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Brothers in Christ,
I was told of this internet posting forum during my recent mission work to Haiti by my friends from Idaho. God’s judgment on the Voodoo Island provided an excellent opportunity for us to relocate several children of the damned to a more suitable environment where they will be taught American and raised as True Christians™, thus saving them from their accursed peoples’ pact with the Devil. Unfortunately, much of the Idaho contingent was stopped at the border of the Dominican Republic with their busload of children. My group’s Saved are currently undergoing reeducation at an undisclosed location, praise Jesus.
My story begins as an effeminate non-denominational young man from Colorado Springs. I struggled for years with my sodomite urges before being cured when my parents shipped me off to a Baptist summer program, where I was cured and assuredly Saved. I sing hosannas that I was completely cured of homosexuality before ultimately caving into my unnatural urges for the supple Latino boys. Completely cured. Absolutely. Cured by the Blood of the Lamb. If you doubt this, you doubt Christ.
Upon my graduation from high school, I attended a Baptist college in Texas, where I studied Young Earth Geology. I met my wife, Rebekah, in the course of our involvement with the College Republicans. She has the sturdiest set of child-bearing hips you've ever seen. We were married at 19, and, five years later, we are pleased to announce the upcoming birth of our fifth son, Ezekiel. Rebekah was not allowed to finish her degree due to her childbearing and homeschooling obligations, and I am pleased to say that she submitted to the will of her husband most gracefully.
Due to my Young Earth Geology degree being from a “non-accredited” program (whatever that’s supposed to mean), I was unable to find a job with the oil and coal companies, for whom I so wanted to work. The Earth was given to us by God, after all, and it is our Christian Duty to use up its resources before the Rapture. Apparently God had other plans for me. When the know-it-alls would grant me an interview, they thought they knew more than me when I explained how all the marine sedimentary rocks in the world was deposited during the Great Flood. I mean, how else do they think limestone got to the top of mountains?? Plate tectonics?? Pfft…. Just a theory.
Fortunately, the Texas State Board of Education sees things the way I do. Thanks to the good works of True Christians™ like Brother Don McLeroy, I was able to find a temporary job on the Textbook Advisory Committee. Many of my God-given ideas have been incorporated into the state curriculum, praise Jesus. Upon fulfillment of my heaven-sanctioned duties on the TAC, I landed a job as a science teacher in the Piggett, TX, independent school district.
Piggett is a small West Texas community with no coloreds, homosexuals, or liberals. The people here love God, Country, and support Free Enterprise. God has chosen this place for me until the time of the Rapture. I and the people with whom I fellowship hope to turn this into the West Texas version of Freehold.
YIC
I was told of this internet posting forum during my recent mission work to Haiti by my friends from Idaho. God’s judgment on the Voodoo Island provided an excellent opportunity for us to relocate several children of the damned to a more suitable environment where they will be taught American and raised as True Christians™, thus saving them from their accursed peoples’ pact with the Devil. Unfortunately, much of the Idaho contingent was stopped at the border of the Dominican Republic with their busload of children. My group’s Saved are currently undergoing reeducation at an undisclosed location, praise Jesus.
My story begins as an effeminate non-denominational young man from Colorado Springs. I struggled for years with my sodomite urges before being cured when my parents shipped me off to a Baptist summer program, where I was cured and assuredly Saved. I sing hosannas that I was completely cured of homosexuality before ultimately caving into my unnatural urges for the supple Latino boys. Completely cured. Absolutely. Cured by the Blood of the Lamb. If you doubt this, you doubt Christ.
Upon my graduation from high school, I attended a Baptist college in Texas, where I studied Young Earth Geology. I met my wife, Rebekah, in the course of our involvement with the College Republicans. She has the sturdiest set of child-bearing hips you've ever seen. We were married at 19, and, five years later, we are pleased to announce the upcoming birth of our fifth son, Ezekiel. Rebekah was not allowed to finish her degree due to her childbearing and homeschooling obligations, and I am pleased to say that she submitted to the will of her husband most gracefully.
Due to my Young Earth Geology degree being from a “non-accredited” program (whatever that’s supposed to mean), I was unable to find a job with the oil and coal companies, for whom I so wanted to work. The Earth was given to us by God, after all, and it is our Christian Duty to use up its resources before the Rapture. Apparently God had other plans for me. When the know-it-alls would grant me an interview, they thought they knew more than me when I explained how all the marine sedimentary rocks in the world was deposited during the Great Flood. I mean, how else do they think limestone got to the top of mountains?? Plate tectonics?? Pfft…. Just a theory.
Fortunately, the Texas State Board of Education sees things the way I do. Thanks to the good works of True Christians™ like Brother Don McLeroy, I was able to find a temporary job on the Textbook Advisory Committee. Many of my God-given ideas have been incorporated into the state curriculum, praise Jesus. Upon fulfillment of my heaven-sanctioned duties on the TAC, I landed a job as a science teacher in the Piggett, TX, independent school district.
Piggett is a small West Texas community with no coloreds, homosexuals, or liberals. The people here love God, Country, and support Free Enterprise. God has chosen this place for me until the time of the Rapture. I and the people with whom I fellowship hope to turn this into the West Texas version of Freehold.
YIC
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