New member

[EABell]

God bless. I just found this site today and wanted to introduce myself. First off I would like to say how truly & ecstatically lost I feel now that I have finally found a site that expresses my inter most feelings. I can finally be with people who so honestly and enthusiastically really have no interest in me at all and in my heart of hearts I feel the same. I especially felt truly welcomed by brother Enobarbus’s message under the Welcome! tab.
I also have some questions and would appreciate any help.
- Although I entered my birth date in my profile, my birthday does not show up on the calendar. We have a few months to go but I want to spare you all a last minute panic rush to Nordstroms.
- Under the Members List I am described as “Unsaved Trash”. Is this possible to improve? It is my first day but could I possibly reach something like “Unsavable Trash” with further efforts?
- Do we have any secret passwords (like swordfish) or signs (combustion perhaps) that we can use to identifying ourselves to each other without you know who catching on?
- And finally, thank you for the RAPTURE ticker. If there is another one scheduled could you please track that also as I missed the last one.

[Basilissa]

Re: New member

God bless. I just found this site today and wanted to introduce myself. First off I would like to say how truly & ecstatically lost I feel now that I have finally found a site that expresses my inter most feelings. I can finally be with people who so honestly and enthusiastically really have no interest in me at all and in my heart of hearts I feel the same. I especially felt truly welcomed by brother Enobarbus’s message under the Welcome! tab.
I also have some questions and would appreciate any help.
- Although I entered my birth date in my profile, my birthday does not show up on the calendar. We have a few months to go but I want to spare you all a last minute panic rush to Nordstroms.
- Under the Members List I am described as “Unsaved Trash”. Is this possible to improve? It is my first day but could I possibly reach something like “Unsavable Trash” with further efforts?
- Do we have any secret passwords (like swordfish) or signs (combustion perhaps) that we can use to identifying ourselves to each other without you know who catching on?
- And finally, thank you for the RAPTURE ticker. If there is another one scheduled could you please track that also as I missed the last one.

Hello, dear, and to our Godly forum!

I see that you have a lot of questions. Before we proceed to answering them, how about answering some of ours - that are conveniently spelled out on the top of this page - namely:

Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: New member

God bless. I just found this site today and wanted to introduce myself. First off I would like to say how truly & ecstatically lost I feel now that I have finally found a site that expresses my inter most feelings. I can finally be with people who so honestly and enthusiastically really have no interest in me at all and in my heart of hearts I feel the same. I especially felt truly welcomed by brother Enobarbus’s message under the Welcome! tab.
I also have some questions and would appreciate any help.
- Although I entered my birth date in my profile, my birthday does not show up on the calendar. We have a few months to go but I want to spare you all a last minute panic rush to Nordstroms.
- Under the Members List I am described as “Unsaved Trash”. Is this possible to improve? It is my first day but could I possibly reach something like “Unsavable Trash” with further efforts?
- Do we have any secret passwords (like swordfish) or signs (combustion perhaps) that we can use to identifying ourselves to each other without you know who catching on?
- And finally, thank you for the RAPTURE ticker. If there is another one scheduled could you please track that also as I missed the last one.

Welcome, Mr. Bell. How do you do? I am somewhat concerned that, in spite of your introduction attempt, you have failed to render the more important information we have requested about yourself. This website is maintained for communications, fellowship and praise by Christians around the world. We are in a constant state of searching for other Christians, many of whom are menaced by unsaved wretches such as Muslims, Devil worshippers, Roman Catholics and Democrats. Sadly, most who answer our call turn out to be unchristian degenerates who seek only to vex Christian folk. It is necessary for us to obtain information about all newcomers to protect ourselves from godless savages. We pray that you are a saved Christian or at least one who seeks salvation, but the issue is still in doubt.


Please bear with us as we investigate your background through the good offices of our security and investigations ministry. Any information you might supply will be helpful. We'd like to know your congregation, your Pastor's name, where you live, what works you have accomplished for Jesus, the number of your sons, your social security number and the state of your finances. Any other information you may feel would be helpful would be appreciated and useful.


God Bless!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: New member

God bless. I just found this site today and wanted to introduce myself. First off I would like to say how truly & ecstatically lost I feel now that I have finally found a site that expresses my inter most feelings. I can finally be with people who so honestly and enthusiastically really have no interest in me at all and in my heart of hearts I feel the same. I especially felt truly welcomed by brother Enobarbus’s message under the Welcome! tab.

Welcome to our friendly forums! It's so gratifying to meet someone who understands that our excitement comes not from getting to know them, but getting to know how acts in their lives! I can't wait to hear all about what miracles He's done for you lately!

I also have some questions and would appreciate any help.
- Although I entered my birth date in my profile, my birthday does not show up on the calendar. We have a few months to go but I want to spare you all a last minute panic rush to Nordstroms.

Perhaps it shows only the birthdays of forum members. I look forward to finding out.

- Under the Members List I am described as “Unsaved Trash”. Is this possible to improve? It is my first day but could I possibly reach something like “Unsavable Trash” with further efforts?

