How do I start having sons?

[Jed_Cassidy]

Brothers, I come to you in a time of desperate need.

I have been married to my wife Bernadette for 24 years. We lead a simple and modest True Christian™, and have ourselves a nice little Christian family that adheres strictly to the teachings of our Lord as defined in the KJV1611. However, after her 40th birthday last Wednesday, a horrible realization hit me: The timer on my wife's oven is about to tick away, and we have only had daughters thus far.

At first, like any rational True Christian™ man, I thought that it was my wife's fault for our inability to have us some Godly sons. At the birth of my first daughter, Ann, I was understandably very disappointed when the doctor told me the news. In fact, I figured that hospital staff had probably messed something up in the delivery procedure, resulting in my wife giving birth to a girl rather than a strong, True Christian™ boy. However, when my second daughter, Abigail, was born, I began suspecting that it was Bernadette's fault all along, and disciplined her at home for the following two weeks like any True Christian™ man would.

The story gets worse, my brothers. My suspicions of Bernadette's inability to give me sons was confirmed when she gave birth to our third daughter, Amy. We hadn't even engaged in the despicable act of intercourse prior to this. It was then I had decided that Bernadette was so incredibly incompetent at giving birth to a True Christian™ son, that she had even mistakenly spawned another daughter. (However, in retrospect, I take a little bit of responsibility for her corrupt ways; I had become lenient in enforcing her house-arrest punishments and had allowed her to leave multiple times a week for the grocery store to "get more pie-making ingredients"...)

However, my world was turned upside-down when I came across this blasphemous article:

http://www.science20.com/news_releases/chromosomes_are_so_20th_century_male_genes_really_determine_baby_gender_says_study

Apparently, we True Christian™ men are "genetically" responsible for determining the gender of our babies. Brothers, I am struggling to find meaning in this. Is it really my fault that all I have are daughters? Believe me, I have tried so hard to have sons. My wife and I have had intercourse exactly twice. For every second during both despicable instances, I have thought about nothing but men. I think about having a man around the house, getting to tuck him in at night, reading him bedtime stories, and how big and strong he would be. So, if I am deciding right then and there that I want to have a son by thinking about men while having intercourse with my wife, then why does Bernadette still give birth to girls?

Brothers, I would appreciate any advice you could give me in this time of need.

YIC,

Jed

[WinnerNotSinner]

Re: How do I start having sons?

However, my world was turned upside-down when I came across this blasphemous article:

http://www.science20.com/news_releases/chromosomes_are_so_20th_century_male_genes_really_determine_baby_gender_says_study

Apparently, we True Christian™ men are "genetically" responsible for determining the gender of our babies.

I wouldn't trust anything written on that website, Brother. As we know science is completely inaccurate and useless as it changes all the time. I doubt the existence of genes, I've never seen one even though we apparently have loads of them.

No, the fault certainly lies with your wife, have you thought about pre-emptive beatings? On another note, beating her shortly after intercourse will show GOD how much of a good Christian father you are when He is making His decision on whether to grant you a magnificent son, or another waste of 9 months daughter.

[Larry Lee]

Re: How do I start having sons?

We all feel your pain, Brother Jed.

What you need is some pre-natal counseling. Nowadays, the scienticians at any good hospital can extract a sample from your wife's oven and test the developing foetus for birth defects. If their tests show the thing is horribly deformed due to the defect of female gender, all you'll need to do is scrub out the oven and try baking another ham. If I was you, I'd give your pediatrician a call today and get those tests run sooner rather than later.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: How do I start having sons?

I wouldn't trust anything written on that website, Brother. As we know science is completely inaccurate and useless as it changes all the time. I doubt the existence of genes, I've never seen one even though we apparently have loads of them.

No, the fault certainly lies with your wife,

Absolutely correct - and I know this from experience. Of my first 5 children born, only one was a boy. In the delivery room, immediately after the doctor told us our fifth child was yet another girl, my wife started crying softly and told me how sorry she was. And she didn't make that mistake again. The next two were boys!

Obviously it was up to her all along as to whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.

[Metafool]

Re: How do I start having sons?

