My Testimony

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Greetings in Christ, people of Landover Baptist Church!

My name is Alan. I am the leader of a small home church. We broke away from our local Baptist church when they ordained a woman pastor - in direct contravention of God's Word in First Timothy 2:12.

Lately, Jeremiah 19 has really been speaking to me, in light of the recent split. It's about how God was displeased with His people because they had disobeyed Him. He promises to punish them. My favorite verse is verse 9 - "And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them."

The Apostle Paul reminds us in First Corinthians 10:11 that all of the stories in the Old Testament about how God punished His people for disobeying Him are an example for us Christians today. If you turn away from God, you will be punished. My former church will be punished. I led the faithful few to a safe place.

During the week, I work as an undertaker. In my job, I am confronted by death every day. As a young man, this made a real impression on me. It forced me to face my own mortality and to ask some hard questions. Why do people have to die? What happens after death?

I got the answers to those questions when a client, an old widow, gave me a Bible. I had asked her why she seemed so happy when her husband had just died. She told me she was rejoicing because she knew he was in heaven. I was blown away by her confidence. I had so many questions for her, but she refused to teach me - and quite right (1 Tim 2:12). She just gave me her Bible and said, "I'll let God speak for Himself."

When I read that Bible, I found out that people die because of sin (Romans 5:12). After death, people face judgement (Hebrews 9:27). If you're a Christian, you go to be with the Lord (Philippians 1:23). One day, all the dead will be resurrected (John 5:28-29). If you're a Christian, you will inherit the New Earth (Revelation 21:1-7). If not, you will be cast into the lake of fire (Revelation 21:8). This all made perfect sense. (And I didn't want to go to hell, of course.) When I finished Revelation, I got down on my knees and gave my life to Jesus.

It's hard to imagine that all the lifeless corpses I embalm will one day be reanimated. A few will enjoy eternal bliss. Most will suffer everlasting cremation (Matthew 7:13-14).

I hope my testimony has been an encouragement. I look forward to getting to know you all.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: My Testimony

Mr Swallows,

That was a powerful testimony indeed and a perfect example of the glorious explosive way Jesus enters us when we are ready and open to receive Him.

Lots of sound doctrine there, as well. What are you views on the heresies of the Muslim Catholics and Evil Lotionists? How has life treated you begettingwise?

I must say it is a pleasure to read a Scripture-based rational Introduction by an American man. It is a privilege to welcome you to the Forum!

Zephaniah 1:7
Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Alvin Moss]

Re: My Testimony

Welcome Alan and Praise God! Praise His name! If you knew how many unsaved wretches we get here pretending to be Christian, but only come among us to vex us, you would gag. It is a great pleasure to see that our patience has once again proved fruitful. We are girding our loins for the great battle with Satan and his people. Another soldier for Christ is welcome indeed. What armaments have you laid aside for the battle?

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

Thank you for the warm welcome, Mr White (or is that Dr White?).

Jesus makes it clear that He is the only way (John 14:6). Muslims believe Jesus was only a prophet. They reject the idea that He is God, let alone the way to God. Catholics make the mistake of trying to come to God through an imaginary Jesus, a Jesus distorted by the heretical teachings of their "church." Only those who believe in a non-imaginary Jesus can hope to escape damnation (John 3:18).

I have a six-year-old son, Clayton. However, the Lord has seen fit to close my wife's womb. We are praying that God will grant us another son, however. We're never going back to that infertility specialist who wanted me to self-stimulate into a cup.

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

Welcome Alan and Praise God! Praise His name! If you knew how many unsaved wretches we get here pretending to be Christian, but only come among us to vex us, you would gag. It is a great pleasure to see that our patience has once again proved fruitful. We are girding our loins for the great battle with Satan and his people. Another soldier for Christ is welcome indeed. What armaments have you laid aside for the battle?

