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Brethren and Sisters:
I have not posted here for several days. I had my friend lock me in a prayer closet with only water and a KJV1611 during this entire time. By the second hour, I was screaming at him to unlock the door, but he had gone on vacation to the Godly state of Virginia and forgot I was still there.
One might think this would produce horror in the common man, but GOD opened my eyes to a few simple facts:
1. My pride was keeping me from seeing myself as I truly was: I thought I was a true Christian, but my behavior was incongruous with the Christian lifestyle. Not only had I kept one rosary as a backup in case I decided to revert to Catholicism, I also held on to a Miraculous Medal, a statue of Buddha that my parish priest bought me when he went to Tibet, and a native American dreamcatcher. I had not truly surrendered, and it was holding me back.
2. I am a recovering homer. My untoward advances directed at a True Christian and pastor of this, God's favorite congregation, were worthy of a sentence to hell. Christian love was all around me and instead of accepting the correction I was being given, I chose to be all faggy and queer and girlie about it instead of using the testicular juice that should have been making me manly and strong. I sold the surveillance drone that I had been using to spy on Pastor Zeke. Now it is in the hands of Landover's Committee to Keep Fags and Mooselimbs away from the Gates. I shall no more ask a newbie if he manscapes, for I have tossed aside, with Jesus' help, my unnatural desires. I almost had the book of Leviticus tattooed to my chest, but then I remembered the Lord's command not to do that, either.
3. I have moved from 200 miles outside Freehold and I'm now 539 miles from Landover in a one-bedroom house next door to the First Baptist Church. I shall spend hours there in prayer under the teachings of Reverend Millsap. Since he is a handsome man, we have agreed to only have contact using the technologies of Skype. I will not be able to view him, only a likeness of our Lord on a white horse mouthing the words, I'ma gon' get you, filthy queer.
4. The Bible is my guidebook. I must do everything - let me repeat that - EVERYTHING it says without question or pause.
5. If a True Christian says it, it is right. No exceptions.
6. I got rid of all my Calvin Klein underwear. (What is acceptable for replacement, by the way, since I assume it is unChristian to go commando ?)
7. I removed myself from the mailings I got from St Stanislaus and Our Lady of the Mountain parishes. In my request, I said:
"Dear Hell-bound Faggots and Lesbians:
Don't send me your $(#)& anymore. I don't wish to burn in hell. God won't have to worry about kindling because there are so many parishes to choose from. Your rosaries and holy water will be of no use when satan rapes you in front of the pope. The True Christians will have this on DVR to watch again and again during Comedy Hour each Thursday in heaven.
Brother Larry"
But although I am RENEWED through Jesus blood, I am not DEFEATED. Through tithing and being completely devoted to Jesus because He is always right and I am always wrong, and by associating with a PURE Christian woman, I will overcome my past masturbating, homersekshul cathylick arrogance. I will one day be such a model of Christianity that the pastors of this fine Church will deed that condo I crave so much; only this time, I want a view of God's Hottest Women as seen in the Landover Edition of Christian Playboy, not hairy ugly dudes. (Even the thought of those last three words made me vomit a little in my mouth)
Ladies and Gentlemen of Freehold and Landover members everywhere: Brother Larry is back; but he is a NEW CREATURE.
By the way, when I was finally able to claw my way out of the prayer closet, I saw my friend sitting on his couch, reading the Bible. He said Jesus told him not to let me out because a few splinters under my fingernails were nowhere near the pain He felt because of my wretched sins. I didn't even punch him; I just showered and went home to pray.
In His Love and Forgiveness,
Brother Larry
PS: I would be grateful if you would once again accept me into your fold as a new man. While I deserve flogging and disdain, I beg instead for love and good reputation points.
1 John 1:9 If we confesse our sinnes, hee is faithfull, & iust to forgiue vs our sinnes, and to cleanse vs from all vnrighteousnesse.
I have not posted here for several days. I had my friend lock me in a prayer closet with only water and a KJV1611 during this entire time. By the second hour, I was screaming at him to unlock the door, but he had gone on vacation to the Godly state of Virginia and forgot I was still there.
One might think this would produce horror in the common man, but GOD opened my eyes to a few simple facts:
1. My pride was keeping me from seeing myself as I truly was: I thought I was a true Christian, but my behavior was incongruous with the Christian lifestyle. Not only had I kept one rosary as a backup in case I decided to revert to Catholicism, I also held on to a Miraculous Medal, a statue of Buddha that my parish priest bought me when he went to Tibet, and a native American dreamcatcher. I had not truly surrendered, and it was holding me back.
2. I am a recovering homer. My untoward advances directed at a True Christian and pastor of this, God's favorite congregation, were worthy of a sentence to hell. Christian love was all around me and instead of accepting the correction I was being given, I chose to be all faggy and queer and girlie about it instead of using the testicular juice that should have been making me manly and strong. I sold the surveillance drone that I had been using to spy on Pastor Zeke. Now it is in the hands of Landover's Committee to Keep Fags and Mooselimbs away from the Gates. I shall no more ask a newbie if he manscapes, for I have tossed aside, with Jesus' help, my unnatural desires. I almost had the book of Leviticus tattooed to my chest, but then I remembered the Lord's command not to do that, either.
3. I have moved from 200 miles outside Freehold and I'm now 539 miles from Landover in a one-bedroom house next door to the First Baptist Church. I shall spend hours there in prayer under the teachings of Reverend Millsap. Since he is a handsome man, we have agreed to only have contact using the technologies of Skype. I will not be able to view him, only a likeness of our Lord on a white horse mouthing the words, I'ma gon' get you, filthy queer.
4. The Bible is my guidebook. I must do everything - let me repeat that - EVERYTHING it says without question or pause.
5. If a True Christian says it, it is right. No exceptions.
6. I got rid of all my Calvin Klein underwear. (What is acceptable for replacement, by the way, since I assume it is unChristian to go commando ?)
7. I removed myself from the mailings I got from St Stanislaus and Our Lady of the Mountain parishes. In my request, I said:
"Dear Hell-bound Faggots and Lesbians:
Don't send me your $(#)& anymore. I don't wish to burn in hell. God won't have to worry about kindling because there are so many parishes to choose from. Your rosaries and holy water will be of no use when satan rapes you in front of the pope. The True Christians will have this on DVR to watch again and again during Comedy Hour each Thursday in heaven.
Brother Larry"
But although I am RENEWED through Jesus blood, I am not DEFEATED. Through tithing and being completely devoted to Jesus because He is always right and I am always wrong, and by associating with a PURE Christian woman, I will overcome my past masturbating, homersekshul cathylick arrogance. I will one day be such a model of Christianity that the pastors of this fine Church will deed that condo I crave so much; only this time, I want a view of God's Hottest Women as seen in the Landover Edition of Christian Playboy, not hairy ugly dudes. (Even the thought of those last three words made me vomit a little in my mouth)
Ladies and Gentlemen of Freehold and Landover members everywhere: Brother Larry is back; but he is a NEW CREATURE.
By the way, when I was finally able to claw my way out of the prayer closet, I saw my friend sitting on his couch, reading the Bible. He said Jesus told him not to let me out because a few splinters under my fingernails were nowhere near the pain He felt because of my wretched sins. I didn't even punch him; I just showered and went home to pray.
In His Love and Forgiveness,
Brother Larry
PS: I would be grateful if you would once again accept me into your fold as a new man. While I deserve flogging and disdain, I beg instead for love and good reputation points.
1 John 1:9 If we confesse our sinnes, hee is faithfull, & iust to forgiue vs our sinnes, and to cleanse vs from all vnrighteousnesse.
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