It is all part of God's Divine Plan that you are unable to have sons. Your were instead given daughters who will marry good True Christian men. It may seem like a curse now but just wait until they marry: you'll likely be assimilated into multiple wealthy families.

Also, don't believe the ScIeNtists: they have no idea what they're talking about. It's not your fault your wife is unable to give you sons, it's hers (and God's for not including them in his Divine Plan but hey! I'd rather have no sons than live in a world in which God's Divine Plan forgot to mention that we are the master race)

[Brother Helge]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Apparently, we True Christian™ men are "genetically" responsible for determining the gender of our babies.

You should never trust those pesky atheist scientists.
Everybody knows it's the womans fault.

Have you not disciplined your wife enough? Been to soft with the rod?

I will pray for you.

[childofgodslove]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the vagina, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the cooter, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.

Dear Pervert:

That was revolting. This is a Christian forum. God hates degenerates like you!

Romans 1:24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

[Bible Student]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Have sex at a different time of the month. Male sperm have short lives, but are fast, and female sperm have long lives, but are slow.
PH balances in the cooter, along with how close she is to her period, really effect which sperm gets where first.
You're the man, and you're having sex with her at the wrong time of the month, and a female is telling you what to do? Be ashamed of yourself. Pick up a book and learn. Your job as a man is to guide her, and you can't even tell her how to give you a son.

The things they teach at secular, atheist schools is astounding. When did females start producing sperm? Maybe one of the True Christian™ wives can tell me if they stopped having eggs.

How can a True Christian™ husband have sex at the wrong time? That is like saying True Christian™ women are delivering at the wrong time. When nature calls, it is time. Period.

And please watch your language. Filthy talk about cooters is just not appropriate on a Godly forum. I'm surprised you didn't try to sneak a few pictures past us.

[Sgt. Jack Von Trap]

Re: How do I start having sons?

The hospital staff may have been Satan is disguise to curse you with these Daughters. But, if they are True Christian™ doctors then it's your wife's fault.

[Comatoserocker]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Don't discipline your wife! It's not her fault that your having daughters, it was part of God's plan. Just go with whatever gift He gives you, and be thankful for it. Your wife committed no sins, God will choose whether you have a daughter or a son. And it doesn't matter anyways. Jesus died for the salvation of everyone, not just men. Remember what Jesus said in the garden, "If it is your will, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but Yours be done" God will provide you with the children you need

[God_Is_NOT_My_Savior]

Re: How do I start having sons?

How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property, nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.

[Basilissa]

Re: How do I start having sons?

How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife

Why? According to the Holy Bible, it's women who need to appreciate men, not the other way around:

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property,

There's no proof for your statement in the Holy Bible. There is, however, evidence to the contrary.

nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.

Your unjust persecution reassures me that we're right and you're wrong:

2 Timothy 3:12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How do I start having sons?

How about you start appreciating your piffleing wife and leave her and your daughters alone? They are not your property, nor your "dolls." She clearly is trying to please you, but your close-minded narcissistic brain can't seem to handle that you clearly evolved to be stupid. I feel offended that I am of the same species as you monsters.

I've spoken here a few times about sitting in the seat of the scornful. (Psalm 1:1) Your potty mouth and your smug, self-centered views are contrary to what this board is trying to accomplish. Why aren't you displaying the acceptance and love that comes from having Jesus in your heart?


True Christians(TM) are perfect, sinless, and heaven bound. It is hard for us to suffer your antics when we are trying to Praise the Lord.


You'll do well to guard your tongue.


COME LORD JESUS! (Rev. 22:12)
BrotherLarry

[FatAssFollower]

Re: How do I start having sons?

Despite my basement-dwelling tendencies, I still have managed to find a bammin' slammin' bootylicious ladyfriend, with whom I have had children with. Every time we have intercourse, my wife (or waifu, as we good ol' Christians like to say,) loves rambling on and on about pandas.
I don't condone layin' down with pandas, don't get me wrong, but we've had thirteen and a half sons (one got his legs cut off by some random amputee hobo or somethin,) and no daughters. However, once she started talking about 'kawaii koalas' and now we have a daughter.