Thank you, Mr Moss. The biggest weapon in my armory is the sword of the spirit (Eph 6:17). I am armed with Scripture and I know how to use it. Prayer is another weapon. When I get down on my knees before Jesus and open my mouth, I can move mountains. But if the Bible and prayer don't protect me from sinners, I've got Glock 19 and a .223 Remington in the gun cabinet.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: My Testimony

Thank you for the warm welcome, Mr White (or is that Dr White?).

Jesus makes it clear that He is the only way (John 14:6). Muslims believe Jesus was only a prophet. They reject the idea that He is God, let alone the way to God. Catholics make the mistake of trying to come to God through an imaginary Jesus, a Jesus distorted by the heretical teachings of their "church." Only those who believe in a non-imaginary Jesus can hope to escape damnation (John 3:18).

I have a six-year-old son, Clayton. However, the Lord has seen fit to close my wife's womb. We are praying that God will grant us another son, however. We're never going back to that infertility specialist who wanted me to self-stimulate into a cup.

Glory to God you have sired at least one new soldier for Christ at the moment.

I wouldn't trust any infertility specialists either. I wonder if you were not suspicious because of his title: infertility specialist, someone specializing in making people infertile. Apparently he succeeded. I am sure that with adequate prayer this disorder will soon be cured.



1 Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

Glory to God you have sired at least one new soldier for Christ at the moment.

I wouldn't trust any infertility specialists either. I wonder if you were not suspicious because of his title: infertility specialist, someone specializing in making people infertile. Apparently he succeeded. I am sure that with adequate prayer this disorder will soon be cured.



1 Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Well, hindsight is always 20/20. It probably wouldn't surprise you to learn it was my wife's idea. She'd been seeing him privately for some time before she finally nagged me into going. Plenty of time for him to have worked his voodoo on her.

[I Man Rastafari]

Re: My Testimony

Greetings Alan. Do you live here in Babylon?

[ExGay Alex]

Re: My Testimony

Glory to God, Alan! Praise Jesus that you are here to help us spread the Word. Which Muslims do you think are God's biggest enemy: the Shits or the Sunnies?

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

Greetings Alan. Do you live here in Babylon?

Um, no. I live in the United States of America. God destroyed Babylon. It remains uninhabited to this day, as prophesied in Scripture. So I don't know where the hell you live.

Isaiah 13:18 Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.
Isaiah 13:19 And Babylon, the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldees' excellency, shall be as when God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah.

Glory to God, Alan! Praise Jesus that you are here to help us spread the Word.

Hi, Alex. I'm glad to be here.

Which Muslims do you think are God's biggest enemy: the Shits or the Sunnies?

Whichever ones are behind ISIS.

[Basilissa]

Re: My Testimony

to our Godly forum, Mr. Swallows!

Um, no. I live in the United States of America. God destroyed Babylon. It remains uninhabited to this day, as prophesied in Scripture. So I don't know where the hell you live.

Please, don't mind this poor person. He's.... special. We keep him here for our amusement.

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

to our Godly forum, Mr. Swallows!

Thank you for the welcome, Basilissa.

Please, don't mind this poor person. He's.... special. We keep him here for our amusement.

Well, perhaps one day he will see the light.

[Baxter Gladwell III]

Re: My Testimony

I got the answers to those questions when a client, an old widow, gave me a Bible. I had asked her why she seemed so happy when her husband had just died. She told me she was rejoicing because she knew he was in heaven. I was blown away by her confidence.

Sometimes I think I'm doing the right thing. My relationship with the LORD has done nothing but continue to grow since I accepted Him into my heart in that motel room somewhere between Amarillo and Elk City that cold February night back in 2004. Just after the divorce.

But every time I look in the mirror I see the same LOWLY WORM looking back at me, conceived in sin, broken, and unlovable. It's probably a good thing that I'm not too sure of my Salvation, or I'd probably start making a habit of walking into traffic without looking just to get this all over with. ALL THIS PAIN.

