New Member

[Maynard Staley]

Greetings,

I have come seeking Truth and Salvation, as many have. I fear for my eternal soul, I am surrounded by sin, and struggle tirelessly to be a virtuous man. Perhaps I can find guidance and assistance in my journey among the wicked, and to find forgiveness for my own sin.

May the Lord Bless you all!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: New Member

Greetings, I have come [...]to find forgiveness for my own sin.

What sin would that be? Don't spare the details or blushes.

[Maynard Staley]

Re: New Member

Temptation, primarily, I will admit. I know that as a man I should desire to be with a woman, but I struggle to keep my thoughts pure. I have been single for quite some time, and I find that loneliness can corrupt a man's mind. Women dress without dignity, and I find myself weak, at times, to stay on the right path.

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: New Member

Good afternoon. You wouldn't be the same Maynard Staley from the satanic rock band Tool?

[Maynard Staley]

Re: New Member

No maam, I am not. I believe the man you are referring to is Maynard James Keenan, whom I have no relation to. My name, Maynard, is German, and it means to be brave and have strength.

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: New Member

No maam, I am not. I believe the man you are referring to is Maynard James Keenan, whom I have no relation to. My name, Maynard, is German, and it means to be brave and have strength.

My apologies, Brother. I am but a fluffy headed woman.

[Maynard Staley]

Re: New Member

My apologies, Brother. I am but a fluffy headed woman.

No need for apologies. One who provides comfort to those in distress should not be so critical of them self, Sister.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: New Member

Maynard, worry not, is it not said, 1Cor7: 8 "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."?

"Containing" that's what it's all about. You're not incontinent are you?

[Maynard Staley]

Re: New Member

Maynard, worry not, is it not said, 1Cor7: 8 "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."?

"Containing" that's what it's all about. You're not incontinent are you?

Incontinent, no. But at the same time, I fear that my thoughts are of the somewhat perverse nature.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: New Member

Incontinent, no. But at the same time, I fear that my thoughts are of the somewhat perverse nature.

Oh, come Maynard, often perverse thoughts are Godly, I recall when Mrs Bathfire fell down the cellar steps one Sabbath evening. I simply refused to lift a hand to help her until midnight had passed. IIRC, she said I was 'perverse'. Women, eh?

[James Hutchins]

Re: New Member

Mr. Creebs, do you own any firearms?

[Maynard Staley]

Re: New Member

Oh, come Maynard, often perverse thoughts are Godly, I recall when Mrs Bathfire fell down the cellar steps one Sabbath evening. I simply refused to lift a hand to help her until midnight had passed. IIRC, she said I was 'perverse'. Women, eh?

But surely, God might frown upon my desire for the woman who works at the Dunkin Donuts drivethru to come into my car and fellate me while I drink my coffee?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: New Member

But surely, God might frown upon my desire for the woman who works at the Dunkin Donuts drivethru to come into my car and fellate me while I drink my coffee?

Your obsession with porn is getting the better of you. To make sure you stop staring at porn you now have to poke your own eyes out! The Bible is very clear on that: Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire". Since you can still see porn with one eye, you will have to poke both of them out.

You are probably also an obsessive compulsive masturbator. The Bible is very clear on what you have to do about that. You have to rent a chainsaw and remove your hand! Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched". To be on the safe side you might want to remove both hands.

And after you poked your eyes out and removed your hands you have to start reading your KJV1611 Holy Bible to prevent eternal damnation to hell .