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It's good to read a testimony given by a virtuous believer who was once - as undoubtedly some trolls, flamers, and debate-seekers reading this are now - mired in sin, but has since overcome and accepted the light of Christ. I will give that testimony today. (I say “testimony”, but “grand epic” is what it really is.) I'm a little nervous, but “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13. Favorite verse, by the way.)
It was a dark and stormy night and I was but a simple farm boy living in the countryside. The landscape was dull and dreary; the sky overhead was as always overcast because Britain is a secular country that abandoned God long ago. It was just as well; my family was all the sunshine I needed. My family was like a sweet oasis of Godliness sitting in an ungodly desert. Myself, my siblings, and my mother – all of us were submissive, happy sheep guided by the strong shepherd that was my father. I can still picture him now. A towering, dominating, masculine figure. Glorious, flowing hair like a lion’s mane.
I’ll never forget the sage advice my father used to give me as we walked side by side in the cattle pasture: “Son, a good wife is like a dairy cow. She doesn’t know any better. She may stray. She is in need of a man’s firm but loving care and leadership. But in the end she is good, loyal, and reliable.” Cows and woman are very similar in that they both produce milk so I guess he was pretty wise when you think about it.
For a time I was good holy Christian living in a positive godly atmosphere and flourishing under the protective umbrella of my father. But shortly after we moved to America in my early teens corrupting influences began to seep in. There were bad companions, worldly music, television.
Television! How sad it must make God to see the filth, decay, and degeneracy that bubbles from our screens. (This problem is now exacerbated since computers have been purchased in greater numbers and the internets have spread. “Youtube?” More like “Sintube!”) Despite living in a sheltered household, I accessed the American show “Family Guy” from a bad friend. Clearly that was when the trouble started. The moment I saw Louis Griffin, I experienced a confused sexual awakening, a stirring in my loins. It wasn’t long before that devil woman turned me from the Lord and from sexual purity. I had a picture of her on my wall that I would kiss. “O Charlie, kiss me, kiss me!” I would make her say. Of course she wasn’t really saying it I was saying it with a falsetto voice and fake Boston accent.
Television was a gateway to worse evil. After a few years, it wasn’t uncommon for me to find myself having unholy relations in a motel room with a strange woman. A strange woman I would force to say “Oh Peetah! Oh Peetah!” at the peak of sexual pleasure. Then I would poop on the sheets.
Obviously, I eventually turned around. The man who turned me around was “Uncle Reginald.” Uncle Reginald wasn’t my real uncle, but a man I had known back in Britain while I was still a small child. The fun Uncle Reg and I used to have! Ice cream, trips to the park, strolls on the beach. Wrestling, the “where-are-you-most-ticklish” game. Anyway, about two years ago Uncle Reg in a letter told me about Lonnie Childs and his Stop Masturbation Now campaign. Reg was (and is) someone I admire and respect, so what could I do but give this organization about which he seemed so enthusiastic at least a little look? I gave it a look, and haven’t stopped dedicating myself to it since. Now I’m even studying to become a pastor. Thank you Lonnie!
I hope you all welcome and accept me.
I hope you all welcome and accept me.
to our Godly forum, Mr. Charlie! 
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