But in pleasing Jesus, I have found purpose. IT"S REALLY THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME HANGING ON. Women don't want me, that's for sure. Not after that whore went all over town telling everyone who would listen how I was "abusing" her. Scripture tells us that we are to make ourselves ready for Him, as a bride is made ready for her bridegroom.

Revelation 19:7-9
7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.

Revelation 21:1-2, 9-11
21 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
...

9 And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb’s wife.
10 And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God,
11 having the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal

I now make it my life's purpose to make myself ready as the most WELL GROOMED and THOROUGHLY MANSCAPED of Jesus' adoring man-brides come the Glory.

Glad to have you fellowshipping with us, Alan. To the extent that I can find anything to be glad about in this cruel world of liars, backbiters, and dolled up, sassy mouthed whores who go around with any Tom, Dick, or Harry that comes along but still wants nothing to do with me, at least. I wish God would just take me right now.

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: My Testimony

Glad to have you fellowshipping with us, Alan. To the extent that I can find anything to be glad about in this cruel world of liars, backbiters, and dolled up, sassy mouthed whores who go around with any Tom, Dick, or Harry that comes along but still wants nothing to do with me, at least. I wish God would just take me right now.

Glad to have the opportunity to fellowship with you too, Baxter.

I would like to offer you a word of encouragement. It is better to die and be with the Lord.

Philippians 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philippians 1:22 But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.
Philippians 1:23 For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:
Philippians 1:24 Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

But I think God still has work for you to do. There are homos who need rebuking. There are desperate people who need to be told they are worthless sinners destined for infinitely worse suffering in the afterlife. There are poor people who need to be deprived of welfare and other social services. There are your brothers and sisters in Christ, who need your encouragement, support and tithes.

It sounds like you have suffered great persecution for your faith. You've been punished for executing your role as head of your wife. You've been mocked, put down.

Paul said, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18).

You've suffered unimaginable pain. You need to believe that at some distant point in the future you will have incomprehensible glory if you stick with Jesus through the hard times. Keep doing what your doing, no matter how much you suffer for it.

[James Hutchins]

Re: My Testimony

A hearty and complete Christian Handshake to you Mr. Swallows. It is not often we get a man who knows God is his Master and appreciates the short amount of life He provides prior to being swept into His Kingdom of Heaven.
I know what you mean about dead bodies. They do take a awhile getting used to. When I was in the 'Nam, the smell of rotting gook flesh was something awful. As many people know, they smell terrible when alive, well they smell ten times worse dead and rotting. At the plantation, we have a lot of nigras, wetbacks and now ragheads working. Honestly, the smell is so bad that you cannot tell which is alive and which is dead unless you poke one with a stick.
I am sorry to hear God has decided your wife is not worthy of His Love©. I'll pray your wife does the right thing and walks off into an abyss to permit you to find a more sutible one who will not cease in her obligation to express many sons for Christ. My own wife, Mrs. Hutchins is still producing like an chicken dropping eggs, about one every 12 months since we were married. Childbirth these daysw only backs up her daily chores about an hour or so and she just stays up a hour later to catch up. No slacking off at the Hutchins homestead!
Proverbs 6:6-11
6 Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise:
7 Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler,
8 Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.
9 How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?
10 Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:
11 So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.

Isaiah 11:4-12
4 But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth: with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked.
5 And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins.
6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.
7 And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
8 And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den.
9 They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.
10 And in that day there shall be a root of Jesse, which shall stand for an ensign of the people; to it shall the Gentiles seek: and his rest shall be glorious.
11 And it shall come to pass in that day, that the Lord shall set his hand again the second time to recover the remnant of his people, which shall be left, from Assyria, and from Egypt, and from Pathros, and from Cush, and from Elam, and from Shinar, and from Hamath, and from the islands of the sea.
12 And he shall set up an ensign for the nations, and shall assemble the outcasts of Israel, and gather together the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth.