more convincing if she had not been using an upturned walking stick and a scrunched up piece of paper!
Yesterday was the worst. Following the above Bywater incident, I was making my way to the gun store when I looked round and saw her at a distance of 100 yards. As I turned, she stopped and pretended to look in the window of that Bible repair store, “Bound to Please”. I put some zip into my step and made my way to the church. Once past the hallowed portal, I looked back and again she was there, standing no more than 25 yards from me, but she knew better than to enter.
My plan then was to escape via the pastors’ door, so I marched quickly up the aisle a made a left. I opened the door, and there she was! “Hello, Ezekiel.” She said, “It’s a hot day, care for something moist?”
I slammed the door and ran back (well, I walked reasonable quickly) to the main door, but I could see her there. She had beaten me to it and I was surrounded. I was trapped!
I couldn’t even go home, as I wasn’t having that mad woman follow and embarrass me. I sat heavily on one of the tin-tithers’ pews and became aware that I was not alone. Next to me and just coming out of a reverie of prayer was the Widow McGrath.
She was surprised to see me and said, “Pastor Bathfire, what are you doing here?” I explained everything and said one of the Mercy twins (the evil one) was besieging me in the manner Joshua besieged Jericho. Mrs McGregor went to the door and looked out,
“That’s Goodness Norma, Pastor. She’s weird. Have you thought of reporting her to Officer Richards?”
“Officer Richards is holed up in Dunkin’ Donuts working out tactics in a serious case of a 7 year old throwing a tennis ball at his patrol car.”
“What about Bobby-Joe and the Boys?”
“They are busy escorting the Rev Jim on his fact finding trip to Florida Keys. I will be here for ever! What am I to do, Widow McGregor?”
“Call me Shirley”, she said.
I sunk into a slough of despond and barely audibly muttered, “Shirley, Goodness N Mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord for ever!”
And now, I seek The Lords Protection - if you will all follow me in the recitation of Psalm 23…
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