Patience, dear. The Department of Faith is at work as we speak investigating your claims of Salvation and therefore justification to join us. With your permission (which you gave when you registered), the DoF is exploring your computer history, has turned on your microphone, video camera and any other device remotely already. As we speak they are reading your messages, emails and, if things look promising, will do forensic analysis on your computer and physically search your dwelling, property, place of abode, vehicles(s) or other mode of transportation and those of your friends, relatives acquaintances (and neighbors within a reasonable distance). They are nothing if not thorough.

- Do we have any secret passwords (like swordfish) or signs (combustion perhaps) that we can use to identifying ourselves to each other without you know who catching on?

We recognize the quality of one another's character by their behavior (Matthew 7:16).

- And finally, thank you for the RAPTURE ticker. If there is another one scheduled could you please track that also as I missed the last one.

I suggest you get yourself ready now, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night (1 Thessalonians 5:2).

[handmaiden]

Re: New member

God bless. I just found this site today and wanted to introduce myself. . .
- Under the Members List I am described as “Unsaved Trash”. Is this possible to improve? It is my first day but could I possibly reach something like “Unsavable Trash” with further efforts?

I hope that you are not being facetious. You can aspire to something much more lofty than "unsavable" trash.

- Do we have any secret passwords (like swordfish) or signs (combustion perhaps) that we can use to identifying ourselves to each other without you know who catching on?

The only "secret" that we have here is that we read and really know what the Bible says. It garners criticism from the great mass of people who think they know what the Bible says and don't want to acknowledge the parts that aren't warm and fuzzy.

- And finally, thank you for the RAPTURE ticker. If there is another one scheduled could you please track that also as I missed the last one.

That sound like irreverent humor, to me. Are you worried about going to Hell or not?


Cautiously Yours,


Handmaiden

[BrotherLarry]

Re: New member

I am afraid I share some skepticalisticity about your earnesthood. You seem to be a little at ease in Zion. Amos 6:1 warns those who are at ease in Zion, feeling all comfy and cozy in their mamby pamby way of life that this is unacceptable to the one, true living GOD.


There is a frivolousness in the way that you ask your questions, friend. And while we are friendly sorts here, more than willing to praise JESUS with you and help you understand the truth of God's Word, it might be a good idea for you to first recognize that the answers to all of life's questions are found in the Holy Bible.


All this talk of passwords and other nonsense is making the Baby Jesus cry. You do not want to do that. Yes, our Lord cries (John 11:35) when people do not take His temporary sacrifice on Mt. Calvary seriously. When we below do not give respect and honor to God's perfect plan that thanks to a serpent who convinced a ditzy woman to taste forbidden fruit, all mankind now toils under the curse of sin for eternity. But there is hope! (Psalms 31:24)


To start on the pathway of no longer being considered unsaved trash (I think there are some questions about your 2012 tax records, by the way), the first thing you need to do is kneel wherever you are, even if you're reading this on a smartyphone in the middle of a busy street. Once you reach your knees (a position with which you are no doubt familiar), cry out to God:


OH GOD! I am a filthy sinner! LORD, I just ask that You come now, cover me with Your shed blood, and Father God, forgive all of my sordid lust and puffery (Colossians 2:18). Without Your Salvation(R) I am nothing! I completely surrender to Your will and intend from this day forward to do nothing but what You tell me to do in Your Word. Fill me with the Holy Spirit(R) and help me to find a Bible believing church (i.e., Baptist church) where I can worship and grow in the knowledge of Your teachings. AMEN and AMEN


If you did this, you are now a CHILD OF GOD. No longer are you the smartass who entered this place in hopes of persecuting God's elect. (Although, you did bless us by doing so: See Matthew 5:11-13) Thank you for that.


As a certified equine gnathologist, I speak to you with some authority, having completed arduous studies to hone my craft. And all that is to be respected and revered, but my LORD and my GOD have given me authority over the devil and his minions - and that is much more to be desired than my lofty educational status. (Luke 10:19). I am praying for you, and long to see a humble and contrite person who has given himself over to GOD very soon. You will know true joy at that time, friend! (1 Peter 1:8)

COME, LORD JESUS!
Brother Larry

[Santan]

Re: New member

Gushing for Jesus? Sounds extremely sexual FYI.

Also - I love how you all hate Mexican's but in a post above you put 'Jesus' in old english - which the Mexican people love and put their names in.




Jesus Killed Harambe for sure.

[Didymus Much]

Re: New member

Gushing for Jesus? Sounds extremely sexual FYI...

Only to the extremely immature.

...Also - I love how you all hate Mexican's...

Nobody here hates Mexicans. They just wish they'd stop with the bastardized Catholic nonsense and worship Jesus the way the Bible says to (and get a job, take a bath, shave their mustaches [the women, I mean], etc.).

...you put 'Jesus' in old english...

You clueless f***. If there was anything here in Old English, you wouldn't have a clue what it says. You wouldn't even recognize it as English at all.

[lial Mike]

Re: New member

you are welcome EAbell