An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Mr. Mayor,

For some time now, the citizens of your fair city of Freehold have enjoyed the tasty moistness of my pie. I have freely offered it to all, and many have taken advantage of it - sometimes more than once a day. I am more than pleased to give it up, and almost hate to charge for it. However:

1. Certain individuals have seen fit to remove my ability to have a satellite dish at my luxuriously appointed home on Apostle's Court Drive. This receiver is almost always tuned to channels that provide Christian ministry with the exception of Sunday evenings, when I DVR Game of Thrones (ONLY to look at it in hopes of finding a Christian message that I can share with my brethren).

2. Despite my calls to the street department, Paul Crouch Blvd continues to deteriorate. I have potholes the size of my pie all over the place and the alley running behind my pie is fraught with a huge crack that has a hole almost big enough to sink your Hummer. (You know - the one on which you get free repairs at the city garage)

3. I had suspicious people milling about and my employees called the police, but NO ONE RESPONDED. What if these men had attacked my ladies? What if they had tried to steal my pies? What if we had been robbed? And WHERE are the Freehold surveillance cameras that used to be on all the utility poles on Crouch Blvd? Are we really dishonoring Paul's memory in this way?

If I do not see the street department soon, I will personally begin repairing these holes and billing the city of Freehold, even if it means repairing them with pie dough and pecans.

You know I have always supported you and you also know how many times you have had my pie. If you wish to continue enjoying it, I anticipate some action. I can move my store to a city that appreciates the thousands of dollars in revenue my pie attracts.

Respectfully in Jesus,
NRL

PS: I would LOVE to discuss this at a private luncheon today, where I will introduce you to new flavors and delights exclusively for you.

[Basilissa]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

Mr. Mayor,

For some time now, the citizens of your fair city of Freehold have enjoyed the tasty moistness of my pie. I have freely offered it to all, and many have taken advantage of it - sometimes more than once a day. I am more than pleased to give it up, and almost hate to charge for it. However:

1. Certain individuals have seen fit to remove my ability to have a satellite dish at my luxuriously appointed home on Apostle's Court Drive. This receiver is almost always tuned to channels that provide Christian ministry with the exception of Sunday evenings, when I DVR Game of Thrones (ONLY to look at it in hopes of finding a Christian message that I can share with my brethren).

2. Despite my calls to the street department, Paul Crouch Blvd continues to deteriorate. I have potholes the size of my pie all over the place and the alley running behind my pie is fraught with a huge crack that has a hole almost big enough to sink your Hummer. (You know - the one on which you get free repairs at the city garage)

3. I had suspicious people milling about and my employees called the police, but NO ONE RESPONDED. What if these men had attacked my ladies? What if they had tried to steal my pies? What if we had been robbed? And WHERE are the Freehold surveillance cameras that used to be on all the utility poles on Crouch Blvd? Are we really dishonoring Paul's memory in this way?

If I do not see the street department soon, I will personally begin repairing these holes and billing the city of Freehold, even if it means repairing them with pie dough and pecans.

You know I have always supported you and you also know how many times you have had my pie. If you wish to continue enjoying it, I anticipate some action. I can move my store to a city that appreciates the thousands of dollars in revenue my pie attracts.

Respectfully in Jesus,
NRL

PS: I would LOVE to discuss this at a private luncheon today, where I will introduce you to new flavors and delights exclusively for you.

I haven't read your letter, Sister (please forgive me - a busy day, you see), but I did notice that you have posted it in the wrong forum. I'm sure one of our Godly Administrators will be nice enough to move it where it belongs.

[WWJDnow]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

I have potholes the size of my pie all over the place and the alley running behind my pie is fraught with a huge crack that has a hole almost big enough to sink your Hummer.

That's intolerable! We've all heard how your pie has grown as you have offered it to so many of your neighbors. And now you're saying that it's as bad in the back as it is in the front! Perhaps the mayor could reduce the traffic back there by posting a "One Way" sign. Although, honestly, I had a similar problem with my back alley, and, even after the sign went up, people still drove up there constantly, tearing up the asphalt.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

I haven't read your letter, Sister (please forgive me - a busy day, you see), but I did notice that you have posted it in the wrong forum. I'm sure one of our Godly Administrators will be nice enough to move it where it belongs.

It's bad enough that women post in the men's only section of the forum, but when they start threads there, it is intolerable.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

That's intolerable! We've all heard how your pie has grown as you have offered it to so many of your neighbors. And now you're saying that it's as bad in the back as it is in the front! Perhaps the mayor could reduce the traffic back there by posting a "One Way" sign. Although, honestly, I had a similar problem with my back alley, and, even after the sign went up, people still drove up there constantly, tearing up the asphalt.

WWJDnow,

It is terrible that you've experienced this but somehow comforting to know that I am not the only one; How upset you must have been when you used your back door only to find that the area was being ravaged by constant use and abuse. Please know that I appreciate your support, darling, and will pray for you as I hope you'll pray for me.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

Dear Mrs. Lamb:

Thank you so much for bringing to my attention the condition of the street in front of your pie shop. My driver has never complained about the street when I have stopped by for pie. I, myself, did not notice any pot holes.

As to fixing the street, here is what the Freehold Street Repair Policy Manual says. It states that the street in front of Pastor Zeke's house is under constant monitoring and must be kept in perfect condition.

As time and resources permit, the streets in front of other pastors' homes are monitored. Mostly they are perfect.

Other streets in the City are repaired whenever possible. Since these other streets do not serve people who are bringing souls to Jesus, they have no religious importance.

I will stop by for pie one of these days and we can discuss the street further. All the best.

Johny Joe Hold, Mayor

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

Do I see what I think I see? A female posting in the clearly marked MEN's ONLY section?

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: An Open Letter to Mayor Hold

Do I see what I think I see? A female posting in the clearly marked MEN's ONLY section?

Daisy and I had quite the talk about you last night. No worries. I'm able to keep small secrets.