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I am going through severe psychological distress at the moment. I have been addicted/obsessed with Christianity since I was a young child and brought into it as most young children are, belts and blackmail. After God I turned to opiates and those gave me peace until a few hours ago when I ran out and started considering the possibly of there not being a God. I was a Christian for almost 20 years!!!!!!! and yet I have begun to question the existence of God in the most blasphemous ways! I believe that my only chance of salvation is to wholly divulge these evil secrets that my mind has been holding. The truth shall set you free! So here is a rant I wrote a bit earlier that I was going to edit, but decided not to as I want to believe again and the only way to do so is address these sinful thoughts is to present them in full to fellow Christians and ask for repentance. So... here is what I wrote.
I get it. Being American, you do run into the fat, stupid and bigoted quite often. You know what's even worse though? Running into those arrogant jerks that walk around telling people what everybody with half a brain already knows or at least suspects. Do you guys get off on telling children that the Easter Bunny isn't real or Santa Claus is just a fat drunk in a red suit? Wow... you guys must be really clever to have figured out those societal mysteries. It doesn't take an idiot to argue with a strawman, but idiots usually do. No one believes any of this crap, and the ones that do (to the extent that you all preach) probably have some mental illness or don't have the natural capacity to think too deeply. Yet, you make fun of these people, and probably with some delusional, self-gratifying belief that you are exposing the true nature of religion to the common person. No one thinks the earth is flat. No sane Christians believe that, even the dumb ones. No sane PEOPLE believe that. For someone to mock religion by acting like this is some common christian belief is just foolish. Whenever an actual christian comes on this site they disagree with everything you say, what does that tell you? Who are the idiots? I say the idiots are the people who act idiotic. Congratulations to all of you who take part in this on being True Idiots. It is funny though...
I like to think that believing anything to be true with 100% certainty is just as foolish as denying it completely. Same wackos on both sides trying to slander the other with the same kind of perversion, exaggeration, and total ignorance of what the other side actually believes. MAYBE all this stuff is just a moral guide for people that don't know any better? MAYBE when I go to the library and check out a book I'm not looking for the meaning of words written on a page but the meaning behind them, and maybe even if those books are full of crap... even if those books are really outdated and all the facts are completely wrong... MAYBE I can still find some good messages in that book. Perhaps some of the messages will be very strange and seem ridiculous, but as a rational human being (like most Christians, or members of any religion) I will easily identify such nonsense and instead hold onto the positive messages. You aren't getting winning over any converters with this stuff. It's not that funny once you get the joke... ha nah
I get it. Being American, you do run into the fat, stupid and bigoted quite often. You know what's even worse though? Running into those arrogant jerks that walk around telling people what everybody with half a brain already knows or at least suspects. Do you guys get off on telling children that the Easter Bunny isn't real or Santa Claus is just a fat drunk in a red suit? Wow... you guys must be really clever to have figured out those societal mysteries. It doesn't take an idiot to argue with a strawman, but idiots usually do. No one believes any of this crap, and the ones that do (to the extent that you all preach) probably have some mental illness or don't have the natural capacity to think too deeply. Yet, you make fun of these people, and probably with some delusional, self-gratifying belief that you are exposing the true nature of religion to the common person. No one thinks the earth is flat. No sane Christians believe that, even the dumb ones. No sane PEOPLE believe that. For someone to mock religion by acting like this is some common christian belief is just foolish. Whenever an actual christian comes on this site they disagree with everything you say, what does that tell you? Who are the idiots? I say the idiots are the people who act idiotic. Congratulations to all of you who take part in this on being True Idiots. It is funny though...
I like to think that believing anything to be true with 100% certainty is just as foolish as denying it completely. Same wackos on both sides trying to slander the other with the same kind of perversion, exaggeration, and total ignorance of what the other side actually believes. MAYBE all this stuff is just a moral guide for people that don't know any better? MAYBE when I go to the library and check out a book I'm not looking for the meaning of words written on a page but the meaning behind them, and maybe even if those books are full of crap... even if those books are really outdated and all the facts are completely wrong... MAYBE I can still find some good messages in that book. Perhaps some of the messages will be very strange and seem ridiculous, but as a rational human being (like most Christians, or members of any religion) I will easily identify such nonsense and instead hold onto the positive messages. You aren't getting winning over any converters with this stuff. It's not that funny once you get the joke... ha nah
Jesus!
. I have been going to the Greater Boston Baptist Church for several years but my favorite Pastor (well, maybe not a Pastor but a youth minister or something) was a man named George Byrne. He was a cripple and even though I was suffering from a heavy drug addiction at the time and often stole from him for drug money 
and whores, he was able to renew my childhood faith in God after a couple years of private counseling and my participation in several out-of-country community building projects, such as building homes, setting up water distribution centers, and the like. My favorite bible story is that of Genesis... think we all know that one. Ummm.. ah and salvation. Well I was baptized at 2 and was a faithful believer until the last few months during which I have stopped attending church and my mind has been filled with what I once saw as heretical blasphemy... that's where I am now 
And for the prayers sent out by Brother Levi, but I'm still in a state of confusion. I guess it's difficult to tell someone how to recapture their faith... reading the bible, eh yeah I've done that already. Read it once (with the class) during my Confirmation years, but that hardly counted and I reread it several years ago front to back. There's a million passages I could turn to in times like this, and I have before, but it's just not doing it for me these days. I suffer from depression (due to bipolar disorder) that can last quite a long time, but it's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me quite so much though it really does. I guess it's predictable since I've had a few cycles of being sad for a year, happy/normal for a year and so on. I thought I was in an upswing a few months ago after I tried to kill myself via ODing on booze and aloto pills n' stuff. Turns on I just blacked out, woke up the next day feeling AMAZING and for the next 6-7 days (still feeling amazing..)I got maybe 8 hours of sleep. I was only able to sleep for a couple hourrs after much effort every couples days. Very weird but the OD seemed to launch me into a manic phase follow by just "normal," which should last at least 6 months or so but for the past couple months I've been getting sad again and the bible just isn't helping... I know in my heart it should, but my mind just isn't buying it anymore.
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